Thinking [boob time] Thursday

It’s been a long time coming, only a week in the works… I got new boobs today!

I was determined that it’d be a simple, easy recovery from the get go. I may be shy, but I’m also pretty tough… with a high pain tolerance level.

No. Wrong. Looks like I’m a baby.

High hopes fell by the wayside almost immediately.I’m drugged up and in pain. I look like a Lego body under this big ol’ shirt (I don’t dare take a peek) and moving a pillow takes entirely too long. My chest has apparently been run over by a dump truck, and I think they put bricks in there instead of silicon.

Despite all that… I can’t wait to see my real boobs! Because as far as I’m concerned, my sad, deflated tits (thanks, kids!) were the fake ones.

I’m so very grateful to my Sir for making this happen for me and to my little bird for being by my side, despite this intolerable distance.

Happy Thursday, folks! It’s time for my ten minute nap.

~ shygirl 💕

Seventeen rebuild

Seventeen.

Seventeen is a long time.
Seventeen flew by.
Seventeen held everything.
Seventeen was exclusively ours.
Seventeen was faithful and loving.
Seventeen has been work and play.
Seventeen has been happy and sad.
Seventeen has been easy and difficult.
Seventeen brought change after change.
Seventeen is trust.
Seventeen is comfort.
Seventeen is safety.
Seventeen is home.

Seventeenth.

Seventeenth is redesign.
Seventeenth is more.
Seventeenth is different.
Seventeenth is shaking the core.
Seventeenth is more inclusive in it’s exclusivity.
Seventeenth grew love exponentially.
Seventeenth makes me panic.
Seventeenth is many questions.
Seventeenth is many more answers.
Seventeenth makes me wonder.
Seventeenth is very exposed.
Seventeenth is a beginning.
Seventeenth is faith, not history.
Seventeenth blurred erased the lines.
Seventeenth is scaring me to death, in an oddly good way.

***********************************************************************************************************************
At this particular moment, I’m in a bit of a panic… my mind leads me down some pretty destructive paths…I want to get a few of my thoughts together and let them free. Didn’t I tell you last week that even the good changes are rough?! Yeah, it seems I’m still on that today.

Sir and I have been together 17 years (and a half!), though he wasn’t always my Sir, we’ve always had a wonderful relationship. We have had such a good life – full of love and laughter, ups and downs, ins and outs. Through it all, we have never strayed, never contemplated leaving, never given up. We have become better people, together.
Big things have happened this year – I mean BIG, huge, wonderful (and frightening) things. I am certain they have served to help us grow and love with greater depth.

Let me be clear: I have ZERO regrets, but lately I have these moments where I seize up with fear. Now I know, in that tiny rational part of my brain, that I do this only because of my insecurities and jealousy and extreme [unfounded] fear that Sir will leave. I do my best to ignore that. I try to believe that little rational voice that says “Don’t be crazy, woman! Don’t listen to that nonsense! You are on the right path!” Some days it’s harder to shake than others.

It’s just that…
Seventeen years is a long time! It really is…a seventeen year mindset can be hard to break. We’ve built a very solid foundation and constructed a beautiful life upon it, that worked for so long. We did such a great job that I got pretty comfortable and felt so very safe. Then, with divine intervention (yep, I really think that ) a lovely hurricane came along that shook the foundation and tore much of the structure down. We had worked so hard and this hurricane was overwhelming and unexpected…and totally made us look at life and love a bit more…widely. That hurricane has truly been a blessing because, as it turns out, we were wanting to remodel! Who knew?! Lucky me. Lucky us. The foundation sustained no damage and we are ready to rebuild a bigger, better structure. All the materials are laid out but we only have the old blueprints. Those suckers just won’t work, not anymore. I need a new set of plans! I’m just standing here looking around, not knowing where to begin, and I’m feeling quite lost. Thankful and happy, but lost…it’s a weird place to be.

~shygirl

 

 

Thinking [rambling change] Thursday

I’m not good with change. Well, I like change… I like to grow and learn and that sort of thing, and I certainly HATE to be bored… but change is really hard. Even good change is hard. Big changes are quite difficult to wrap my mind around and small changes? Well… small changes are going to be the death of me, I think.

I’m not even slightly kidding… I am convinced I need to be on medication to cope with change of any magnitude. The tiniest change in my coveted daily routine throws me into a tailspin and my recovery skills are lacking, to put it mildly. It’s bad and it’s embarrassing.

Right now, I am in a spin of spins and cannot see a way back to solid ground. These past weeks have been filled with so many changes, of all varieties! As soon as I think I’ve processed one and really come to terms with it, another change hits me in the face and suddenly, ALL of the changes I’ve already dealt with come completely undone in my mind. So much so, that at this very moment, I’m unsure of EVERYTHING again. I have become just a breathing ball of unprocessed and confusing change. It’s pretty fun. <–not.

This doesn't make me a pleasant human to be around, I'm sure. I'm forever in my head just thinking, thinking, thinking and getting absolutely nowhere – except maybe deeper into my hole. I'm weepy and a little irritable and so needy and tentative and self-conscious – I know it is a lot for my Sir to take. I try to hold it in, but that is pretty futile these days because that isn't 'allowed' any longer. No matter how hard I am to be around, I can guarantee that it is much more difficult to actually live in this head of mine. Almost unbearable at times. You'll just have to trust me on that.

I am drowning in swarms of words and feelings circling in my noggin. My world has been completely turned upside down, which I had decided was a good thing, (uncertainty is knocking)…but even good change fucks me up (remember my first paragraph in this crazy, nonsensical post)!

With all my might, I am trying to get my head back on straight. My Sir is helping…making sure to keep close tabs and giving me tasks, even when I am in a whole other world at work…but I am afraid I'm falling faster than he can catch me. One step forward, two steps back – my days feel like I'm running on a treadmill, just not getting anywhere I want to go.

I LIVE for the nighttime, when kids are in bed and I can snuggle up to Sir. He plays with my hair, rubs my hands and lets me cry or laugh, or just fuss a little. And then he takes me to bed and spanks and fucks my head quiet – for just a little while I can stop thinking. If not for that, I don’t think I’d even be able to function.

For a while, it rests solely with Sir to lift me up and put me back together, like old times. My girlfriend is out of commission and I wouldn’t dare bother her with my trivial nonsense, but I do miss her like crazy. I miss her face, I miss her words, I miss her shoulder to cry on, I miss the silly, constant contact with her. And I’m a little mad at myself that I’ve become so attached and so dependent on her, but love is love, and done is done.

Oh reader, are you as confused as I am? Here’s where we are:

*I am dealing with an ungodly amount of change, and it’s damn near killing me.

*My Sir is awesome, but probably fed up (though he hasn’t made me feel as such).

*I am far too dependent on those I love.

*I miss my girlfriend so hard, which compounds every other issue.

Other than that, life is good. I’m a lucky girl and I really do know it. Sometimes, I just need to vent…a shygirl explosion is never good (well, except for the pants kind!).

I think I’ll try to get comfortable with this thing called flux.

Happy Thursday…night will be here soon!
~shygirl