the one about elephants

I have a good memory. Or a bad memory, depending on what comes to mind, so I suppose I should say long.

I have a long memory.

I remember things forever, I guess. If something or someone has hurt me, I can be transported right back into those feelings at that moment and my brain tells me that it hurts exactly the same. Logically, I know it doesn’t. Logically, I know I have moved on.

I’d like to say I don’t hold grudges, but I’d be a liar. I’d also like to say that I don’t burn bridges, but I light the match with glee. I’d love to say I forgive and forget, but I can’t. I can forgive (with some people FAR too frequently), but I can’t forget.

Elephants don’t forget either.

Man, I don’t want to be an elephant! I’m a kitten, we all know this. I don’t think my cats forget, either, though. Sometimes they look at me like “mom, remember last week when you made me wait five minutes for breakfast? Fuck you.” So much side eye from these cats! I digress…

Elephants. Memories. Me. What triggers my ridiculous memory? Anything, really. A song. A new hurt. Food. Photos. A place. My emotions can get thrown right back into whatever I remember, as if no time has passed. It’s weird, difficult to explain, and it sucks so hard.

Today a smell got me. A shower gel. One that is my favorite and that I used regularly six, five, four years ago. I lathered up my sweaty body and was transported into some bullshit feelings. Not cool. I don’t like anything messing with my showers so I said to myself nope, not today. I tried to fill my mind with other things – it didn’t work. I allowed myself to just feel the past and I didn’t dwell. It hurt but then it washed away. Progress, sort of.

Today’s satsuma scented memory wasn’t a bad one – especially at the time it was made – it just brought up the feelings of stupidity, misinformed decisions, and lies that came to light later. And for those kinds of good- turned-bad memories? The best remedy (for this elephant mind) is replacing the unpleasant with something more palatable. Go back to the place, do a new thing, all with Sir, and make a better memory! It offers a fresher focus so when the elephant strikes, though past still hurts, the new experience has a bigger place in my head. Four decades to figure this out, but better now than never.

As for my little shower situation? Well, I’m sure if I beg Sir properly, he’ll pound some new, sweetly scented memories into me.

Happy Monday and hugs to anyone that can’t stop being an elephant. ūüĖ§


Thinking [humble] Thursday

For the past few weeks, my brain has been overloaded trying to understand motives.  After much deliberation, I have come to the conclusion that 1) these things are not for me to understand, 2) actions really do scream louder than words, thus making motives inconsequential, and 3) drama is for the birds, mostly because birds kind of freak me out.  Since I am long out of middle school, I shall put my head on straight and not partake in the antics.


Back to that at the end, for now let’s get on with it!
You probably already know today is Thursday, but that just dawned on me – here’s what I’m thinking about (c’mon, I know you’ve been waiting all day to see what’s banging around in¬†my silly little head):¬† humility, but specifically the word humble.

The has the definition as follows:

adj.  hum·bler, hum·blest
1. Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful.

2. Showing deferential or submissive respect: a humble apology.
3. Low in rank, quality, or station; unpretentious or lowly: a humble cottage.

I put the second meaning in bold, because that is the aspect I want to delve into a little bit.¬† If you recall, I have a bit of a mouth on me and can be as stubborn as mule.¬† It’s true – I am a mouthy, stubborn, submissive wife. I’m not very proud of it and I try very hard to use my brain before my mouth, but I still struggle.¬†¬†I’ll own it: I can be very difficult.¬† I hesitate to put this here, I’m sure there are those that cannot fathom that I am submissive AND stubborn and mouthy.¬† Judge if you must, but I am what I am – a real person, with real issues, and real challenges – I refuse to sugarcoat it.¬† Okay, back to it – I’m mouthy with my Sir on occasion and I am told to humble myself.¬† Many days my task list includes practicing the humble position (I tried to find a picture,¬†but cannot).¬† For a long while, I only had a general idea of what being humble actually means.¬† I am not overly prideful and I am definitely not arrogant¬†– I was more than a little confused about why He¬†consistently used¬†that word.¬† He would explain, but I’d get so hung up on the actual word that the meaning got a little lost.¬† So, of course I Googled it!!

“Showing submissive respect” finally hit home in my overactive noggin!¬† Every single time I open my mouth, I should be humble.¬† Every action I make should be humble.¬† I should always, always show my Sir submissive respect.¬†So… when my Sir tells me to humble myself, he is reminding me to show him that respect.¬† He is reminding me to remember my place and station in this relationship.¬† When He has me practice the humble position, He is really¬†telling me to¬†devote time to¬†thinking about how to keep my mouth, thoughts, and actions in check. He is trying to help me avoid my runaway mouth and to focus on Him.

Every day, I try to be more mindful of my humility, I try to make sure everything I do is with a humble frame of mind.¬† Do I succeed all the time?¬† Oh my goodness, NO!¬† I have really bad days where I get caught up in my disappointing mouth and attitude – let’s not forget that they had free reign for 35 years, and those behaviors are a weird sort of comfort zone for me, even thought it’s not really comfortable at all.¬† BUT!¬† I have increasingly more days where I¬†am humble, where I am so very happily humble, and THAT is worth every misstep I make and why¬†this path works so well for us.

I wonder if¬†being humble is¬†part of any¬†other submissive’s daily vocabulary?¬† I wonder if¬†people had a greater sense of humility, would¬†a lot of drama be avoided?¬† I wonder if I will ever stop having those outbursts?¬†¬†I have to stop all that¬†wondering and focus more on being humble because that is where I find my happiness.


~ shygirl