perfect, I’m not

I’m no angel.
I make bad choices.
I am needy.
I am insecure.
I think too much.
I say mean things.
I have a temper.
I am not trusting.
I cry.
I yell.
I am anxious.
I am nervous.
I am scared.
I am quiet.
I talk too much.
I beat dead horses.
I give up.
I am jealous.
I am impatient.
I am contradictory.
I am stubborn.
I am a walking disaster.

My flaws are plentiful and I am acutely aware of them every single day.
I am not blameless.
In anything.

But.
I work to balance/solve/lessen my shortcomings.
I am loyal.
I am honest.
I am funny.
I have great willpower.
I try.
I put in real effort.
I love so fucking hard.

The good doesn’t outweigh the bad, does it? Damn.
How lucky I am that my Husband, my Sir, loves me so much!
Maybe He loves me so much, there’s no room for anything else.
Maybe the universe has already given me more than I deserve.
Maybe.
….

My sister made a joke recently about a Tinder for friends. It’s hard to find friends, make friends, keep friends.
Maybe Tinder would be better like… Hey…
No pressure, I just want coffee & giggles!
No commitment, let’s go see a movie!
No feelings, ever… But a shopping day would be nice!
No real anything, let’s just have a bit of fun!
And then on to the next.
Comeradrie, no substance.
Easy. Breezy.
Sounds good, right?!
Not to me –
I’m shy and awkward.
Plus I have all those issues!
So what’s a girl like me to do?

I’ll throw myself into my submission.
I’ll sink into the love, into Sir.
I’ll work on my problems.
I’ll let everything else fall away.

~shygirl

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over today

“I will love you so hard when I get home.”

Sir made sure I had many reminders of Him today, this first day back. Always my necklace that serves as a day collar (the pearl today, though sometimes the wolf), wedding ring, a bruised ass, roped leg, rubber band, cuff… He took my panties away, had me write on myself, and send various pictures… But…still…

image

This day was so shitty! I fought back tears all day, resisted the urge to lay into boss woman, and when 1:00 rolled around, I didn’t think I could take anymore. I texted Sir, told Him I was going to break.

He responded perfectly, of course. He holds me up when I just cannot fathom standing another second. He’s had to do it so much lately, and I’m so fucking thankful!

“I will love you so hard when I get home.”

I am ready for the home (and the coffee!!), and the love, and the hard, Sir!

Tuesday’s looking up.
~shygirl

Thinking [boxes] Thursday

routine

I would say that makes sense, but here’s the thing:  I kind of like routine.  I do not like monotony – I do like to switch it up, but within the safe confines of my routine. I realize that may sound a little crazy, a little impossible, but that’s how I am most comfortable.  A basic routine… very general… with many variations inside of that big ol’ box of comfort.

comfortzone

Sir, however, keeps me teetering on the edge of my comfort zone.. and often pushes me right on over.  I was recently given a task I thought I would not be able to complete.  I may have cried a little bit and I definitely had a lot of anxiety over it.  In fact, I went so far as to tell Sir I just couldn’t do it.  I was swiftly informed that wasn’t even an option.

againstthewind

He said “Rise my beautiful girl.”  (swoon…)  After words like that, how the hell could I not comply?  And so I did.  I completed the task with red cheeks, shaky hands and more embarrassment than a person should be allowed to feel.  Even more than that, though, I felt pride and relief that I was able to overcome those insecure feelings and just get it done.  I fought through it and I tried my best.  I haven’t gotten any feedback just yet, but I feel pretty good about the job I did.

 

As Sir keeps pushing me outside my box of safety, the lines blur more and more.  Soon enough, I imagine the box will disappear altogether and then where will my safety lie!?  I actually know that answer: with my Husband!  He has always been my safety and my comfort.  I see now that the box has only served as a place for me to hide and I want it gone.

neverseealone

So, for my Sir, my Husband, who has always been there to push me and to catch me – I am forever indebted!  Truly, I am not the boss (still working on that bracelet) and never want to be again.  He knows what he’s doing.  He knows, better than I, what I need.  Sir brings out the best… the MOST… in me and I will always do my utmost to rise for Him.

~shygirl