space

Stop
I’m serious
Stop
(Not my safeword)
Please
It hurts
It’s too much
Stop
(Actually, don’t)
One more, two more…
Maybe I do need to say it
Three more, four
And I’m gone
Floating up
Pain doesn’t exist
I don’t exist
No words
Not even thoughts
The only time I’m empty
Brain on hiatus
All-encompassing nothingness
Lighter than air
Higher than you
This feeling
This existence
This is surrender
This is letting go
This is the end
This is the beginning
This is the only thing
This is peace.

where does the mad go

Who am I mad at, really?

The one that dangled the carrot? The one that said it would happen? The one that forgot? The one that turned the tables? The one that lost focus? The one that’s too busy? The one that won’t fix it?

Who am I mad at, really?

The one that held out hope? The one that trusted? The one that got excited? The one that was screaming ‘finally!’? The one that is sad? The one struggling? The one that is stubborn? The one that knew better?  The one that is broken?

Who am I mad at, really?

The one that keeps marching on? The one that flies by? The one that steals? The one that pushes day to night to day, infinitely? The one that is perpetually in short supply?

Who am I mad at, really?

All of them. Not equally, not for long. The mad for each take turns – rising, sinking, fighting to stay. I want them all to go. But the mad only grows bigger.

I don’t know where to put it all. When I hold the mad for too long, it turns into sad.

I definitely know where to put sad.

It becomes me.

©shygirl

24 makes 10

24.
So that’s ten.
Two hands.
Ten years.
Such a long time.
Had you asked me then where I thought I’d be in ten years, it sure as fuck wouldn’t be here. 
Here is not bad – it’s just not what I thought.
Some parts are better than I could’ve dreamed. Others are definitively worse. So many are just different.
Ten is hard to wrap my head around.
It feels like yesterday, it feels like a long-ago dream nightmare dream.
I’ve learned some things, forgotten others.

Everything has changed.
I’m a new person.
Nothing has changed.
I’m still me, we are still we.
Somehow both stronger and weaker.
This life is one I cannot recognize or reconcile.

I’d like to revisit some things and OH MY GOD I’d love to delete some things.
I’d like to forget and not feel every damn thing, but that’s not how I’m made.
I remember… Every slight, every misstep, every lie, every hurt, every word.
I remember the good things too, which is a curse in itself sometimes.
(Woe is me, right?)

Ten years.
A lifetime. A fraction of a second.
Good riddance. Don’t go.
In the same breath.
Time is a thief and also Santa, taking away everything and giving even more.
What about the next ten years?!
Where will I be?
I won’t even think it because years seem too big today.
But the next ten minutes?!
They’ll be great.

xoxoXXX

~ shygirl