thinking [lists, songs, issues] thursday

I’ve been writing a lot. My drafts folder on here is filled with various things… good and bad, sexy and bland. My notebooks have many half-finished posts, tear-laden rants and questions galore. Nothing I feel like publishing just yet… nothing particularly uplifting or insightful. However, I am in a writing mood – a funky, not-so-good mood. And because I’m ALWAYS in a singing mood, and a list making mood, I’m going to, once again, go with what I know. And while I am going with what I know, I’m going to beat a dead horse or two. If you don’t like redundancy, or music, or bad words… you may want to leave now. 
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Okay… let’s see where this goes:

1.

Today, I am two weeks post-op. I am much better than I have been but nowhere near where I want to be. I’m still lopsided and swollen. My boobs ache, my nipples are constantly hard (to the point where it’s painful), and my incisions are stingy and stabby. I know those I love, that love me, haven’t run away, but it feels that way a lot. Some roads you just have to walk alone. My Cailin is sort of walking down the same road with me… though hers is gravel, while mine is paved… and she, rightfully, has to focus on her own travels. Sir is fantastic, but he just doesn’t know (he doesn’t have this equipment)!

2.

This song is currently my jam! You can find me rocking out… bass thumping… driving around in my car. I put it here though because of the line “and I’m gonna show ya what’s really crazy”. These past weeks I feel so damn crazy. Everything has shifted and changed. Things I could depend on, that really made my days much brighter have kind of fallen by the wayside. Oh, I knew it would come eventually. I did. I expected it. I just didn’t expect it all at once, during at time I needed them most. I know I am being a baby. I really do know that… infantile and needy and dependent delicate… but I just can’t help it. I feel what I feel… even though I really hate feeling this way.
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3.

Ahhh… time. After listening to these songs, not much else needs to be said.
I do not want to waste my time, or others to waste my time, on things that aren’t really true. I have trust issues. And worth issues. And all sorts of other issues that bring these feelings up often.
But then there are days I feel like nothing can stop. Fuck the world and halfass anything, life is too damn short:
“Time is on my bad side. Halfway there just wouldn’t be fair so I’m going all the way tonight”
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4.

This song is for my Cailin. Though she is far away, I sing it to her all the time. The following especially speaks to me:

Well I don’t think
She knows
How she changed all my plans

The things that I thought would last
Well, they’re fading, they’re fading
The feelings ,I used to have
Well, they’re changing, they’re changing

She has really flipped my world upside down in the best possible way. I miss her with all of my being and am always so thankful that she is in my life, that God brought us together. Because if I know one thing… this was certainly no accident.

Well…

Looks like this is a short list. I’m hungry, Sir is home with sushi and I need some loving. I’m feeling rather lost tonight and my compass, my anchor, my tree is finally here.

Happy Thursday!
~shygirl

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thinking [things unsaid] Thursday

Hey!  Today is Thursday!  I’ve missed my weekly ponderings some bit. I’ve been thinking and pondering, but I haven’t felt like writing.  As I sit here tonight, lonely, on my bed (hiding from the children) I am thinking about my life, my feelings, my best friend, my dreams, my goals… and my Sir.

I’ve given Sir a hard time lately.  Not intentionally… there have just been quite a few emotions getting the better of me.  Tears fall with predictable frequency, which, quite frankly, irritates me to no end.  When you add that irritation to the sad to the crazy-happy, well, it’s just a lot to process.

I’m not always very good with the communication (yes, still!) so I recently sent my Sir a rambling email in an attempt to work out a particular issue we (just my issue, actually) were having.  I tried a different approach and ASKED if I could send an email.  I got the go-ahead and the words poured out.  My brain ran away and my fingers just typed, not bothering to pause or contemplate the cohesiveness of my words.  I didn’t proofread it.  Once it was finished, I decided it would just stand as written because it was unfiltered honesty, a real glimpse into the jumbled depths of my mind and fears.  I sent the email, never expecting much of reply because I wasn’t sure I even made sense, much less wrote anything worthy of acknowledgement.

I received a reply within a couple of hours… and not just a few words.  Sir sent me a long reply and said all the things I didn’t even know I needed to hear. You know me, I plan on keeping all the goodness close to the vest… I am selfish like that.  But I’ll tell you some of what he didn’t say.

He didn’t say I am a mess.
He didn’t say I am broken.
He didn’t say I am too much work.
He didn’t say I want for too much.
He didn’t say I am crazy.
He didn’t say I am not good enough.
He didn’t say I am a bad submissive/wife.
He didn’t say I should keep things to myself.
He didn’t say I should feel differently.
He didn’t say I should change (much).
He didn’t say I should be someone else.
He didn’t say I should give up.

While the words are lovely to hear, to read…I really do hold them dear to my heart (and save them in a special folder)… sometimes it’s the things that aren’t said that speak the loudest.

thinking [ Sir ] Thursday

There are days that I am overcome with emotion.  The days where Sir cannot get home fast enough.  The days where I am lost by myself, or maybe in myself.  When those days arrive, I am all but powerless to them.  Today is one of those days. So, though this is not a typical Thursday post, it is what I’m thinking about – My Sir, and all that he is and does for me.
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He grounds me, yet helps me fly.

He pushes me, yet holds me close.

He guides me, yet lets me wander.

He undoes me, yet keeps me together.

He overwhelms me, yet calms my soul.

He takes my breath away, yet gives me air.

He owns me, yet sets me free.

My Husband, My Love, My Sir…

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Happy Thursday!  ~shygirl