disobedience not tolerated

“Your Dom will take disobedience seriously, because they care enough to make you obey.”

I’ve been working on this post for weeks and just deleted every last word. Ahhh!
I know punishment and/or correction isn’t a part of every D/s relationship. I also know there are many differing views on it.

That said, Sir does take corrective action when I disobey or step out of line. He is not overly strict, but I am never allowed to be disrespectful. I can disagree (at certain times), I can ask for something to be explained or expounded on, I can get angry… But I must always stay humble and am never to do it in a way that’s disrespectful.

Let me tell you, that’s harder than it sounds!! I have quite the mouth on me and bad words are like a security blanket when I’m upset. Seriously, the struggle is real.

I hate getting in trouble. I hate disappointing Sir. But I love that He cares enough to put a stop to it. There was a little while there, where I wasn’t doing so great with all the things life was throwing at me, and He eased up, let me get away with a bit more. You’d think I’d appreciate the leeway. Nope, not me! Instead, I felt like I didn’t really matter, like He did not care. That wasn’t the case, but I felt it in my soul… And also felt bad, wrong, fucked up for missing His punishment, something that I hate anyway. I could not figure out why I hated His graciousness or why I needed Him to be harder on me. I really needed firm direction and strict guidance. I was foundering and I was a mess!

And then I came across that quote at the top and something clicked. I think I even said outloud “Yes! That!”. I sent it to my Sir immediately. No comments, just the quote. He seemed to agree and we had a conversation. He explained His easiness with me. I know now that He was coming out of a place of love and concern. His leniency was out of care for my fragility. I let Him know it was not working!! Things immediately got back to normal.

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These days I don’t need a whole lot of correction because I’ve grown – just don’t ask about this morning. ūüėČ When I do happen to fall back into my old ways, Sir is right there to remind me of who I am and how I am to behave. Whether it’s right or wrong, I still need His correction and I am so thankful that Sir cares enough to make me obey.

~shygirl

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…then the world shifted

How do you write about an experience that goes well beyond words?¬† How do you convey the magnitude of what has changed inside you, when the vocabulary just isn’t there?

I have attempted this feat no less than five times and failed.  This is my sixth attempt and possibly my last.  If I cannot get the message across, just know that I have grown by leaps and bounds and changed for the better.

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I’ve already posted about my¬†crappy Friday, so I won’t bore you with that again.¬† I only bring it up so that you understand that I was VERY determined to make the weekend fantastic.

Saturday was great.¬† A day chock full of family stuff, but Sir and I were just connecting on a much higher level.¬† You know the one… just overly aware and in tune with each other.¬† Happy Sir, happy sub, happy minions.¬† Happy day.

Sunday began in much the same way. Connected and happy. We walked into Lowe’s for some paint and hardware, and the day took a nosedive.¬† The paint guy would not stop trying to flirt with me – I just wasn’t having it, Sir had gone to get the screws, and it was crowded. I was starting to get very anxious and just needed to leave, but everything was slow.¬† When Sir finally came back, I gave Him an attitude. He began to count quietly.¬† I am very aware of the wrath¬†His numbers bring, but instead of checking myself, I may have said “Go ahead and count, I don’t care” and I may have hauled ass down the aisle and over to the next.¬† Sir continued to count, and followed me into the next aisle.¬† As He got closer, He told me to come to Him… I did. I didn’t want to ruin the day and I had begun to realize that my childish behavior was a mistake. We had a quick talk in the middle of Lowe’s¬†– I apologized and we sealed it with a quick peck on the lips.¬† The rest of the day went swimmingly, the Lowe’s incident long forgotten by bedtime.¬† We took a long shower – we washed and played and washed again.¬† I was a happy girl – spent and content.¬† I crawled into bed,¬†laid my head on Sir’s chest, relaxed in my home, and prepared for the sweet dance into sleep.¬† We talked about nothing, Sir stroked my arm.

“Urrrrgggghhhhh, I have to take care of something first.”

I had no clue what was going on, I thought maybe He had to check the doors again or something. That was not the case. He straddled my back, pulled the top of my pants down…smack…ever so lightly. “You have 40 from the store.”¬† Shit.

