final terms [of endearment]

A little bit ago, an article about the psychology of nicknames (pet names, terms of endearment, etc) popped up in my feed, and of course I read it! I love pet names! Sir has an arsenal of names that He calls me and each makes me feel any number of things, but it all boils down to love.

Then, the other day, I was cleaning out my dresser and read some letters and cards from someone pretty important to me… And noticed the total lack of use of any pet names over the last eight months. It had struck me as odd on my birthday earlier this summer, but I tried not to read too much into and promptly blocked it out. But standing there, rereading months of words? Everything felt a little off.

I went in search of that article I had read, and then many others. Basically, the science says… Pet names are good. And the stoppage of using them, is a bad thing… A growing apart, a separation.

Fuck.

I guess… I am a little relieved… I mean, science and all… for once it’s not only in my head; it’s not just my stupid sensitive feelings. 

Also, I am a little embarrassed… I only stopped using the pet name a few days ago (after this revelation)… and oh god, there was that gift I gave. *hides face in the lopsided shame*

I suppose I already knew this happened, this separation… This sort of “out of sight, out of mind” vibe wafting across the miles. There have been plenty of clues – dwindling conversations and happy habits long abandoned – but a [sappy, hopeful, delusional] part of me thought we’d gotten past the bumps. Maybe this is yet another bump, who am I to say?

I’m not burning bridges or giving up, just living in the truth of the situation. I’m going to take it day by day, interaction by less-frequent-interaction. I will not give more than I get. Perhaps that will be the downfall, or I suppose things could pick back up. All I know is: I just can’t carry it like I used to.

Time will tell.

This isn’t a sad post, as much as it’s an “as-is” post. Terms of endearment are such a good thing and it’s concerning when they die out.

I am incredibly thankful to be Sir’s little light, kitten, slut, Su-B, shygirl, and on and on… I will simply bask in that warmth and hope not to hear my real name (y’all, that usually means trouble!).

Happy Monday, all you sweetcheeks of blogland!! (see what I did there?) 😀

~shygirl


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… in summary

Today, I’ve started six posts on this app, and another four in a notebook. In case you’re as tired as I am, that equals TEN posts. Nothing is fully fleshed because my mind is spinning, so much to say, but unable to focus on any one thing. I need to get it out, but wonder if this is the place. 

I’m not even sure what this blog has become. I started it as a place to find camaraderie as Sir and I delved into the depths of 24/7 D/s; a journal of sorts, especially when I needed to work through the bumps in the road. It seemed an effective form of therapy when life threw too much at me. 

I’ve shared bits and pieces, silly fluff that made me smile, but I have also bared my entire soul.

I’ve detailed my flaws and my fears, but still tried to chronicle a whole lot of love and so many blessings. 

I’ve written in-depth about submission and what that means to me.

I’ve mentioned my family, and cried about the heart breaking trials that motherhood brings.

At times, this blog was my only friend aside from Sir.

I’ve posted detailed, intimate sex stories and revealing photos of myself.

I have made many a list and shared music that is dear to my heart.

I’ve broken down, gone overboard, fallen apart, and put myself back together.

I have deleted entries and made others private.

I’ve started sharing poetry, after decades of keeping it all to myself.

Ive taken so many breaks, extended leaves of absence.

…it all seems so disjointed, unthematic, a barely controlled chaos. A heated mess. Yet, there are people that continue to follow me and interact in the kindest of ways. There are plenty more that have jumped ship – I wonder about them from time to time.

So now, three years in the making, what exactly is this blog of mine about? Submission? Yes! Love? Yes. Sex, lists, words? Yes. My whole life? Yes, that too. Mostly though, I’d have to say this blog is about truth. My truth. Every single post is honest, real, ME – good, bad, and most definitely the ugly. 

I saw a prompt that asked “Where are you most you?” That is the easiest answer, I am most me when I am with Sir. There is no pretending or hiding with Him, not anymore. Aside from Him, though, I am most me on this blog. It may not always be concise (okay, never!), organized, or presented well, but this is me. 

Thanks for sticking around. Thanks for reading. You know me better then most.

Happy Monday!
~shygirl

thinking [said I am] Thursday

I am a lot of things.
I have a lot of bad qualities.
I am impatient, insecure.
I am a worrier and maybe a bit pessimistic.
I am stubborn.
I can’t name all the bad qualities – I just don’t have the time.

I have a few good qualities.
I am funny.
I am loyal.
I love fiercely.
I am honest.

There is one quality that I really despise in a human.
I hate it.
This quality – I have always taken pride in not having.
Going so far as to say, ‘I may be all those things, but at least I’m not that one.’
Until now.

So I wonder:
If you don’t feel you are something, but someone says you are…
Does it make it so?
Does their perception of you mean that you are the thing you so detest?
If people see you in a certain light, even if you think they are wrong, isn’t it a failure on your part?

image

So maybe I am this thing I hate.
I try not to be a hypocrite, so if I am what they say I am…
I guess I hate myself, too.

Not all truths are good.
Not all honesty is freeing.
Sometimes…

Silence is golden.

image

Happy Thursday…
~shygirl