days like this…

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Dammit all to hell, but this is how I’m feeling today. I feel stuck, and a little lost, and a lot less than hopeful.

I spend so much energy trying to be positive, trying to put good Karma out there.

I wish. I hope. I pray. I bargain. I plead. I stew. I plot. I think. I dream. I want. I need. I beg. I cry. I pout. I scream. I get angry. I get determined. I get sad.

Everything I do, everything I try, seems to fall on the universe’s deaf ears.

In these 37 years of mine, I really haven’t asked the world for a lot. I always try to be thankful for everything I have. I am not a selfish girl, I try to be kind, I try to do good. I may fuss a bit, but I really try to make the best of the cards I’m dealt.

I HATE asking for anything and I know the world owes me nothing, but I need a favor now. I really need for the stars to align, for ‘the plan’ to be revealed. Because, quite frankly, I cannot take a lifetime of this – Physically, mentally, emotionally – cannot take it.

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I am trying to be patient and hopeful, but today, I feel like it is a waste of time. Today, I feel like I have no power.
Today, I feel like I’m swinging at air.
Today, I feel like I’m standing all alone. Today, I feel like it is just a pipe dream. Today, I feel like the ones in charge just won’t or can’t.
Today, I feel fresh out of fight.
Today, I am tired and sad.

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I don’t much like the me today, so I will try to suck it up. I will try to find the strength to overcome the can’t and the won’t. I will try to find the wherewithal to stand against this status quo and do something. I will try to climb this mountain all by myself, so that I may convince the rest it is worth it.

Because, dammit, this is worth it… worth every ounce of strength that I have (and some I’ve yet to discover).

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Edited to add: I’m pulling myself up and stumbled upon this. Yes.
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~shygirl

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