Seventeen rebuild


Seventeen is a long time.
Seventeen flew by.
Seventeen held everything.
Seventeen was exclusively ours.
Seventeen was faithful and loving.
Seventeen has been work and play.
Seventeen has been happy and sad.
Seventeen has been easy and difficult.
Seventeen brought change after change.
Seventeen is trust.
Seventeen is comfort.
Seventeen is safety.
Seventeen is home.


Seventeenth is redesign.
Seventeenth is more.
Seventeenth is different.
Seventeenth is shaking the core.
Seventeenth is more inclusive in it’s exclusivity.
Seventeenth grew love exponentially.
Seventeenth makes me panic.
Seventeenth is many questions.
Seventeenth is many more answers.
Seventeenth makes me wonder.
Seventeenth is very exposed.
Seventeenth is a beginning.
Seventeenth is faith, not history.
Seventeenth blurred erased the lines.
Seventeenth is scaring me to death, in an oddly good way.

At this particular moment, I’m in a bit of a panic… my mind leads me down some pretty destructive paths…I want to get a few of my thoughts together and let them free. Didn’t I tell you last week that even the good changes are rough?! Yeah, it seems I’m still on that today.

Sir and I have been together 17 years (and a half!), though he wasn’t always my Sir, we’ve always had a wonderful relationship. We have had such a good life – full of love and laughter, ups and downs, ins and outs. Through it all, we have never strayed, never contemplated leaving, never given up. We have become better people, together.
Big things have happened this year – I mean BIG, huge, wonderful (and frightening) things. I am certain they have served to help us grow and love with greater depth.

Let me be clear: I have ZERO regrets, but lately I have these moments where I seize up with fear. Now I know, in that tiny rational part of my brain, that I do this only because of my insecurities and jealousy and extreme [unfounded] fear that Sir will leave. I do my best to ignore that. I try to believe that little rational voice that says “Don’t be crazy, woman! Don’t listen to that nonsense! You are on the right path!” Some days it’s harder to shake than others.

It’s just that…
Seventeen years is a long time! It really is…a seventeen year mindset can be hard to break. We’ve built a very solid foundation and constructed a beautiful life upon it, that worked for so long. We did such a great job that I got pretty comfortable and felt so very safe. Then, with divine intervention (yep, I really think that ) a lovely hurricane came along that shook the foundation and tore much of the structure down. We had worked so hard and this hurricane was overwhelming and unexpected…and totally made us look at life and love a bit more…widely. That hurricane has truly been a blessing because, as it turns out, we were wanting to remodel! Who knew?! Lucky me. Lucky us. The foundation sustained no damage and we are ready to rebuild a bigger, better structure. All the materials are laid out but we only have the old blueprints. Those suckers just won’t work, not anymore. I need a new set of plans! I’m just standing here looking around, not knowing where to begin, and I’m feeling quite lost. Thankful and happy, but lost…it’s a weird place to be.

different better





More than love.

What we have is more than love, more than history, more than companionship, more than friendship, more than marriage, more than parenthood, more than respect, more than adoration, more than lust, more than D/s, more than happiness.  All of those things exist for us, and I am thankful for it all, but what we have is more.

I do not have the vocabulary for what it is we have. The words I’m looking for do not exist.  What we have is so deliciously overwhelming and all-consuming that it becomes too much to contemplate.  Instead of thinking, I will wrap myself in all that we are and let everything else fade away.  Perhaps one day, I will stumble upon the perfect description of all of this, but until then I will keep it simple.

What we have is more than love.