thinking [ m ] thursday

I want the pain that comes after the no, after the stop, after the protests.
I want the pain that transcends the physical and becomes this far away thing that feels better and better the more savage it becomes.
I want the pain that leaves reminders – stripes, bruises, scratches.
I want the pain that takes me out of my head.
I want the kind of pain that feeds my love and recharges my soul.

The thing is, though, when I invite pain in I do so reluctantly, sparingly, greedily.
It scares me.
More accurately, I scare me.
After all this time, all these years, all my life, I should have stomped the hangups.
I should be able to embrace every last thing and stand tall and proud in my desires.
Instead, I am scared.
I worry that something I like, became something I want, became something I need.
Like an addict, will I always want more, one step further, a little harder, a little longer, a little more?
Will it ever be enough?
Will I ever be enough?
And so it is that I try to shut it down before I cross the line. As much as I desire the line to be erased, I fight hard as hell to stop it before we get there.
I want to give over to Sir and what I am too insecure to give, I want Him to take.
And in the taking, I want His soul recharged.
I want my tears to free Him as they free me.

I worry about Him, too.
Sometimes I think Sir thinks I am a delicate creature.
Or that He is too kind.
I worry that His confidence in me is less than stellar.
Maybe He thinks I won’t safeword.
Maybe He thinks I won’t know the subtle change between hurt and harm.
Maybe He worries about His own hangups and projects them onto me.

I can hear it know, the chorus chanting “communication is the answer”.
I know that.
We communicate.
We communicate to no end.
We talk, we work, we adjust.
It has been a rough few years.
Family things, work things, setback upon setback.
Some things remain constant.
Love. Marriage. Trust. D/s.
But the play part of D/s has changed and shifted – some lovely changes and some that I deeply grieve..
It is life. Nothing is static. Everything constantly changes.

I am ready for more.
I am ready to get this dialed in.
I am ready to sink back into what I am.
I am ready to drown in Him.
I am ready to let it all go, again.
I am ready to hurt.

~shygirl

thinking [take me home] thursday

The days filled with flirting expectation and unabashed want.

The fluttery stomach and risque texts that cause a deep blush.
The tasks that encourage, invigorate, and remind.
The demanded photos that require time, thought, and plenty of privacy.
The submissiveness that seeps from every pore and fuels every breath.
The evenings filled with stolen touches and handsy hugs.
The videogames and shows infused with knowing glances and sexy awareness.
The hidden rope or plug and whispered words.
The barely-contained desire.
The eagerness that demands an early bedtime.
The wetness that leave no room for doubt.
The control required to follow instructions, to hold position, to wait.
The belt, the flogger, the loopy, the whip.
The increasing intensity, the heavenly pain.
The kisses that are too much, but not enough.
The steady rhythm, the fusing of bodies.
The forgetting, the giving-over, the floating, the release.
The Dominance that feeds the submission.
The soul. The life. The love.
All of this is all that’s needed.
This is home.

g&P

I don’t cross-promote (or is it contaminate?) often but today is an exception. I thought I would throw this to my readers on the offchance someone has an eye on something, but is irked by shipping costs. 😉

I’m working on an update… I’m trying so hard to get my mind back into regularly blogging – for my own health, but y’all know sometimes it’s hard. It’s difficult to lay the cards on the table when you’ve held them so closely for a while. Until then…

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Miss you guys! Have a great weekend!

~shygirl