just a little fussin’ about sleep

I’m not built for nights like these. Some folks can weather much more, I know. They can endure multiple nights, weeks, months, years apart… but not me. (Remember yesterday? we ought not compare.) This shit isn’t in my wheelhouse.


The kids went back to school today. A bit of drama in the academic world of my offspring. Juggled and mostly handled. Papers filled out, supply Iists made. Mom to the rescue!


I have a giant list of my own to tackle…nothing difficult or out of the ordinary, but a long list of little things to get done before my girlfriend gets here tomorrow. You heard me! My girlfriend, my bestest friend, is coming to see me for just under a week!


I’m so very excited…But this day has really put a damper on my happy, which adds a whole other level of sad to this jacked up night.


Sir is working. I’m tired, I cannot sleep, and I must start the day in four hours! I’m lying here…awake…with a pounding head and leaky eyes (and a kitten sprawled across my face and boobs). I need my hair to be played with, my back to be tickled, my mind to be soothed. I need a hug, dammit!


Until my Sir arrives home safely, I cannot function or rest. Without sleep, tomorrow isn’t looking good on the functioning front, either. Balls.


Happy new school year! Looks like we like to start on a down note… Perhaps things will look up from here.



Thinking [fear] Thursday

Fear and I go way back.

In my head, fear and worry are nearly indistinguishable.  I’ve always been a worrier.  Even as a very young child, I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I truly believed that the moment I stopped thinking and worrying about a particular thing, that horrible thing would soon happen.  (Oh wait, a few times it did!) So… as long as I was still worrying and thinking, everything would be okay.  As I grew up I started to recognize that is a silly concept, but that bizarre line of thinking still holds me captive.  In fact, it wasn’t until fairly recently that I realized maybe this is a tad self-destructive.

I have no time to delve into the great unknown of my inner-workings, but I would like to attempt to relate this to my submission and my D/s relationship.  Sometimes I feel like I’m not very good at being a submissive.  That is a weird thing to say because I know in my heart I AM submissive, so how could I not be good at something I simply AM?! I could go on for days about the reasons, but ultimately, I think what it boils down to is… FEAR.

When I am afraid, I become, to my way of thinking, overly needy and emotional…and that makes me rather angry.  I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want Sir to grow weary of my constant need for reassurance and attention, I don’t want Sir to scrap this dynamic, I don’t want Sir to leave, etc., etc.  I become so fearful and worried that I get angry – I cry, I fight my submissiveness tooth and nail, I try to hide, I act out.  I’ve written about this many times.  Until today, when I read this post, it never really clicked that the root cause is fear.  AHA!

Wouldn’t you know, I am still waiting for the bottom to fall out.  As long as I keep worrying, everything will be okay.  RIGHT?!  *rolls eyes* Maybe you can understand that, but if you can’t, please imagine for a moment what it feels like.  There is no rest, there is no calm, there is really no peace… because that guard cannot be let down, EVER. (These days, I do have quite a bit of calm and peace (so no need to worry!!), but there was a time I had none and didn’t tell a soul.)  It is a stupid, wasteful way to live a life.  I see that.  My Husband most definitely sees that. He is the one that calms me and takes away the worry – even if just moments at a time.  I like to think I’ve gotten much better and I will continue to work on just BEING.

So today, as I’m thinking about fear, I am also extremely thankful to my Husband/Sir because He pushes me to get past things and to be a better submissive…wife…person. With Him, there is no need for fear (except the yummy kind!) and I will do my best to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

I’ll end this on a random high note… I’m in a great mood and have a few very lovely bruises on my inner thighs from last night.  Maybe I’ll tell you about it later.  😉 Happy Thursday!!

For more cohesive reading on worrying/fear/anxiety, this article is pretty interesting.