Seventeen rebuild

Seventeen.

Seventeen is a long time.
Seventeen flew by.
Seventeen held everything.
Seventeen was exclusively ours.
Seventeen was faithful and loving.
Seventeen has been work and play.
Seventeen has been happy and sad.
Seventeen has been easy and difficult.
Seventeen brought change after change.
Seventeen is trust.
Seventeen is comfort.
Seventeen is safety.
Seventeen is home.

Seventeenth.

Seventeenth is redesign.
Seventeenth is more.
Seventeenth is different.
Seventeenth is shaking the core.
Seventeenth is more inclusive in it’s exclusivity.
Seventeenth grew love exponentially.
Seventeenth makes me panic.
Seventeenth is many questions.
Seventeenth is many more answers.
Seventeenth makes me wonder.
Seventeenth is very exposed.
Seventeenth is a beginning.
Seventeenth is faith, not history.
Seventeenth blurred erased the lines.
Seventeenth is scaring me to death, in an oddly good way.

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At this particular moment, I’m in a bit of a panic… my mind leads me down some pretty destructive paths…I want to get a few of my thoughts together and let them free. Didn’t I tell you last week that even the good changes are rough?! Yeah, it seems I’m still on that today.

Sir and I have been together 17 years (and a half!), though he wasn’t always my Sir, we’ve always had a wonderful relationship. We have had such a good life – full of love and laughter, ups and downs, ins and outs. Through it all, we have never strayed, never contemplated leaving, never given up. We have become better people, together.
Big things have happened this year – I mean BIG, huge, wonderful (and frightening) things. I am certain they have served to help us grow and love with greater depth.

Let me be clear: I have ZERO regrets, but lately I have these moments where I seize up with fear. Now I know, in that tiny rational part of my brain, that I do this only because of my insecurities and jealousy and extreme [unfounded] fear that Sir will leave. I do my best to ignore that. I try to believe that little rational voice that says “Don’t be crazy, woman! Don’t listen to that nonsense! You are on the right path!” Some days it’s harder to shake than others.

It’s just that…
Seventeen years is a long time! It really is…a seventeen year mindset can be hard to break. We’ve built a very solid foundation and constructed a beautiful life upon it, that worked for so long. We did such a great job that I got pretty comfortable and felt so very safe. Then, with divine intervention (yep, I really think that ) a lovely hurricane came along that shook the foundation and tore much of the structure down. We had worked so hard and this hurricane was overwhelming and unexpected…and totally made us look at life and love a bit more…widely. That hurricane has truly been a blessing because, as it turns out, we were wanting to remodel! Who knew?! Lucky me. Lucky us. The foundation sustained no damage and we are ready to rebuild a bigger, better structure. All the materials are laid out but we only have the old blueprints. Those suckers just won’t work, not anymore. I need a new set of plans! I’m just standing here looking around, not knowing where to begin, and I’m feeling quite lost. Thankful and happy, but lost…it’s a weird place to be.

different better

~shygirl

 

 

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These aren’t roles because we aren’t playing.

We have been living D/s full time since June of 2013, we were working up to it since late fall 2012.  When I say full time, I mean just that.  D/s is not a bedroom activity for us, it is the new foundation of our marriage.  Of course, D/s is expressed in the bedroom (often and very well), but that is not our focus.  If we have a problem or are just angry and upset, we do not step out of D/s to negotiate and fix it.  I’m not even sure how we would do that anyway – call a time-out where He was not Dominant and I not submissive – I just don’t understand that.  We aren’t taking on Dominant and submissive ROLES, we are Dom and sub, therefore we cannot circumvent the dynamic.

In our relationship, I am allowed expected to communicate any problems, worries, or feelings I have as soon as possible.  That has always been the case in our nearly 17 years together – the difference now is the manner in which I am expected to speak.  No longer can I let my temper get the better of me. No longer am I allowed to speak disrespectfully or yell or throw a fit.  If I do these things, I have very clear-cut consequences.  It would NEVER be acceptable to say “I am pissed off and right now I am not your submissive, I want to handle this outside of our D/s dynamic”.  My Husband would probably laugh and say “good luck with that”.  When He embraced His Dom, he REALLY embraced it.  He let the Dom out and let it rule.  I would think it highly disrespectful to request that be put aside to discuss why I’m upset.  If Sir came to me and said He was angry but wouldn’t discuss it with me as Dom to sub, I’m sure I would be utterly devastated and confused.  So, none of that!

Everything we do – from parenting the kids, to shopping for groceries, to hashing out a misunderstanding – is done within the framework of D/s.  Why?  Why do we not take a break?  Because this is who we are.  Simply put, if we cannot handle ALL of life within this dynamic then it wouldn’t really be the right path for us.

Submissive...what I need to do and not do

I am aware that everyone’s relationship is different.  If you step outside your dynamic and it is working, more power to you.  If you only like D/s in the bedroom, good for you!  I would not expect anyone to run their marriages, lives, or D/s like we do.  We are still finding out what works for us in this D/s dynamic and I imagine we always will be tweaking and changing things… that’s what makes life great.  But as of now, we are D/s 24/7… full steam ahead. 

~shygirl

Thinking [15] Thursday

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. 

My Husband and I have been a legal couple for 15 years.  This day had no particular meaning to us, it just worked out in our schedules well enough.  When we got married, our firstborn was nine months old…and she had her first ever cold.  The ceremony was at my parents’ old house, with very few people there.  Nothing fancy.  My dress cost less than $50 and our cake was from the local grocery market. The whole gathering took an hour and a half at most.  It was simple and, though it wasn’t what I wanted, it was lovely. 

Thinking back, it would have been fine not to have any guests.  I realize they are family, but they just don’t have a role in our marriage.  The whole wedding was fought for.  Since we already had a child, everyone just thought we should not do ANY sort of ceremony.  But, I pushed and they conceded ever so slightly.  I was 21 on my wedding day, my Husband was 23. (Yep, I sure did just do that math in my head)  There were naysayers coming out of the woodworks.  I don’t think there was a single person that thought we could do it, that thought we could last, not really.  Of course, our family hoped we’d be fine but they had no faith.  That is fine, because we had enough faith for everyone.  I had known a few years prior that He and I were going to be something.  It took two years for the timing to work out, but then there was a “everything gets quiet” moment when He walked in and a voice told me “This is it … It’s now or never”.  I chose now. Since that moment, we have been together. 

So, now we have been married 15 years.  It has not been all long walks and flowers.  These years have been work.  Hard work.  The best work.  We have become new people many times and we have had to learn to compromise like nobody’s business. Frankly, I think my Husband got the short end of the stick with me.  He is such a great a man and I can be SO much work and SO needy.  I could never, in all of my life, repay the kindness that He shows to me.  sigh.

Of course you all know that we’ve flipped the script this past year and my Husband has also become my Sir.  Honestly, the best decision we have ever made.  I am so very thankful that He was open and willing… and is totally at ease with our new roles. 

You are also aware of my many ups and downs in this dynamic and my (our?) communication shortfalls, but you don’t get to hear His side.  He thinks each and every one of my downswings is a learning experience meant to move us deeper into our roles.  He is such a positive person, I’m trying to keep up with that!! 

Anyway, I’m just saying that we have been married 15 years and it’s kind of a big deal.  =)  I am such a lucky girl and I am truly living the dream.