more than dark

image

Credited to Lucille Clifton from "moonchild"

Take me from this
Away from here

I’m no longer mine
Yours without fear

Please bring me up
Buried so deep

Set me on fire
Never to sleep

Strike it from memory
Pain that transcends

Bruised by the love
Will never bends

Sent over the edge
Plunged into bliss

Mind kicks back in
Hurting like this

Tears start to fall
Panic so near

Stay a bit longer
’til dark disappears

The sadness and stress
Tearing in two

Everything that I am
Solely for you

Bring me back ’round
Push it away

I must rise above
Sins I’ll repay

Please give me more
Need to forget

Help me float away
No more regret

image

~shygirl

Advertisements

stress + D/s

I’ve done so many posts over the past months about all of the stress that’s been happening in and around me. So many things out of my control, out of Sir’s control, and then the heartbreak on top… Well, it’s really had me all twisted.

image

I’d love to say that I’ve handled it like a champ!
I’d love to say that I’ve rolled with punches!
I’d love to say that I haven’t let it invade every part of me.
I’d love to say those things, but we all know I can’t.

On one of the posts, someone asked if D/s has helped me handle it all. Without hesitation, I answered yes! Of course! And that’s true, but it got me thinking…

D/s is our everyday, our every moment. D/s is the foundation, the structure on which our relationship stands.
There are no breaks.
There are no time outs.
There is no “I’m not feeling subby today, so I won’t obey.”
Just like our marriage doesn’t stop, neither does the D/s dynamic.
So when there is stress piled on our shoulders, it affects our lives, therefore it affects D/s.
When there is hurt and anger, it affects our lives, therefore it affects D/s.
When I feel like a nothing, it affects our lives, therefore it affects D/s.
There is no division. D/s is now so very intertwined into everything there is just no way to isolate it.

The fact is, sometimes life is hard.
When the hard times barge in, the marriage, therefore the D/s, requires a helluva lot more effort. I’m not talking effort to stay together, or anything as drastic as that. I just mean it takes a much more concerted effort to keep the stress separate from the ‘us’.
Those days when I feel like a total failure at life – is it easy to be humble and to obey everything asked of me?
No! It is not.
It’s also not easy to hold a conversation, or leave the house, or even eat.
Those days when Sir works longer hours and I spend time hopping from one crisis to the next are killer.
I am awful at handling this much. I turn to Sir for His words and guidance and love and support. Sometimes I look to Him just to find my next breath. I’m lost, I tell Him. God, I have told Him that so much lately. Too much.

Has D/s made the stress easier to deal with, though?
Yes. I have never been so open and able to share. Sir listens to every rant, to every meltdown, to every choking sob, to every confused word out of my mouth. He forces helps me to let go but not give up.
But also, sometimes, No. You see pre-D/s I could hide. I would hole up in my head until I had it figured out. I could get angry and lash out. I could yell. I would behave like an ass.
(You guys, I don’t want to behave like an ass anymore, please don’t misunderstand. It’s just that spitting venom used to be an easy release.)
Our D/s requires me to be respectful and humble at all times, even when I’m confused or angry. Especially then, actually. That is a beautiful thing, but fuck if it isn’t hard.

So, does stress adversely affect our D/s? Hell yes. Stress is the ugliest bitch around. Stress affects everything.

Does our 24/7 D/s dynamic help to manage stress? Hell yes. D/s means we are open in all ways. Sharing the burden lightens the load.

Does my submissiveness take a backseat due to stress? No. However, at times, it takes much more effort to stay in the correct mindset. It can also be much more difficult for Sir to take me out of my head.

Does Sir’s dominance take a backseat due to stress? No. But I think I require more of everything, and that can be hard to understand and manage whilst all the stress is around.

I know there will always be stress and there will always be times when the stress seems more plentiful than anything else. That’s life.

But my life is also full of love and laughter. I do not exaggerate when I say that my Husband becoming my Sir was one of the best choices we have ever made. 24/7 D/s, our marriage, our love is so much stronger than any amount of stress.

image

I don’t know how other people handle stress. I hope most are better than me.

image

Here’s to a low-stress weekend.
Happy Friday. 🙂

~shygirl

stress + me

image

You’re a bitch, Stress.

I’ve been researching.
Buying and selling a house is, by all accounts, one of the most stressful events in a person’s life.
Always listed in the top 5.
Usually in the top 3.
And multiple sources claim it is more stressful than a breakup.

Now imagine that stress… For over a year.
Hi. That’s me!
But the really high stress has been the past few months.

On top of carrying two houses, let’s throw some more things into the stress clusterfuck, just for giggles! Like…

Appliances that need replaced, rooms that rain inside (this home is brand new, folks!), emails to almost-adult daughter’s counselor and principals, meetings and ambushes by said administration, the boy’s new devastating migraines, the middle daughter’s thirteen-year-old-ness, moving two kids to a new school district mid-year, self imposed guilt for quitting a job, a mom schedule that makes any other job pretty far fetched, legs bitten by ants, a truck needing replaced, Christmas, no real internet, no real television, no real people to talk to, braces to be had, wisdom teeth to be pulled, eye exams to be scheduled, classes to get out of, my clumsy hurt dad… I could keep going…but my water is getting cold so I’ll stop.

Everyday I wonder, how will I get through this bout of crushing stress and worry? And then I saw this:

image

Yes, I’ll just keep breathing, I suppose. I cannot recall a time in all of my 38 years that I’ve felt so stressed, so overwhelmed, so incapable. Oh it could always be worse! I know that all too well. But I also know that…

image

Therefore I keep repeating to myself…

image

And it will. Everything passes, moves right on along. I’m going to move along, too, singing all the while.

And of course there’s always the fact that Sir loves me no matter what because…

image

Thank God for Him. I’m sure He’s tired of holding me up and keeping me together. (Though, I don’t think He minds doling out the regular beatings.)

Happy Tuesday. Tomorrow I’ll be bringing the D/s back.
~shygirl