M

I want you waiting for me on the bed, naked, when I get out of the shower.

Yes, Sir.

Some days, I wait for Him in humble, other days bent over the bed, or kneeling , or sitting in some silly, cheeky pose. I get to choose, unless He has given me specific directions. Tonight there are none, and I want to see Him when he steps out of the bathroom. I strip and lie down across the width of the bed, on my back, legs together, hands gently resting on my belly. I am relaxed and ready. I wait, my impatient tendencies nowhere in sight.

Sir opens the door, still toweling off. I look up and grin at Him.

There she is.

There are more words, though I cannot recall what they are. His words make me feel warm… safe… happy… wet.

Sir grabs my right leg, pulling it wide, bending it at the knee, foot flat on the bed. He does the same to my left. Then He steps back and looks. At me. I begin to register how open and exposed I am, worried Sir will soon hate all the things I hate if He looks a little too long. Before I can jump off that anxiety cliff, He speaks.

This looks like an ‘M’.

As Sir says this, He traces the ‘m’ of my legs, skipping over the center, where I yearn for his touch. I am mesmerized by His big hand’s gentle touch and only look up as he reaches the foot of my left leg.

Our eyes meet. Without hesitation, Sir growls.

‘M’ for Mine.

I inhale sharply as Sir bends down to to taste, take, claim what is His…..

…..
This is how we are now.
He takes, I give.
He gives, I take.
Sir owns me.
24/7.
In all ways, in all facets of our lives.
I am His.
And this is how my heart and mind know peace and contentment.

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~shygirl

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… and then there were five

We played a game the other night, Sir and I. A D/s board game, in fact. It was actually super fun and not nearly as cheesy as I thought it’d be.

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There were massages and toys and shows and roleplay and bondage. Seriously fun stuff!! There were also some tasks that really pushed my limits… in a good, if not shy, anxiety-inducing, sort of way.

There was one card that instructed me to take three minutes to write down my hard limits. It didn’t take me even half the time, and when I was done, there were only FOUR things written. Four!

I was pretty damn pleased with myself! In fact, I’ve been walking around the past several days actually proud that I’ve grown and come to terms with a lot of my hangups. Because… FOUR! Dude, four is such a small list you don’t even need to put it on paper! Go me!

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Bwaaaaahahahahaha! I should have known better!!
Just call me backslider, because today, I added number five to the list. Sigh.
I am none to happy about this little addition, and normally I’m very fond of math.
I feel quite let down (by me).
I feel like maybe I’ve let Sir (and others) down a little, too.
I feel like maybe I’m moving in the wrong direction.
I feel like a loser, a baby, a failure.

At the same time… I wonder… could this ‘devolution’ mean I am understanding myself better? Feeling more confident, even, in recognizing what I can and cannot do?

You see… there are many times in my daily life, when I keep quiet because I don’t want to be the “spoiler of all the things”. I try to push myself because that’s the thing to do, that’s how a person grows. No one wants to be the one against the grain, day in and day out. I am that girl so often, about so many things and it is really tiring. Is it possible that defining a new hard limit is a way to grow as well? Hell, it sounds backwards, but I don’t even know.

And what about my hard limits?

Thought I had four… And then there were five.

~shygirl