the stool

It took all day to come up with something that REALLY reminded me of submission. My head isn’t in a good place with this. But as things do, it came to me when I wasn’t even thinking about it. 

This rickety, old, busted up thing is my favorite. 

It reminds me of the beginning and the end, of love and hurt, of pain and soothing. It reminds me of our old closet and the awakenings that happened there, but also the tears and struggle. It makes me sad to remember, but also happy. 

It is a physical reminder that even when things feel broken and irredeemable, there can still be hope. If it happened once, it can happen again. Good. And bad. 

Trusting, especially when you feel the most alone. Surrendering the fear. Embracing the current.

This is submission.

Happy New Year! 



final terms [of endearment]

A little bit ago, an article about the psychology of nicknames (pet names, terms of endearment, etc) popped up in my feed, and of course I read it! I love pet names! Sir has an arsenal of names that He calls me and each makes me feel any number of things, but it all boils down to love.

Then, the other day, I was cleaning out my dresser and read some letters and cards from someone pretty important to me… And noticed the total lack of use of any pet names over the last eight months. It had struck me as odd on my birthday earlier this summer, but I tried not to read too much into and promptly blocked it out. But standing there, rereading months of words? Everything felt a little off.

I went in search of that article I had read, and then many others. Basically, the science says… Pet names are good. And the stoppage of using them, is a bad thing… A growing apart, a separation.


I guess… I am a little relieved… I mean, science and all… for once it’s not only in my head; it’s not just my stupid sensitive feelings. 

Also, I am a little embarrassed… I only stopped using the pet name a few days ago (after this revelation)… and oh god, there was that gift I gave. *hides face in the lopsided shame*

I suppose I already knew this happened, this separation… This sort of “out of sight, out of mind” vibe wafting across the miles. There have been plenty of clues – dwindling conversations and happy habits long abandoned – but a [sappy, hopeful, delusional] part of me thought we’d gotten past the bumps. Maybe this is yet another bump, who am I to say?

I’m not burning bridges or giving up, just living in the truth of the situation. I’m going to take it day by day, interaction by less-frequent-interaction. I will not give more than I get. Perhaps that will be the downfall, or I suppose things could pick back up. All I know is: I just can’t carry it like I used to.

Time will tell.

This isn’t a sad post, as much as it’s an “as-is” post. Terms of endearment are such a good thing and it’s concerning when they die out.

I am incredibly thankful to be Sir’s little light, kitten, slut, Su-B, shygirl, and on and on… I will simply bask in that warmth and hope not to hear my real name (y’all, that usually means trouble!).

Happy Monday, all you sweetcheeks of blogland!! (see what I did there?) 😀


thinking [struggle] thursday


We all struggle. 

Your struggle may look different than mine, feel more important, BE bigger.

I know, things could be worse – things can ALWAYS be worse. 

But y’all! I am struggling right now!

I feel like I am on an island of struggle. 

I know if I could just jump off and swim to shore, I could find a little peace. 

But I am paralyzed, I am stuck… And I am so damn tired. 

I’m not looking for sympathy from you fine people. 

No, I just want to say: 

If you are struggling right now, with anything – You are not alone. 

We may be in different worlds, with different problems, but we all know the struggle. That fact must mean I’m not alone, either! That’s a little beacon of hope, right? Maybe..  collectively, separately… we’ve got this?!

I’m going with “hell yes” and sending mad props to Sir for helping me hold my head up.

Happy Thursday!