fuck it all away

The answer to everything. Push aside and fuck away all the problems, all the feelings, all the doubt. Fuck it away until you cannot even think. I’m talking actual fucking, here.

It works. For the moment. Maybe it erases everything for an hour or two. If you’re lucky, whatever was giving you strife is forgotten for days, perhaps weeks.

But it isn’t gone forever. Even the best, hardest, mind-numbing-est fucking doesn’t delete those feelings forever.

The feelings come back. Sometimes they come back in a ball of flames, pissed off and ready to rumble. Other times, they come back in bits and pieces, snippets of a shitty movie you continually piece together. The worst, though, is when they sneak up and simultaneously infiltrate every single part of your brain, leaving you no time to adjust.

Whenever those thoughts and feelings show back up, they’re a little different than the ones you had in the moment. It’s a little calmer, maybe, but often a lot sadder. You probably feel defeated and decide to embrace them. Yes, you hug those ugly feelings tight because you think you should spend some time with them. Get to know them. Wallow in them. Commiserate with them.

And then, you become them. You can’t separate yourself from the feelings because you are those fucking feelings.

You are now only a walking, talking, girl-shaped, mass of hurt and feelings.
It’s not pretty and it’s not fun.

You try to talk it out. You try to write it out. You try to block it out. You try to shake it out. You try all the things! You really do try. But all your efforts are in vain.

Oh but, you are strong! Everyone says so! Be strong and brave and rise above that shit. Although you aren’t so sure about these things, you sure as hell can deal with it, these feelings that have taken over. You can function and carry on, of course, you’ve been doing it your entire life. It sucks, and god! it is exhausting, but it isn’t even the worst part.

The worst part is… You are alone with it. I’ve already written a post about letting go and moving on, so no need to get all into that right now.

Guess what? Some people are elephants, with memories that don’t fade. For those people, ignoring isn’t the answer. Yet, sometimes that’s all that can be done.

So where does that leave you? When your only option is to ignore or block? Seriously! Someone figure it out… Where are you now??

Well… I suppose… you just are where you are. You should probably shift into autopilot and try your best to go blind. Between all the fucking, of course. Close your eyes and just fuck it all away.

[This post was written a while back, in the middle of a few tough months (nothing to do with Sir or D/s), and it’s been sitting in draft, hiding. It’s not good or uplifting, but I need to get it out and off my mind]



thinking [indifference] thursday

“We learn to stand up and just to walk away,
Sometimes the cold hearts aren’t worth the love or the hate.
Learn to let go, learn to walk away.
Up from the shadows I’m seduced by the light of the flame,
But this time I’m here to stay.”
      -Rise Against, A Beautiful Indifference

I just don’t know when to walk away and I really don’t know how to let go.
I don’t know how to find a happy medium between not caring and nothing but feelings. I’m usually at one end or the other. It is a lifelong struggle, and I am afraid it will become my fatal flaw.

And so it goes, that I am supposed to use my words. I am to talk it out, let people know, not let things become THINGS. Sigh. The problem with that is – I don’t know when to speak and when to keep my mouth shut. And I get it wrong almost every. single. time.


I get stuck! My brain gets stuck on these things! Moments or phrases, seemingly unimportant to anyone else involved, linger and taunt, until I can no longer think straight. They play on a continuous loop in my head, casting shadows on anything good. Pushed aside for a few blissful moments here or there, but always in the back of my mind and on the tip of my tongue.


Here’s the deal: I want people to understand. I want them to acknowledge what I feel is real. I guess what I want is validation. And when that moment never comes, when I am forced to accept that no one will see things the way I see them, I feel a little hopeless and I get a little lost.

I do not expect the world to agree with me, or feel how I feel. I do not think I’m right all, or even most (or hell, even half!), of the time. I admit I’m a mess, but when I have feelings about something, I’d like them to be recognized and comprehended, at least every now and again. I realize that’s quite a tall order… and far too much to ask or expect. At least I am aware of that and I’m not totally bonkers!


But for now, I find myself trapped in this place, not knowing how to silence these overwhelming things in my head. I have no clue how to let it go, without giving up or blocking or numbing entirely.

It’s time. I have to figure it out, because this shit is weighing me down.


“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.”       ~Ajahn Chah

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