The answer to everything. Push aside and fuck away all the problems, all the feelings, all the doubt. Fuck it away until you cannot even think. I’m talking actual fucking, here.
It works. For the moment. Maybe it erases everything for an hour or two. If you’re lucky, whatever was giving you strife is forgotten for days, perhaps weeks.
But it isn’t gone forever. Even the best, hardest, mind-numbing-est fucking doesn’t delete those feelings forever.
The feelings come back. Sometimes they come back in a ball of flames, pissed off and ready to rumble. Other times, they come back in bits and pieces, snippets of a shitty movie you continually piece together. The worst, though, is when they sneak up and simultaneously infiltrate every single part of your brain, leaving you no time to adjust.
Whenever those thoughts and feelings show back up, they’re a little different than the ones you had in the moment. It’s a little calmer, maybe, but often a lot sadder. You probably feel defeated and decide to embrace them. Yes, you hug those ugly feelings tight because you think you should spend some time with them. Get to know them. Wallow in them. Commiserate with them.
And then, you become them. You can’t separate yourself from the feelings because you are those fucking feelings.
You are now only a walking, talking, girl-shaped, mass of hurt and feelings.
It’s not pretty and it’s not fun.
You try to talk it out. You try to write it out. You try to block it out. You try to shake it out. You try all the things! You really do try. But all your efforts are in vain.
Oh but, you are strong! Everyone says so! Be strong and brave and rise above that shit. Although you aren’t so sure about these things, you sure as hell can deal with it, these feelings that have taken over. You can function and carry on, of course, you’ve been doing it your entire life. It sucks, and god! it is exhausting, but it isn’t even the worst part.
The worst part is… You are alone with it. I’ve already written a post about letting go and moving on, so no need to get all into that right now.
Guess what? Some people are elephants, with memories that don’t fade. For those people, ignoring isn’t the answer. Yet, sometimes that’s all that can be done.
So where does that leave you? When your only option is to ignore or block? Seriously! Someone figure it out… Where are you now??
Well… I suppose… you just are where you are. You should probably shift into autopilot and try your best to go blind. Between all the fucking, of course. Close your eyes and just fuck it all away.
[This post was written a while back, in the middle of a few tough months (nothing to do with Sir or D/s), and it’s been sitting in draft, hiding. It’s not good or uplifting, but I need to get it out and off my mind]
~shygirl
serenity through submission 