fresh start Friday: My life, with a little balance

I speak often of my shortcomings and struggles because it helps me work through them.  I try to speak just as often about my triumphs and happiness, but it is much easier to write about the things that are wrong.  I’ve always been like that – anytime I’ve kept a journal, it reads like a giant gripe-fest.  When I’m happy and settled, I just don’t have much to say.  That isn’t fair to me, or to my Sir, or to anyone that happens to read my rambling tales.

I’m feeling good this morning.  My Sir read yesterday’s post about communication and had very succinct and helpful feedback.  As always.  He makes me feel cherished and safe, even while I think I am falling apart on the inside.  We are truly a wolf pack, together till the end… and we’ve got this. No matter what jumps in our way, we’ve got this!!

On to the balance:

I’m not great at making New Year’s resolutions – one year, my resolution was to order something online every week because getting packages makes me happy!  I’m not even joking – I wrote that down and was very proud I came up with it!  Ha!  This year, though, I didn’t really make a “resolution”, but more of a pact with my Sir.  We are going to have good Karma and I am going to put positive thoughts into the air.  There are some big things we are trying to do this year and normally I would be very anxious, worried and probably a bit negative.  That approach has never worked so my Sir has forbidden it altogether!  It can be difficult at times to think positively, but as soon as I catch myself beginning to worry about logistics and all that could go wrong, I quickly think “GOOD _________ KARMA”.  Elle wrote about her good parking Karma and that really hit home for me (and my Husband).  I don’t much care about the parking, but I say that phrase multiple times per day with a few other words to fill in the blank.  I do not care how crazy you think it sounds, IT WORKS!  Put good things into the universe and you will receive good things.  Negative begets negative.  So simple, and so easy to forget.  Try it out, let me know if it works for you.  2014 is the year of positivity!  Why?  Because my Sir said so.  It’s a beautiful new world!!

~shygirl

 

Thinking [communication] Thursday

Communication – such a source of beauty in my life and the biggest thorn in my side!

I try to communicate.  I work very hard to get better at it.  I like to believe that I’ve made progress, but that might just be wishful thinking.  I hear time and time again, D/s is ALL about communication – hell, ANY relationship needs great communication – and I agree whole-heartedly, but it just isn’t that easy for me.  It just isn’t.

Sometimes communicating is like pulling teeth in slow motion – I try to talk and I can’t.  It is both mental and physical:  my head whirs, my heart races, my throat becomes dry, my cheeks get hot, my eyes well up. There are times I can fight through all of that and that hurts, too, but it is better.  Even if the words aren’t happy, I am better for having said them.  There are times, though, that I can’t fight hard enough and I succumb to that suffocating silence.

Sometimes communicating is like a tornado – words flying left and right, destroying everything in their path. My brain checks out and raw, unfiltered emotion takes over – that is never pretty.

Sometimes communicating feels like leaves on the wind – the breeze picks up my thoughts, transforming them into a beautiful dance, before placing them at my Sir’s feet.  I strive for this and fall short so many times.

Then there are the times when I feel that I should not have to say a single word… but the outcome is never as I envisioned it.  These times are the worst.  These times make me feel ignored, sad, misunderstood, not important enough… well, you get the drift. I’m certain my Sir isn’t a fan of these times, either.  He tells me to ALWAYS go to Him if I need or want something.  I try, I want to do that, but sometimes I just don’t think I should have to.  That’s bad, isn’t it?  And that’s completely on me!  There are more times than not that my Sir knows exactly what I need, or want, or feel. I just need to figure out how to let go of that nagging feeling that says I shouldn’t have to say a word.  I am so frustrating! Communication class, anyone?

There are no answers in this post, because I just don’t have them.  There is no resolution to this matter, because I am nowhere near the end.  Apologies to those that read this and feel that I am a broken record – communication is a recurring theme around here and I imagine it always will be.  It may get boring, but it means I am really pushing myself to be a better communicator, a better submissive, a better wife, a better mother, a better person. (I get some points there, surely!)

Happy Thursday – tomorrow is Friday!!

~shygirl

Loved

We have a glass jar full of clothespins on a shelf in our closet – they bring pinches and pain, laughter and tears, focus and pleasure (a few bruises, too), but most of all, they bring love.

I am loved.