thinking [human] thursday

Sir sends me tasks to complete daily. Not chores, usually, but things intended to remind me of my submission – like postures to practice, things to write, photos to take, things to insert – and sometimes i don’t receive them with an overly submissive heart. You read that right! On occasion, I open the app and read the tasks and feel some sort of way about them – angry, irritated, forgotten, unheard, resentful – anything but the submissive thankfulness I should be feeling.

God, it’s shameful to put that into words, to make it so concrete here in black and white for the world to see. Though you may not judge me, i sure as hell do and I think that is an awful way to react to directives from my Dom. Today, i am not going to dwell on my Olympic level judging abilities. No, today I want to try a concept I find hard to grasp – Grace.

Back to it: Tasks. Submissive heart. Feelings. Yeah… A few days ago, Sir tasked me to begin working on a new blog post. He has never regulated this space in any way, but He knows i have not written in a while because -reasons- and He wanted to help me get back into it, it’s good for me,  or something like that.

I had ideas – a sexy balcony escapade retelling, shame/love, meeting where we are – but ultimately i railed against the task with an ugly heart and this morning i told Him why.
“I have nothing to say”
“I feel like a fraud”
“It makes me sad”
“Everything is different”
“I am embarrassed”

Ouch, right?? But how on earth can i write something when everything is different, when not everything has been smooth sailing – without looking like a liar? Because I’ll tell you, sometimes i FEEL like a liar, and i hate liars so… do that math.

As usual, Sir hit me with some dreaded logic (ugh) and some kind, wise words that i really did not want to hear. Just take my very valid excuses and let me be! By now you know that He wasn’t having it. And since the only way through something, is actually THROUGH it, maybe i won’t feel so alone if i drag y’all with me.

The past few years have been full of struggle for our dynamic.

*breathing*

Our 20 year marriage hasn’t been in jeopardy. There has been no infidelity, no major fights, no major anything. We are still 24/7 D/s… that hasn’t really wavered, either. So what the hell has been the struggle?? The way our D/s looks, the way it works, the way it feels… has morphed in a lot of ways and it has been a fucking struggle. He is my Dom 100%, I am His sub 100% but sometimes – okay, a lot of times- we just haven’t been on the same 24/7 D/s page. If you ask me, at times we weren’t even in the same book. And it has been heartbreaking for me. So we have struggled being on the same page because we both had ideas how to pick up from circumstances that sort of derailed us back then. I’ve been trying to just GET BACK to there and he’s been trying to MOVE ON from here. And neither one of us could ever work fast enough for the other before sometime turned their page again. Over and over. And endless cycle of ramping up but never getting into gear.

I put a self-imposed gag order for my blog so i didn’t have an outlet. I have no friends to speak of, no one to bounce things off so I have been bottling and exploding (toxic, i know). Please don’t think I’ve had years of misery, because that certainly is not the case. Sir and I always have fun, D/s is our normal – there have just been intermittent struggles. Maybe I’ll elaborate on those in the future or maybe I’ll let them lie, but for now i just wanted to start the process of true growth.

The takeaway today is this:

Though i do not always do things with a submissive heart, I AM submissive to my core. My shortcomings do not make me any less. I will never be perfect, but i will always try to be a better human.

Though Sir and I may have struggled pretty hard, we are still very much in love and practice 24/7 D/s. We will never be anyone’s version of perfect, but we will always strive to be better versions of ourselves for each other.

The way things appear to the outside world are not our concern. We do what works, we work through what doesn’t. We love, We play, we are still figuring things out as we go.

And this HAS to be okay to talk about, because maybe you are human, too.

~shygirl

 

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fridays are for singing

This song has been on repeat for a few days now. It’s off an older album, but I love it so (and it is great vocal exercise!). The lyrics make me think about different things at different times… Sir, myself, the world, situations I find myself in. Below you will find the video, and lyrics pulled and discussed. As everyone knows by now, music helps me work through my feelings and put them into words. At the very least, maybe you’ll enjoy the song!

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You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between
What I thought and what I said
You are the night time fear
You are the morning when it’s clear
When it’s over you’re the start
You’re my head, you’re my heart

This is Sir. All-encompassing. It sounds so insignificant and trite to say He is my everything – my favorite person, my best friend – but it is just truth. He is always the start of everything new and good. I can depend on Him for laughs, strength, solace, love, protection, dedication, devotion, wisdom… this list could be neverending, but you get the picture. He is always in my head and my heart. He has helped to shape who I am today, and when I forget exactly who that is, He reminds me with a gentle spirit and, sometimes, a heavy hand. I am forever grateful for these nearly 20 years of being with Him and especially for the last four of Him being my Sir.

 

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can’t choose what stays and what fades away

This reminds me of myself, and not just because I have blue eyes. 😉 Have you ever looked into the mirror and seen no light, no hope, no life in your eyes? It’s not a pleasant feeling, but it can be such an awakening. To have a sudden, real knowledge that you cannot choose. To understand that some things either are or are not, and to know the only thing that can be done is to make peace. Make peace with yourself and your situation. Work on the things that matter and let the rest go. This is hard for me, so very hard, and I struggle with it constantly. Acceptance. Letting go. I think I’ve gotten better and I will continue to actively overcome. (Don’t fret! My eyes have light these days)
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And I’d do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
No light
Tell me what you want me to say
This… oh this… the clinging onto anything… the desperation of wanting to do the magic thing… the pleading, the begging… please, tell me what to say. That doesn’t ever work thought, does it?! No. It doesn’t. We can only be who we are. We can only feel what we feel. We can only say the things that we believe to be true. Bittersweet, sometimes, but honest. If we are not honest with ourselves, this is the cycle we will forever hold on to.
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You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But it’s a conversation,
I just can’t have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You want a revelation
This. Is. Everything. When I am this, when I am wanting some sort of eye-opening revelation, frantically seeking an answer… I get obsessed and I just cannot stop. Hell, I can barely breathe because I need things worked out, NOW! I want to talk and talk until it is settled. How the unsettled twists my soul! And when I am on the other side of this? When I literally just cannot do it, I feel the “it’s a conversation I just can,t have tonight” line in my blood and my bones! I just want to sleep! I want to block it out, I want to hide away, I want to ignore and save it for another day. That response from me is cause for consequences from Sir, so I try to curtail it at all costs.
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Would you leave me,
If I told you what I’ve done?
And would you need me,
If I told you what I’ve become?
There have been times, there are still times, when I just don’t think I deserve much good in my life. The fact is, I have soooooo much good in my life, so feeling like it is undeserved makes me feel like a fraud, a liar, an ugly human and like I need to hide. I worry that if I were ever found out, if my thoughts were ever known, would anything be the same? (This is not something I am feeling right now in great abundance, but old habits are hard to break)
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‘Cause it’s so easy,
To say it to a crowd
But it’s so hard, my love,
To say it to you out loud
This doesn’t need a lot of explanation. This hits hard and so true for me. Sometimes, doing things on a broad scale is a million times easier than that one-on-one stuff! I mean, hello! Welcome to my blog! I’m obviously not aiming for glory here! HA!
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Okay, that’s it! I know none of what I relate to is necessarily what this song is about, but it has a special place in my heart and ears so I thought I’d share. Happiest Friday!!!
~shygirl