thinking [ m ] thursday

I want the pain that comes after the no, after the stop, after the protests.
I want the pain that transcends the physical and becomes this far away thing that feels better and better the more savage it becomes.
I want the pain that leaves reminders – stripes, bruises, scratches.
I want the pain that takes me out of my head.
I want the kind of pain that feeds my love and recharges my soul.

The thing is, though, when I invite pain in I do so reluctantly, sparingly, greedily.
It scares me.
More accurately, I scare me.
After all this time, all these years, all my life, I should have stomped the hangups.
I should be able to embrace every last thing and stand tall and proud in my desires.
Instead, I am scared.
I worry that something I like, became something I want, became something I need.
Like an addict, will I always want more, one step further, a little harder, a little longer, a little more?
Will it ever be enough?
Will I ever be enough?
And so it is that I try to shut it down before I cross the line. As much as I desire the line to be erased, I fight hard as hell to stop it before we get there.
I want to give over to Sir and what I am too insecure to give, I want Him to take.
And in the taking, I want His soul recharged.
I want my tears to free Him as they free me.

I worry about Him, too.
Sometimes I think Sir thinks I am a delicate creature.
Or that He is too kind.
I worry that His confidence in me is less than stellar.
Maybe He thinks I won’t safeword.
Maybe He thinks I won’t know the subtle change between hurt and harm.
Maybe He worries about His own hangups and projects them onto me.

I can hear it know, the chorus chanting “communication is the answer”.
I know that.
We communicate.
We communicate to no end.
We talk, we work, we adjust.
It has been a rough few years.
Family things, work things, setback upon setback.
Some things remain constant.
Love. Marriage. Trust. D/s.
But the play part of D/s has changed and shifted – some lovely changes and some that I deeply grieve..
It is life. Nothing is static. Everything constantly changes.

I am ready for more.
I am ready to get this dialed in.
I am ready to sink back into what I am.
I am ready to drown in Him.
I am ready to let it all go, again.
I am ready to hurt.

~shygirl

kneel and be still

I sink to my knees and lose myself in you.


Your needs are the only thing I focus on.


That is how it is supposed to go, always


But sometimes, I am impatient


You leave me waiting and my mind ramps up


frustration and sadness usually come first


followed by doubt and insecurity


I am so disappointed in myself


Internally scolding and berating


If I cannot do this, can I even BE this?


I focus on my breath


Count it in, count it out


Pleading with my mind to just be still


I close my eyes again, rest my hands


Please let everything fall away


Just be me, just be His


I settle

He tells me I am a good girl


All is right and I know


Even during the struggles,


I AM this.

– shygirl

thinking [made for this] thursday

I am made for this.

Some days I forget that. I forget that my only freedom is through submission. I fall back on past versions that could only rely on myself. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I chastise myself for not being stronger or for not being more timid. I rail against direction and instruction because I focus on the little changes I don’t like. I forget to build up the positive. I forget why I am how I am. I forget who I am.

Today I’m digging deep. I know that I am Yours. I know that You are mine. I know that submitting is strength. I know that holding grudges, no matter how small, only holds us apart. I know that D/s is the way, our only way. I know that consistency doesn’t mean monotony and that change is inevitable and beneficial. I know that life is good. I know Your love.

Never doubt.

I was made for this.

-shygirl