new year, new…

Me? No, probably not.

The moment I dare to think I will have the time or the words to jump back into my blog, life knocks me down and then it’s all I can to do manage the minimal day to day.

That’s okay, life is okay, Sir and I are okay, and all will continue to be okay. Day by day. Just keep fucking swimming.

But I’m not here to fuss or to vent or to moan about things that aren’t quite right. Not today.

Today I’m here to say Happy New Year! I am here to say that laughter through the tears is the way to go! Mostly, I’m here to ruminate on my little Etsy shop. Not to plug it, or to convince you to purchase something (but feel free, we make it all with love and pain in mind). I just want to remind you that little things are, in fact, the biggest things.

My shop is small. We sell heavy duty spreader bars, burned spoons, loopy pain devices, and recently added enamel pins which are an unexpected hit. We don’t sell a lot, but it has picked up slightly. Usually the uptick comes when we need it most and I just feel so thankful – like a higher power is looking out. Yeah, my god totally supports my BDSM shop. Praise be. 😉

My favorite part about running this little side-hustle isn’t the small boost to income, it’s the connection of it all. The open and frank conversations with likeminded individuals. No pretense. No embarrassment. Questions. Answers. Discussions. About sensation or strength, Dominant & submissive gifts, custom words.

Recently I’ve had two gift orders wherein I’ve handwritten the dictated message. I love it! I love getting a glimpse into the lives of others on similar paths, or very different ones. I love being a voyeur. I love getting to be a part of these dirty little gifts that are also sent with so much love. It’s really life-affirming for me, which I know sounds a little extra, but it is. The small moments remind of the validity of our choices and preferences. Our needs may not be the norm, but we aren’t the only ones. I need that because sometimes, even after all these years, I start to worry that I’m not ‘right’ or that this dynamic is just a manifestation of my fucked-up-ness. I’m not good at friends, and sometimes that gets lonely and very isolating. But having this meager shop (and this blog when I utilize it) gives me a sense of community, belonging, and understanding that I’d otherwise not have.

In the new year, I hope to rekindle my affair with this blog and to invest more time and research (ha!) into new things for my shop. Hold me accountable! Send me a message asking what’s up! Even if you don’t want to buy, follow my shop, follow my blog, let’s chat!

And if any of you have ever purchased, thank you from the depths of my black heart and just know that I secretly consider you party of my kinky, dirty family.

Much love & laughter to all!

Happy weekend!

shygirl

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the stool

It took all day to come up with something that REALLY reminded me of submission. My head isn’t in a good place with this. But as things do, it came to me when I wasn’t even thinking about it. 

This rickety, old, busted up thing is my favorite. 

It reminds me of the beginning and the end, of love and hurt, of pain and soothing. It reminds me of our old closet and the awakenings that happened there, but also the tears and struggle. It makes me sad to remember, but also happy. 

It is a physical reminder that even when things feel broken and irredeemable, there can still be hope. If it happened once, it can happen again. Good. And bad. 

Trusting, especially when you feel the most alone. Surrendering the fear. Embracing the current.

This is submission.

Happy New Year! 

~shygirl

perfect, I’m not

I’m no angel.
I make bad choices.
I am needy.
I am insecure.
I think too much.
I say mean things.
I have a temper.
I am not trusting.
I cry.
I yell.
I am anxious.
I am nervous.
I am scared.
I am quiet.
I talk too much.
I beat dead horses.
I give up.
I am jealous.
I am impatient.
I am contradictory.
I am stubborn.
I am a walking disaster.

My flaws are plentiful and I am acutely aware of them every single day.
I am not blameless.
In anything.

But.
I work to balance/solve/lessen my shortcomings.
I am loyal.
I am honest.
I am funny.
I have great willpower.
I try.
I put in real effort.
I love so fucking hard.

The good doesn’t outweigh the bad, does it? Damn.
How lucky I am that my Husband, my Sir, loves me so much!
Maybe He loves me so much, there’s no room for anything else.
Maybe the universe has already given me more than I deserve.
Maybe.
….

My sister made a joke recently about a Tinder for friends. It’s hard to find friends, make friends, keep friends.
Maybe Tinder would be better like… Hey…
No pressure, I just want coffee & giggles!
No commitment, let’s go see a movie!
No feelings, ever… But a shopping day would be nice!
No real anything, let’s just have a bit of fun!
And then on to the next.
Comeradrie, no substance.
Easy. Breezy.
Sounds good, right?!
Not to me –
I’m shy and awkward.
Plus I have all those issues!
So what’s a girl like me to do?

I’ll throw myself into my submission.
I’ll sink into the love, into Sir.
I’ll work on my problems.
I’ll let everything else fall away.

~shygirl