maybe a light

Maybe there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. Found this today…

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Who cares about victorious!? I’ll just be happy to be out of one of the mazes my life has become! Then I’ll be able to move onto the next… One trouble at a time, right?

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I’m so tired of all of this, all of these topsy-turvy, unsettled things. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel. Hard. But most days, I just suck it up (or cry it out), and keep working.

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Blessings and good things abound. I haven’t forgotten all that is happy and right! This too shall pass.

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Sir’s got me, so I’ve got this. All of it. Even on the worst days, somewhere inside me I know… Everything will be just fine.

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~shygirl

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thinking [said I am] Thursday

I am a lot of things.
I have a lot of bad qualities.
I am impatient, insecure.
I am a worrier and maybe a bit pessimistic.
I am stubborn.
I can’t name all the bad qualities – I just don’t have the time.

I have a few good qualities.
I am funny.
I am loyal.
I love fiercely.
I am honest.

There is one quality that I really despise in a human.
I hate it.
This quality – I have always taken pride in not having.
Going so far as to say, ‘I may be all those things, but at least I’m not that one.’
Until now.

So I wonder:
If you don’t feel you are something, but someone says you are…
Does it make it so?
Does their perception of you mean that you are the thing you so detest?
If people see you in a certain light, even if you think they are wrong, isn’t it a failure on your part?

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So maybe I am this thing I hate.
I try not to be a hypocrite, so if I am what they say I am…
I guess I hate myself, too.

Not all truths are good.
Not all honesty is freeing.
Sometimes…

Silence is golden.

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Happy Thursday…
~shygirl

…and sometimes still.

I am submissive.
To my core.
Through and through.
To my Sir, my Husband.

I am also human.
And I get angry.
Really, blood-boiling, seeing-red, brand of angry.
Sometimes toward my Sir.
Gasp!

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(This is one of my favorite Little Critter books)

In our former structure – before all the D/s and rules and such – my anger would take over.
Briefly.
I’d yell and throw.
Scream and say hateful things.
And I’d feel better.
I’d get it out and I would feel some better!
Kinda like…
But now…
When I get angry, I have to keep my head about me.
Yelling and disrespect simply isn’t appropriate.
It’s definitely not tolerated.
Oh, I can be mad..
I’m allowed to feel however I feel.
So I may get as mad as I want, but I cannot vent it like I used to.

This is a problem.
Being mad at Sir is a problem in and of itself.
Especially when the anger stems from disappointment.
I hate myself a little when I am angry with Him.
He is the leader.
He is the boss.
So feeling that anger feels like a ship lost at sea.
And feeling lost?
It compounds the anger.
There is no easy release valve like before.

Instead, we talk about it.
Eyeroll.
I let Him know why I’m upset, He listens.
It is always some tiny little nothing, that happened to rub me the wrong way.
In the moment, though, it is big and worthy.
I try to sneak a little snark by.
I shut doors a little too hard, I walk with heavier steps.
I huff and I puff…
But it fizzles out.
Because I cannot yell.
I’ll be honest, it’s really frustrating!
It is frustrating to stay humble when I want to scream.
It is annoying to remain respectful when my tongue wants to slice.
It, on occasion, takes all of my self control to even stand before Him and behave.

I wish I didn’t get angry over stupid ass things.
I do it less, surely that counts for something.
But anger is a normal emotion.
I am alive.
I am semi-normal.
I’m bound to get upset with the one I love the most.
I hope I continue to handle it better and better.
I hope Sir sees the progress.
I hope He forgives the backwards steps now and again.
I love and respect Him.
He is everything to me and does so much for me, us.

Oh, but there are those days –
I just want to yell!

It’s Monday!
~shygirl