Get down on all fours Sir slips his belt ’round my neck This is ride or die.
** I’m not really in the presence of death, I just love breath play. Even when Sir isn’t choking me, I hold my breath. Always have. I’m in no real danger, but I like to feel like I am. We are quite experienced with depriving me of air and Sir is very in tune with my actual intake and limits. He eases up if I show real distress. That’s rare. Mostly you’ll find me leaning against the strap, or rope, or hand – pushing that edge. It’s my jam. Looks like He’s pretty fond of my proclivities, too. Lucky me. 💜
I take the steps to reach him and look up, wondering what this is. It’s so familiar but it’s been a while and I don’t dare raise my hopes.
Kneel.
I hesitate. I hate myself for it, but I’m scared. Not of anything He could do, never scared of Him, but of promises, of what this means. Kneeling now means a return for me but I’m not sure if this is another isolated moment for Him. I’m just not sure anymore. I hate myself for that, too. My mind is swirling in these seconds, full of love and hate and trepidation. He has given me an order, the very thing my soul yearns for, and I have hesitated out of fear. I look down, try to will my knees to fall, slightly bending and then I shake my head and look back up. A tear escapes and I hate myself a little more. I was made for this, and I just can’t do it. My mind is all over the place now – still with the love, hate, trepidation but now anger and oh my god, a touch of resentment. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I cannot shake it. He has facilitated this predicament we find ourselves in and I cannot overlook it. Frozen in time I wonder how long I’ve been standing here lost in my thoughts, crying in the stillness. I hazard a glance and realize it’s only been seconds. An eternity inside of seconds. Is it too late? Can I recover? Will this help? Why can’t He just know!
Su-b, kneel for me.
I let out a sob, gasp for a breath, search for a spark of resolve. I need just a pinpoint of light to break through the dark in my head, a tiny little beacon to guide me out.
Kneel. Now.
I sink to my knees. My mind isn’t quiet like it used to be. All those feelings don’t leave, instead they swirl together becoming background noise, a low din. Coming to the fore is a simple ‘please’. I don’t know if i let it slide off my lips, but inside I am crying please, the mantra holding me to the ground for Him. Please. Please. Please. Begging for what? For more, for less, for clarity, for continuity, for peace, for love, for a new beginning, for a revival of old. For everything. I beg for it all. Please. The damn tears are still flooding my face and I don’t know where we go from here. My mind is ramping back up and I think I can’t be here anymore. I fight the urge to stand but it’s just too much. Such a simple thing -kneeling- means everything yet is threatening to take me down. Please. His strong hand pets my head, pulling it to his leg, where I melt into Him, exhaling for the first time in a long, long time.
Good girl. You are mine.
My brain wants to question this, to grill Him, to demand answers, to understand. These few minutes have felt like hours and I’m still frightened. But my soul soars. My very being knows in this moment, He is right. He is everything, He is that light, and I really am His. He is my only home. With Him I will be free.
serenity through submission 