been a year…

This post was meant to be published last week. Right as I was hitting the button, I got a not-so-good feeling, a nagging feeling. I had a little thought, that turned into a bigger thought, that turned into millions of thoughts, that turned into a bit of a crisis.
I sort of tried to worked through the crisis with the help of Sir, and Cailin, and yesterday’s post, though I wreaked some havoc along the way. Even now, five days later, I’m still not entirely settled. I still feel the way I feel. Sigh. I’m sure all of you aren’t surprised!
I don’t enjoy this way I’m feeling, in fact, I don’t like feeling much at all. So! Feelings be damned! Maybe the best way to deal with the issues I am having is just to laugh in spite of them and say fuck it, it means nothing anyway.
So that’s what I’m doing.
Fuck it.
Here is the original silly post, crisis-catalyst picture and all:

I got these boobs of mine a year ago!!
I’d post a before picture…but… no, no I wouldn’t. Nobody needs to see that!

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It has been a journey that I wasn’t quite expecting or prepared for. A test in strength and patience and endurance. A challenge to my high pain tolerance. An emotional roller coaster.

Most days, I still don’t think of these boobs as mine, but more like separate entities. Maybe that will go away, maybe it won’t. One day, maybe the random pains will completely disappear too. Perhaps the scars will fade even more. Who knows!?

What I do know is this…
I have no regrets. Not a single one.

I am thankful for my boobs, but even more thankful for Sir. The upgrade had been long time coming and He made it happen. He helped me more than I could ever express… Not just with the initial recovery, but with the extreme emotions, the continuing pain, the fear, the exercise trauma, on and on. His patience and understanding held me up when I wanted to fold. He is my tree, my charger. I am forever grateful and forever His, so I guess these boobs are His as well. 😉

Happy first Birthday to my/Sir’s boobs!
( * ) ( * )

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I did it!! That was the post, nothing special, but the beginning of a major crisis. Let the pieces fall where they may because I still feel the same.

Happy Tuesday.
Just keep swimming.
~shygirl

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fade to black… and back

Sometimes the answers are there all along, but you don’t pay attention.
Hints and glimpses, warning signs and yellow flags galore, but you push them away.
Gut feelings, you rationalize and talk your way around.

Until the day comes, when things can no longer be ignored.
You are slapped in the face with the hard hand of reality.
Your insecurities no longer to blame.

Surprised, bewildered, confused… those are the emotions you portray.
You fool yourself into thinking you were blindsided.
But under it all, you already knew, didn’t you?

You knew things were a little wonky.
You knew the scales weren’t balanced.
You knew something just didn’t make sense.
No need to lay blame.
You may or may not be at fault for the final fissure, but you knew.

And you know yourself.
You know that you attach meaning where there is none.
You know that you pretend words are universally the same.
You know that if you are in, you are ALL in.
You know that feelings get you hurt.

Just like you knew it was dangerous.
Just like you knew the fall might break you.
Just like you knew that nothing is equal, nothing fair.

You knew.
You denied.
But now you know for certain.
It cannot be unknown.
You cannot go back to the blissful ignorance.
The flags, the signs, the warnings that you kept at bay, they bombard you now.
They demand to be heeded.
They are insistent and plentiful.
And they all add up to fucked.

You see clearly now.
You feel stupid, blind, exposed.
You are vulnerable and lost.
You reassess and you try to reconcile the new with the old.

You stand up.
You shore up.
You try to find your way in a world that is [not so] suddenly upside down.

Everything is different.
But only for you.
Everything is only how it ever was.
That bears repeating…
Everything is only how it ever was.

The difference?
You are finally awake.
You blink and stretch as you adjust to the harsh light.
You grasp to hold on, but the dream fades to black.

…part two…

Have you forgotten?!
The best things are born in the blackness!
The blackness that devours the dreams becomes a clean slate.
Oh, yes, I know you don’t even believe in completely clean slates.
So then…You should think of the void as a spreading spill of ink, blotting out some of the words. It is for the better, there were far too many words anyway.
inkbook2

You grab a pencil and doodle.
You want to turn the inkblot into something beautiful…
Perhaps a flower, the silhouette of a faerie, a boat…

Yes! It’s a boat.
Your boat is not perfect, nothing is.
The edges bleed, the black ink seeping ever outward.
The boat becomes distorted, abstract.
That’s okay, because you know it’s a boat.
You also know it will survive, come hell or high water.

The dream may have faded to black, but now it’s a boat.
And the boat will carry you to a reality full of light.
Sooner than later.

Happy Monday.
~shygirl

thinking [games] thursday

I’ve been playing video games since I was a young child. I’m not much for labels, but I suppose if you needed to, you could call me a gamer.
On a night in March long, long ago, Sir watched me play a racecar game and I really think He was sold right then. 😉 Seriously, that was the beginning of us.

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Sir and I have been gaming together ever since. We’ve played all sorts of games, but our very favorite franchise is Halo. We love it so much, in fact, that when Halo 5 releases on October 27, we will be taking personal holidays!

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However, since the MCC was glitchy for months on end, Destiny has become a close second. In the game your character is guided by something called a ghost. See…

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After seeing a certain scene (which I cannot get uploaded, grr), Sir started referring to me as His little light. It is so dorky and full of love and perfect – hearing it makes me all giggly and warm.

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He tells me all the time now that I am His little light. He has me write “Sir’s little (or lil) light” various places on my body. It’s pretty difficult to write upside down, rushed, in a work bathroom. 😉
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When we must stay up late waiting for children to get home, we usually play games (before all the dirty games begin).
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I prefer PvP, of course, because I’m just a little competitive. Like this…
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I am starting to enjoy PvE a little more, even though it’s not quite as satisfying. I mean, the program is DESIGNED for you to beat it. But when you are playing against other real people… They want it bad… That’s a true victory! I’m pretty badass at PvP, and I don’t think Sir will mind my saying that more times than not, I out-score Him and stomp Him into the ground!! I’m not quiet about it, either!
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Our rivalry is so much fun!
Our teamwork is something to be reckoned with.
Our connection is so strong it extends into gamerland. (See what I did there?)

I am His little light.
He is my… well… He is my everything (even though He’s late getting home and I miss Him terribly).
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Happy Thursday!
Let’s play some games!
~shygirl