I’ve been writing a lot. My drafts folder on here is filled with various things… good and bad, sexy and bland. My notebooks have many half-finished posts, tear-laden rants and questions galore. Nothing I feel like publishing just yet… nothing particularly uplifting or insightful. However, I am in a writing mood – a funky, not-so-good mood. And because I’m ALWAYS in a singing mood, and a list making mood, I’m going to, once again, go with what I know. And while I am going with what I know, I’m going to beat a dead horse or two. If you don’t like redundancy, or music, or bad words… you may want to leave now.
Okay… let’s see where this goes:
Today, I am two weeks post-op. I am much better than I have been but nowhere near where I want to be. I’m still lopsided and swollen. My boobs ache, my nipples are constantly hard (to the point where it’s painful), and my incisions are stingy and stabby. I know those I love, that love me, haven’t run away, but it feels that way a lot. Some roads you just have to walk alone. My Cailin is sort of walking down the same road with me… though hers is gravel, while mine is paved… and she, rightfully, has to focus on her own travels. Sir is fantastic, but he just doesn’t know (he doesn’t have this equipment)!
This song is currently my jam! You can find me rocking out… bass thumping… driving around in my car. I put it here though because of the line “and I’m gonna show ya what’s really crazy”. These past weeks I feel so damn crazy. Everything has shifted and changed. Things I could depend on, that really made my days much brighter have kind of fallen by the wayside. Oh, I knew it would come eventually. I did. I expected it. I just didn’t expect it all at once, during at time I needed them most. I know I am being a baby. I really do know that… infantile and needy and dependent delicate… but I just can’t help it. I feel what I feel… even though I really hate feeling this way.
Ahhh… time. After listening to these songs, not much else needs to be said.
I do not want to waste my time, or others to waste my time, on things that aren’t really true. I have trust issues. And worth issues. And all sorts of other issues that bring these feelings up often.
But then there are days I feel like nothing can stop. Fuck the world and halfass anything, life is too damn short:
“Time is on my bad side. Halfway there just wouldn’t be fair so I’m going all the way tonight”
This song is for my Cailin. Though she is far away, I sing it to her all the time. The following especially speaks to me:
Well I don’t think
How she changed all my plans
The things that I thought would last
Well, they’re fading, they’re fading
The feelings ,I used to have
Well, they’re changing, they’re changing
She has really flipped my world upside down in the best possible way. I miss her with all of my being and am always so thankful that she is in my life, that God brought us together. Because if I know one thing… this was certainly no accident.
Looks like this is a short list. I’m hungry, Sir is home with sushi and I need some loving. I’m feeling rather lost tonight and my compass, my anchor, my tree is finally here.