just a little fussin’ about sleep

I’m not built for nights like these. Some folks can weather much more, I know. They can endure multiple nights, weeks, months, years apart… but not me. (Remember yesterday? we ought not compare.) This shit isn’t in my wheelhouse.

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The kids went back to school today. A bit of drama in the academic world of my offspring. Juggled and mostly handled. Papers filled out, supply Iists made. Mom to the rescue!

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I have a giant list of my own to tackle…nothing difficult or out of the ordinary, but a long list of little things to get done before my girlfriend gets here tomorrow. You heard me! My girlfriend, my bestest friend, is coming to see me for just under a week!

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I’m so very excited…But this day has really put a damper on my happy, which adds a whole other level of sad to this jacked up night.

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Sir is working. I’m tired, I cannot sleep, and I must start the day in four hours! I’m lying here…awake…with a pounding head and leaky eyes (and a kitten sprawled across my face and boobs). I need my hair to be played with, my back to be tickled, my mind to be soothed. I need a hug, dammit!

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Until my Sir arrives home safely, I cannot function or rest. Without sleep, tomorrow isn’t looking good on the functioning front, either. Balls.

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Happy new school year! Looks like we like to start on a down note… Perhaps things will look up from here.

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~shygirl

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Thinking [fear] Thursday

Fear and I go way back.

In my head, fear and worry are nearly indistinguishable.  I’ve always been a worrier.  Even as a very young child, I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I truly believed that the moment I stopped thinking and worrying about a particular thing, that horrible thing would soon happen.  (Oh wait, a few times it did!) So… as long as I was still worrying and thinking, everything would be okay.  As I grew up I started to recognize that is a silly concept, but that bizarre line of thinking still holds me captive.  In fact, it wasn’t until fairly recently that I realized maybe this is a tad self-destructive.

I have no time to delve into the great unknown of my inner-workings, but I would like to attempt to relate this to my submission and my D/s relationship.  Sometimes I feel like I’m not very good at being a submissive.  That is a weird thing to say because I know in my heart I AM submissive, so how could I not be good at something I simply AM?! I could go on for days about the reasons, but ultimately, I think what it boils down to is… FEAR.

When I am afraid, I become, to my way of thinking, overly needy and emotional…and that makes me rather angry.  I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want Sir to grow weary of my constant need for reassurance and attention, I don’t want Sir to scrap this dynamic, I don’t want Sir to leave, etc., etc.  I become so fearful and worried that I get angry – I cry, I fight my submissiveness tooth and nail, I try to hide, I act out.  I’ve written about this many times.  Until today, when I read this post, it never really clicked that the root cause is fear.  AHA!

Wouldn’t you know, I am still waiting for the bottom to fall out.  As long as I keep worrying, everything will be okay.  RIGHT?!  *rolls eyes* Maybe you can understand that, but if you can’t, please imagine for a moment what it feels like.  There is no rest, there is no calm, there is really no peace… because that guard cannot be let down, EVER. (These days, I do have quite a bit of calm and peace (so no need to worry!!), but there was a time I had none and didn’t tell a soul.)  It is a stupid, wasteful way to live a life.  I see that.  My Husband most definitely sees that. He is the one that calms me and takes away the worry – even if just moments at a time.  I like to think I’ve gotten much better and I will continue to work on just BEING.

So today, as I’m thinking about fear, I am also extremely thankful to my Husband/Sir because He pushes me to get past things and to be a better submissive…wife…person. With Him, there is no need for fear (except the yummy kind!) and I will do my best to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

I’ll end this on a random high note… I’m in a great mood and have a few very lovely bruises on my inner thighs from last night.  Maybe I’ll tell you about it later.  😉 Happy Thursday!!

For more cohesive reading on worrying/fear/anxiety, this article is pretty interesting.