thinking [made for this] thursday

I am made for this.

Some days I forget that. I forget that my only freedom is through submission. I fall back on past versions that could only rely on myself. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I chastise myself for not being stronger or for not being more timid. I rail against direction and instruction because I focus on the little changes I don’t like. I forget to build up the positive. I forget why I am how I am. I forget who I am.

Today I’m digging deep. I know that I am Yours. I know that You are mine. I know that submitting is strength. I know that holding grudges, no matter how small, only holds us apart. I know that D/s is the way, our only way. I know that consistency doesn’t mean monotony and that change is inevitable and beneficial. I know that life is good. I know Your love.

Never doubt.

I was made for this.

-shygirl

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what do you say

What is the best feeling in the world?

For real, I am asking. I was awake most of the night pondering this question, but that’s a whole other thing. So, the absolute best feeling that you have ever felt in your entire life – what was it?

Was it something so simple as that first sip of coffee in the morning?
Maybe how you feel after a hard workout?
Would you say the best you’ve ever felt was from an illicit drug?
Your wedding day?
The birth of a child?
Praise? Attention? Recognition?
Finishing something?
Sinking into a bathtub?
Sex?

What the fuck is the best feeling in the world?

I’ve done all of those things – the coffee, the workout, the drugs, the wedding, the birth three times over, the accolades, the completing, the sex, the bath – and so much more.
They all have their merits, big or small. All can bring joy and feel amazing, but the best?

An easy answer would be bringing life into the world because it is so everything – BUT just for a second, lets take childbirth out of the equation. Now what is the best feeling?

I really do want to know.

For me the best feeling is…

Submission.
Total submission.
Giving up not just my body, but my mind, my heart, my very self.
Absolute trust.
A beautiful trip to subspace.
The moments when I am replaced with so much Dominance and Love that I cease to exist on this plane. I become transported to a different dimension where my brain is quiet (no easy feat). The place where anxiety and fear don’t exist – because there just is no more room inside.
Complete surrender.
Wholly shattered yet complete.
There is no better high to chase.
Not for me.

… and that is how I know that I am submissive to the core.

But I wonder if that is how other submissives feel? Or Dominants, on the flipside?
If anyone is still around reading this, I’d LOVE for you to weigh-in.

Happy Tuesday!!
~shygirl ♥

 

thinking [human] thursday

Sir sends me tasks to complete daily. Not chores, usually, but things intended to remind me of my submission – like postures to practice, things to write, photos to take, things to insert – and sometimes i don’t receive them with an overly submissive heart. You read that right! On occasion, I open the app and read the tasks and feel some sort of way about them – angry, irritated, forgotten, unheard, resentful – anything but the submissive thankfulness I should be feeling.

God, it’s shameful to put that into words, to make it so concrete here in black and white for the world to see. Though you may not judge me, i sure as hell do and I think that is an awful way to react to directives from my Dom. Today, i am not going to dwell on my Olympic level judging abilities. No, today I want to try a concept I find hard to grasp – Grace.

Back to it: Tasks. Submissive heart. Feelings. Yeah… A few days ago, Sir tasked me to begin working on a new blog post. He has never regulated this space in any way, but He knows i have not written in a while because -reasons- and He wanted to help me get back into it, it’s good for me,  or something like that.

I had ideas – a sexy balcony escapade retelling, shame/love, meeting where we are – but ultimately i railed against the task with an ugly heart and this morning i told Him why.
“I have nothing to say”
“I feel like a fraud”
“It makes me sad”
“Everything is different”
“I am embarrassed”

Ouch, right?? But how on earth can i write something when everything is different, when not everything has been smooth sailing – without looking like a liar? Because I’ll tell you, sometimes i FEEL like a liar, and i hate liars so… do that math.

As usual, Sir hit me with some dreaded logic (ugh) and some kind, wise words that i really did not want to hear. Just take my very valid excuses and let me be! By now you know that He wasn’t having it. And since the only way through something, is actually THROUGH it, maybe i won’t feel so alone if i drag y’all with me.

The past few years have been full of struggle for our dynamic.

*breathing*

Our 20 year marriage hasn’t been in jeopardy. There has been no infidelity, no major fights, no major anything. We are still 24/7 D/s… that hasn’t really wavered, either. So what the hell has been the struggle?? The way our D/s looks, the way it works, the way it feels… has morphed in a lot of ways and it has been a fucking struggle. He is my Dom 100%, I am His sub 100% but sometimes – okay, a lot of times- we just haven’t been on the same 24/7 D/s page. If you ask me, at times we weren’t even in the same book. And it has been heartbreaking for me. So we have struggled being on the same page because we both had ideas how to pick up from circumstances that sort of derailed us back then. I’ve been trying to just GET BACK to there and he’s been trying to MOVE ON from here. And neither one of us could ever work fast enough for the other before sometime turned their page again. Over and over. And endless cycle of ramping up but never getting into gear.

I put a self-imposed gag order for my blog so i didn’t have an outlet. I have no friends to speak of, no one to bounce things off so I have been bottling and exploding (toxic, i know). Please don’t think I’ve had years of misery, because that certainly is not the case. Sir and I always have fun, D/s is our normal – there have just been intermittent struggles. Maybe I’ll elaborate on those in the future or maybe I’ll let them lie, but for now i just wanted to start the process of true growth.

The takeaway today is this:

Though i do not always do things with a submissive heart, I AM submissive to my core. My shortcomings do not make me any less. I will never be perfect, but i will always try to be a better human.

Though Sir and I may have struggled pretty hard, we are still very much in love and practice 24/7 D/s. We will never be anyone’s version of perfect, but we will always strive to be better versions of ourselves for each other.

The way things appear to the outside world are not our concern. We do what works, we work through what doesn’t. We love, We play, we are still figuring things out as we go.

And this HAS to be okay to talk about, because maybe you are human, too.

~shygirl