I’ve been running something through my mind since about 3:30 this morning and I’m going to try to work through it here – it is Thursday, after all. I’m thinking in swirls and circles so I’ll just jump right in:
My Sir gives me a list of tasks – not daily, but more often than not. I love it for many reasons: I know He is thinking of me, I tend to start a lot of things but not finish, lists are just fun, I feel accomplished when I comply with His wishes. So, I try my best to complete everything and succeed most of the time – even when my days are chock full of other things on my internal list. I work so hard to do what He asks because my ultimate goal is to make Him happy, and if I’m being completely honest, I ache for His praise. Sir will usually ask if I’ve done what He’s instructed or He will just make a point to check up on things. Other times, He will say nothing and I will make sure to mention my awesome direction-following skills. As much as I love His lists as a way to nurture and demonstrate my submission throughout my days, I also really like the acknowledgment from Him for a job well done. And those ‘Good Girl’s? They make my heart burst with pride and love because that little phrase somehow solidifies my place in this relationship and validates my submission. But here’s the thing (oh, you knew there was a thing!):
My ‘Good Girl’s are few and very far between. They are, in fact, so scarce that when those two words leave His lips, I am stunned – almost paralyzed – and totally taken out of whatever situation we are in because I just want to tumble them around in my brain and soul for a while. We’ve talked briefly about the whys of this, and though I don’t really understand, I know it is not my place to say anything else (except now, of course He will read this). Instead, I’ve tried to convince myself that perhaps He isn’t comfortable saying this often, or saves it for special occasions, or just tries to switch it up and keep me on my toes. It could be a combination of all of those things, it could be none of those things. Part of me knows it really is none of my business since He will say what He likes, when He likes to say it. The other part of me (hello there, crazy Gemini) ends up feeling unworthy of a ‘Good Girl’. I know that I can be difficult, clam up, and run away. I know that my mouth can be much too loud. I am fairly certain I rarely deserve ‘good girl’, of course I don’t get to hear it! Since we started all of this, we are very open and honest so I know He wouldn’t lie and say ‘Good Girl’ just to appease me. I need to try harder, be better.
All of that should make me appreciate the elusive ‘Good Girl’ even more, shouldn’t it? My mind knows that, but my newly open and exposed heart hasn’t gotten the memo. In fact, my mind knows it is a bit silly to put so much weight on two words to begin with, two words that have probably been over used and sensationalized. I feel stupid even wanting to hear them at all. But this heart of mine wonders why in the world I cannot just be good enough to earn them. I want to be good, I want to be His Good Girl all the time, I want so much to hear those words. What’s a girl to do?
Before you start thinking that this is on my Sir, or my Sir is being unfair, or some other such nonsense, let me assure you that is absolutely NOT the case. He, almost constantly, offers me all sorts of praise and is forever complimenting me. The amount of love and affection He shows me is more than I could ever possibly deserve or repay. I am very grateful to have such a kind, loving, supportive Husband/Dominant. Really. I am not exaggerating for the sake of argument – I mean this from the depths of my soul.
Obviously, the solution is for me to simply get better. I will work on myself until I am the best submissive I can be, for Him. Meanwhile, I will
try to be content with His praise, no matter the words – He is the boss for goodness sake! But there’s just something about a ‘Good Girl’ that feeds my submissiveness like no other words can…
I’m tired of always trying.
No, I’m not giving up on anything. In fact, just the opposite.
I simply need to do.
Why should I try so hard to be submissive? I already know I am submissive…even when I fight it… so I should stop trying and start being. (I’m pretty sure Mynx gets the credit for this!)
Why should I hope for Sir to realize something? It has been proven, time and time again, that He apparently cannot intuitively know what I’m thinking or wanting (dammit!)… so I should stop hoping and start talking.
*that comes off a tad bitchy doesn’t it? I don’t mean it that way. My Husband knows me well and there are plenty of times He knows exactly what I need and want. I’m just very good at covering those things up…He says it is my way to maintain control. I say…not all the time..but…well, He is probably right.
Why should I continue to wish for things to happen or get done? I’m very capable and I need to stop wishing, and just get it done or let it go.
So, I am done trying. It is wearing me out, physically and mentally. From here on out, there is only do. (please feel free to remind me of this the next time I hit the bottom)
***And since I hate that my last post was such a downer, I’d like to mention that Sir and I got everything worked out (at a snail’s pace, but still!) and we are good. Very good. More on that Thursday. 🙂