Following up

(This photo has nothing to do with anything, but I love it so!)

Sometimes I read blogs and feel pretty invested in the subject matter…only to never hear of a resolution or a follow up. I try to go back to the original post to read through every comment, hoping for some sort of closure, but I feel like a stalker doing that! This is the nature of blogland, but it goes against my nature…even with my own blog. Maybe I stand alone in this, but maybe not. Either way, it’s update time!

My sweet pet is still missed daily. I’ve dried the tears for the most part, but I’ll find a toy or see a commercial (eyeroll) and cry a bit. I was so touched and lifted up by all the kind, heartfelt comments on the original post. I cannot accurately express my gratitude with words, but THANK YOU will have to suffice.

I have been needy all week. I spoke to my Husband a little bit about it Monday, but as He was falling asleep…not the best time. I’m a chicken.

The next day, I just wanted something to do for Him. Anything. He was working, I sent Him a text asking if He needed anything done or purchased. “nah, I’m good, but thanks” was the response.
I’m pretty sure I responded wih “ugh. Ok. :/”  Clearly, I’m in a funk.
So, later yesterday, I sent Him the needy post…copied & pasted into an email. (No, He doesn’t read my blog. Yes, He knows of it.) I got zero response. Last night, I was feeling His Dominance in lots of ways.  All was well.

Cut to this morning, still no email response (strange!) and I was back to feeling out-of-sorts. I email Him again, this time just laying out how I feel when I get no response…like I’m spiraling downward. No response to that as of yet, but He did respond to the original email. Good grief! The response was positive, and yet-

I feel like I’m on the razor edge of something. I’m bleeding but don’t know which side I should land on, so I stay on top of the blade and it keeps cutting deeper. As I type this, I’m pretty sure that blade is my silence, my shyness, my insecurities. Crap.

And since I had a moment of strength and sent the second email, I know we will have to talk about this! So hard for me – I always feel so raw and exposed. That armor I had for years just isn’t around now and all this honesty makes me…nervous…scared…delicate…little…

This has been such a long week and it’s only Wednesday! I’m going to turn this around tonight, maybe after a drink or two. (positive thinking until He gets home!)

Feeling like this: Radiohead – Just

shygirl

On being needy…

I am a needy creature.

I need not only the basics – food, water, shelter – I need to submit.

I don’t simply want to submit or enjoy submitting, I need it.

The thing about it, though…sometimes I fight it and I need a little help. I need to feel His dominance to remember that submitting is okay and beautiful.

I don’t need constant rules and punishment and scenes, but I really do need structure and praise and consequence.

I need follow-through, always, even when life is busy. 

I need that look, that eyebrow, that firm hand on my neck.

I need love.

Now and again, I need assurances that He is happy with this, that He is getting as much from this as I am, because I worry.

I know I am needy and this I can be a lot of work, so I really need to know I am making Him happy.

He is good at letting me know all is well and happy. He is great at fulfilling my needs. We have come such a long way and I’ve never felt happier or more complete.

But…

This is on me – I do understand this is my head talking – just sometimes, I need a little more.

shygirl

Distraction

I’ve been sad this week and my sweet Husband has made it His mission to take my mind off of the ache in my heart.  If only He could stay home and distract me all day!

Methods of distraction…

The slapper crop. If you do not have one, I highly suggest you go order one now. Like, right now. Stop reading immediately and head over to Amazon.  This thing is really lovely. I was this close to having an orgasm from the crop alone. He had a great stinging (but not hurting) rhythm going…until He realized I was about to go over and gave me two hard whacks on the back of each thigh. Those hurt! No complaints here, but they brought back into the moment and out of my impending orgasm. Distraction method number one: spankings and sex…works every time.

Talking. Him sitting on the sofa, my head in His lap while he strokes my hair, my neck, my arm. For an hour, He asked me “have you ever…” questions. I’m sure this sounds ridiculous, or boring, but it wasn’t at all. His questions ranged from silly things like “have you ever eaten a bug?” to “have you ever liked being spanked?” to very tough things like “has a man ever hit you?”. Some questions I tried not to answer, but He wasn’t having it. We have been together for sixteen years, married almost 15, and sometimes it seems we’ve told all our stories. Well, we haven’t and it made my heart happy to laugh and feel embarrassed and divulge secrets. Distraction method number two: giggles, communication and probing…delightful!

Food and drink. I love food!! I enjoy tastes and textures and savoring something delicious. So much…it’s a wonder I’m thin! (not really, I exercise and do yoga and don’t eat crap!) But still. I love food and there is no food I love more than anything my Husband makes. So, He feeds me and makes me drinks and I forget about the sad for a bit. Distraction method three: keeping my mouth busy…oh, this certainly has a double meaning!

My minions distract me, too, of course…but this post isn’t about them. This is about my Husband, my Sir, and the fact that He is my rock and always takes care of me and knows just what I need. His love frees me. 

shygirl