remember… a lonely little whine

Remember when you were the youngest in your network of friends to have a baby? 

Remember how everyone stuck around for the first few months? 

Remember when you were the first to get married? 

Remember when your life split from everyone else’s so drastically? 

Remember how isolated you felt? 

No? Well, I do. 

Remember the struggles to be the young mom with the bright hair? Remember the looks and the whispered judgement? Remember finding one friend? Remember that deteriorating? Remember finding another friend? Remember that falling apart, too? Remember, accidentally, finding a friend? Remember that dwindling after seven years? 

Remember the things you had in common? The babies, the toddlers, the kiddos, and the long days at home? The silly struggles of boredom and laundry and errands? The coffee runs? 

Remember being alone again? Remember the moves? Remember the bullshit?

Remember the despondence you felt? Remember the feeling that no one would ever get you or understand? Remember leaning so hard on your Husband? Remember finding a final friend?

Remember?! I remember. 

I’m visiting there again. 

My kids are much older. I am newly 40. I started back to school in winter. I have a child with some depression/anxiety issues that we see a counselor for. I have another child in college full time, but always has job issues. I have another child, well, his shit will come. And everyone I ever knew just isn’t here in this place with me. Everyone has a different set of circumstances and I’m fucking alone. 

When your kids get to be of “a certain age”, the socially acceptable thing is for mothers to go back to work. And everyone I know, they have. But I have not (a two-day-a-week job with kids doesn’t much count), by choice. We decided long ago that it was MORE important for me to be here as the kids got older, not less. It’s not a common view. I’m comfortable with my position and Sir prefers I don’t work (I help Him with His business when I can), but let me tell you… Today I am feeling that isolation. 

Conversations about mental health drop off mid-thought… God forbid someone gets uncomfortable. My moaning about my chores seems a little selfish so I cut it out. Mentioning trips and stores and all the things, doesn’t seem fair, so I shut it. But it doesn’t leave a lot to talk about… 

There’s just no common ground. It has become clearer and clearer that everything is forever changed.

Mostly, I’m good in my own little world. Today, though, I’m dealing with some heavy shit and all the people are doing whatever they do. 

Our worlds don’t collide. They won’t anymore. 

Oh, but remember when they did?!

I do.

~shygirl

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…she falls flat…

This isn’t what she envisioned.
Nothing ever is.
Her mind writes the script
Of secrets never uttered.
Maybe a hint,
A subtle suggestion,
Flirting eyes here and there.
Trying and failing at every turn.
Eventually, she caves.
Veiled words fall from her mouth
Onto ears that will not hear,
Crashing instead on the ground.
Mocking. Teasing. Tortured.
Muted once again,
Embarrassed and ashamed,
Until her soul is safely tucked away.
Denied reciprocity –
Feelings, damn them,
Such an outdated currency.
Nothing more to discuss.
Resurrection, her foolish hope.
Knocked off the pedestal of the past,
Moving on, through new days,
Only skimming the surface,
Intentionally aloof.

~shygirl