***Let me pause right here to say that I have had PLENTY of punishment spankings (sadly), most with an implement and most VERY hard. Please keep that in mind.***

So…I’d gotten one, rather tame, spanking on my behind from Sir’s hand… and I LOST it. I cried.¬† I begged. I pleaded. I blubbered. I wailed. I begged and begged some more for Him to stop. He gave me ten during all of that. As soon as He said ten, he was beside me, asking why I was crying like that. Sir knew He was not spanking me hard, so He¬†was sure¬†it was not a physical pain.¬†At first, I could not answer Him, I just continued blubbering and crying.¬† I had a hard time trying to grasp exactly why I was having a problem. Sir was patient, listened to me trying to explain that I just didn’t want them because I was so very sorry, but He didn’t budge.¬† He very calmly told me that I had earned them in the store and if He didn’t give them to me, it would mean nothing…His words would mean nothing. After a few minutes, I could breathe again and Sir gave me the remaining 30 swats.¬† “You don’t like those kind do you? Those aren’t the good kind, are they?”¬† “NO, Sir”

I cried tears that I have NEVER cried before.¬† Those tears were straight from my soul. That was the¬†only punishment that has ever affected me in such a way. This is not to say that I have never been sorry for my behavior, or never thought about my transgressions during punishment spankings. I always hate disappointing Sir, but somehow it was different. (This is where it gets tricky to explain, sorry if I ramble)¬† I’m not entirely sure what¬†was so different. Maybe it was the fact that I knew we would not be having sex after my punishment. Maybe it was because I knew Sir was not happy¬†to¬†have to give those spankings to me. Maybe it was because my Sir knew that I needed consistency, even¬†if He’d rather just hold me. Maybe it was because I felt fucking horrible about the way that I’d¬†acted and that I’d put my Husband in this position in the first place.¬† Maybe it was because I felt relieved that He was following through, despite my meltdown.¬† Maybe it was because all of a sudden everything just felt much more real. I’m still not able to pinpoint the how’s and why’s, but I know that during those long minutes, something inside of me changed. I felt it then and I still feel it now.¬† Whatever changed is permanent and it is so good.¬†It kind of feels like that last bit of wall inside of me, that last bit that needed to hold on to just a little bit of power, was busted through and my submissive has completely taken over.¬† Everything I do, everything I think, everything I see, everything I say, everything I am… is all so very different, but still very much the same.¬†The world shifted and I am just more … me.¬† We are more… we.

unforgivable, I am

Disagreements? Miscommunications? Arguments?

I think this is a part of every relationship, D/s or otherwise (please tell me yes!¬† Please do not say that now that you’re D/s these things don’t occur! I’m fragile right now, people!).¬† The difference with D/s is the way that you handle them.¬† Correct?

So then what happens when you handle them with vanilla?  Gasp!

And then what happens when your Sir also responds in a vanilla way?

Nothing good, that’s for sure.¬† Probably a lot of tears out of you, probably a lot of apologizing from your Sir.¬† Things¬†are worked out, talked through, you are moving on. You have a great scene with lots of quality crop time, you feel better. Until you wake up.

When you wake up, little sub, you feel like shit.¬† You feel undeserving and too needy and just not enough.¬† Maybe you take off your necklace because you don’t feel¬†worthy enough to wear it – that probably makes you feel worse.¬† You replay those 10 minutes in the car where everything fell to hell and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that YOU are the one that started this ship sinking.¬† You opened your mouth and the things that tumbled out, while true, were not presented with respect or kindness.¬† Although, the worry you voiced was not about your relationship in any way or directed to your Sir personally, you said ugly things.¬† You felt nervous, you felt scared… but you didn’t say it right.¬† Not by a long shot.

And your Sir was silent…¬†until He wasn’t. And what He had to say was true, but He didn’t present it very well, either.¬† He is tired of you not controlling your mouth.¬† Message received.

And now here you are, a stressful, busy day that should’ve already been started and you are on the computer. You email your Sir.¬†Twice. You check the blogs hoping to find a nugget to make you feel not so alone.¬† Try to find something that says “Hey, we fuck up too!”, but you give up and write your own post.¬† You hope that’ll make you feel better, at least a little.¬† Your Sir emails you back with nothing but beautiful things to say, but you still beat yourself up, you still punish yourself.¬† For what?¬† For the lesson.¬† You are very disappointed in yourself and aren’t sure how to rise out of that.¬† You are so hard on yourself, because you wanted this life sooooo badly, you are so very thankful for it, you are thrilled that your Husband is also your Sir… and you still go and open your mouth in the most unattractive, vanilla way possible.¬† Your Sir forgives you, He’s said it over and over, but in your mind, this is unforgivable. You are unforgivable and you need to feel as bad as possible so that you can maybe tame your mouth.¬†Right?