Following up

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(This photo has nothing to do with anything, but I love it so!)

Sometimes I read blogs and feel pretty invested in the subject matter…only to never hear of a resolution or a follow up. I try to go back to the original post to read through every comment, hoping for some sort of closure, but I feel like a stalker doing that! This is the nature of blogland, but it goes against my nature…even with my own blog. Maybe I stand alone in this, but maybe not. Either way, it’s update time!

My sweet pet is still missed daily. I’ve dried the tears for the most part, but I’ll find a toy or see a commercial (eyeroll) and cry a bit. I was so touched and lifted up by all the kind, heartfelt comments on the original post. I cannot accurately express my gratitude with words, but THANK YOU will have to suffice.

I have been needy all week. I spoke to my Husband a little bit about it Monday, but as He was falling asleep…not the best time. I’m a chicken.

The next day, I just wanted something to do for Him. Anything. He was working, I sent Him a text asking if He needed anything done or purchased. “nah, I’m good, but thanks” was the response.
I’m pretty sure I responded wih “ugh. Ok. :/”  Clearly, I’m in a funk.
So, later yesterday, I sent Him the needy post…copied & pasted into an email. (No, He doesn’t read my blog. Yes, He knows of it.) I got zero response. Last night, I was feeling His Dominance in lots of ways.  All was well.

Cut to this morning, still no email response (strange!) and I was back to feeling out-of-sorts. I email Him again, this time just laying out how I feel when I get no response…like I’m spiraling downward. No response to that as of yet, but He did respond to the original email. Good grief! The response was positive, and yet-

I feel like I’m on the razor edge of something. I’m bleeding but don’t know which side I should land on, so I stay on top of the blade and it keeps cutting deeper. As I type this, I’m pretty sure that blade is my silence, my shyness, my insecurities. Crap.

And since I had a moment of strength and sent the second email, I know we will have to talk about this! So hard for me – I always feel so raw and exposed. That armor I had for years just isn’t around now and all this honesty makes me…nervous…scared…delicate…little…

This has been such a long week and it’s only Wednesday! I’m going to turn this around tonight, maybe after a drink or two. (positive thinking until He gets home!)

Feeling like this: Radiohead – Just

shygirl

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On being needy…

I am a needy creature.

I need not only the basics – food, water, shelter – I need to submit.

I don’t simply want to submit or enjoy submitting, I need it.

The thing about it, though…sometimes I fight it and I need a little help. I need to feel His dominance to remember that submitting is okay and beautiful.

I don’t need constant rules and punishment and scenes, but I really do need structure and praise and consequence.

I need follow-through, always, even when life is busy. 

I need that look, that eyebrow, that firm hand on my neck.

I need love.

Now and again, I need assurances that He is happy with this, that He is getting as much from this as I am, because I worry.

I know I am needy and this I can be a lot of work, so I really need to know I am making Him happy.

He is good at letting me know all is well and happy. He is great at fulfilling my needs. We have come such a long way and I’ve never felt happier or more complete.

But…

This is on me – I do understand this is my head talking – just sometimes, I need a little more.

shygirl