what do you say

What is the best feeling in the world?

For real, I am asking. I was awake most of the night pondering this question, but that’s a whole other thing. So, the absolute best feeling that you have ever felt in your entire life – what was it?

Was it something so simple as that first sip of coffee in the morning?
Maybe how you feel after a hard workout?
Would you say the best you’ve ever felt was from an illicit drug?
Your wedding day?
The birth of a child?
Praise? Attention? Recognition?
Finishing something?
Sinking into a bathtub?
Sex?

What the fuck is the best feeling in the world?

I’ve done all of those things – the coffee, the workout, the drugs, the wedding, the birth three times over, the accolades, the completing, the sex, the bath – and so much more.
They all have their merits, big or small. All can bring joy and feel amazing, but the best?

An easy answer would be bringing life into the world because it is so everything – BUT just for a second, lets take childbirth out of the equation. Now what is the best feeling?

I really do want to know.

For me the best feeling is…

Submission.
Total submission.
Giving up not just my body, but my mind, my heart, my very self.
Absolute trust.
A beautiful trip to subspace.
The moments when I am replaced with so much Dominance and Love that I cease to exist on this plane. I become transported to a different dimension where my brain is quiet (no easy feat). The place where anxiety and fear don’t exist – because there just is no more room inside.
Complete surrender.
Wholly shattered yet complete.
There is no better high to chase.
Not for me.

… and that is how I know that I am submissive to the core.

But I wonder if that is how other submissives feel? Or Dominants, on the flipside?
If anyone is still around reading this, I’d LOVE for you to weigh-in.

Happy Tuesday!!
~shygirl ♥

 

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the right side of pain

I find myself in the bathtub, water cooling off, wishing there were someone I could talk to. Longing for a somebody to share the deeper aspects of my life with. I have Sir, yes I do, and He is my favorite and there is nothing I cannot tell Him. But I mean… A friend, a commiserator, a person in the lifestyle. Then I remembered – I have a blog where no one knows my day to day. A place where no one can judge me because yeah, they don’t know me, but bigger than that… The people aren’t there to tear me down. They can relate or they cannot. They can offer insight or they can offer solidarity. We aren’t in competition, and I cannot lose. But on the best of days, I can gain so much! 

I missed this. I have missed writing like this, anonymous but somehow my truest self. I stepped back because… Life went sideways. The last day of May, life as I knew it imploded. The months since have been hard. Soul-crushingly hard, but I am actually really thankful. It took all these months to realize that the struggle with our daughter has been the shittiest experience, but also a huge blessing. 

It’s hard to say that. It shouldn’t take the threat of a child’s suicide for a mother to recognize the ways in which she’s failed. But that’s a thing that happened and I am forever changed. 

However… That is the WRONG fucking side of pain. Wrong for her, wrong for me,  wrong for our family, wrong for Sir, wrong for D/s, wrong for life. That is the destructive, sinking, WRONG side of pain.

But there is a RIGHT side of pain. Once you pass that hurdle, you turn a corner, you face the ugly truths, and you come out better… That’s the right side.

Like when… 

Your Sir is raining down blows from the cane, warming you up, steadily increasing the force. 

Maybe you are wiggling, the room is getting too hot to take. Your mind cannot get away from all that shit in your head. You might tell Him you can’t take anymore, that really, seriously you are done. But you don’t safeword. No, not quite to that point, but you might be thinking about it. 

All the while your Sir continues bringing that cane down, telling you what a good girl you are and reminding you that you ARE already taking it. 

And then it happens… That one word, that one strike…  That moment that everything gives over. Your mind blanks on anything but the present, your breathing slows, you take in a shaky breath, and you are there. 

You are in the moment, you are nothing and everything, and you are confident that there is nothing you can’t take. You don’t fight or protest, you still and absorb it all. Each time the cane hits, it is love and desire; the most perfect symphony in all the world. It is overwhelming and it is freeing and you will probably orgasm because it is all just so good. You, Sir, struggle, defeat, victory, orgasm. And when that coveted pain brings you to a higher level of being?? That is magical.

That is the right side of pain. 
Happy weekend everyone. 

~shygirl

… submission is …

My submission is very personal.
It is something I always am, but I do not make it readily available to anyone but Sir. We’ve been doing this 24/7 thing for a while now, and like anything in life, I fear it could become so commonplace as to be taken for granted. That hasn’t happened here, but I always actively try to keep such things at bay.

I firmly believe in questioning what you know, in playing devil’s advocate, in consistently trying to learn and grow. So my whole life, I will take a topic… let’s say love… and I really try to get to the bottom of it: What is love? How does love behave? How should love react? What does love feel like? When is it confusion, not love? Where are the lines that love is bound by? How can I express love? How can I be love?
Sure the answers change, shift, and evolve, but would I even realize if I didn’t regularly ask?! I can’t say for sure, but I know this sort of thinking keeps me on my toes and makes love something I am actively doing. Love, for me, is a verb. I want no less than that.

So it stands to reason that I ask similar questions about my submission and D/s structure. I haven’t been asking these questions for nearly as long (four years, give or take), and it can become some seriously spiraled thinking. Sometimes the answers form so slowly, I nearly die of impatience.  Other times, I think I have it figured out, but become convinced that I’m doing all of this wrong! So I ponder, and worry, and fret until I have a set of parameters that I can operate safely within. That is, until we push limits and adjust lines… or Sir says, oh no, this is how we will do it… and the questioning starts all over again. It can be daunting, but I think this is a good way for me to operate – Sir and I have been together 19 1/2 years, so something is working!

(That was the longest intro, just to get to a silly list!)

Today is one of those days that I am questioning my ability to do/be/understand anything. Since I should absolutely not document all the ways I’m feeling subpar (love, friendship, family, D/s, motherhood), I’m going to lift this day up, and make a simple submission list – what submission is to me. Single, simple words. If any expanding is needed, let me know. 🙂

Submission is…
Love.
Trust.
Respect.
Safety.
Pain.
Hard.
All-encompassing.
Tearful.
Honest.
Exposed.
Playful.
Humble.
Understanding.
Compassion.
Connection.
Anticipation.
Mindful.
Overcoming.
Growth.
Happiness.
Contentment.
Resolution.
Words!
Truth.
Scary.
Selfless.
Sunshine.
Strength.
Work.
Consistent.
Vulnerable.
Fulfillment.
His will.
Everything.
Me.

Hallelujah! It is Friday! Happy weekend, y’all! Enjoy the fireworks and the heat (around here, anyway)!
~shygirl