24 makes 10

24.
So that’s ten.
Two hands.
Ten years.
Such a long time.
Had you asked me then where I thought I’d be in ten years, it sure as fuck wouldn’t be here. 
Here is not bad – it’s just not what I thought.
Some parts are better than I could’ve dreamed. Others are definitively worse. So many are just different.
Ten is hard to wrap my head around.
It feels like yesterday, it feels like a long-ago dream nightmare dream.
I’ve learned some things, forgotten others.

Everything has changed.
I’m a new person.
Nothing has changed.
I’m still me, we are still we.
Somehow both stronger and weaker.
This life is one I cannot recognize or reconcile.

I’d like to revisit some things and OH MY GOD I’d love to delete some things.
I’d like to forget and not feel every damn thing, but that’s not how I’m made.
I remember… Every slight, every misstep, every lie, every hurt, every word.
I remember the good things too, which is a curse in itself sometimes.
(Woe is me, right?)

Ten years.
A lifetime. A fraction of a second.
Good riddance. Don’t go.
In the same breath.
Time is a thief and also Santa, taking away everything and giving even more.
What about the next ten years?!
Where will I be?
I won’t even think it because years seem too big today.
But the next ten minutes?!
They’ll be great.

xoxoXXX

~ shygirl

speak easy

I spoke too soon
Or maybe too late
In the wrong tone
With the wrong face

I spoke out of turn
Or I spoke not a word
My voice is too loud
Unless it’s not heard

I spoke with contempt
Or maybe with joy
Put a smile on my lips
Try not to annoy

I spoke all my hope
Or maybe my fear
Nothing quite right
But still so sincere

I spoke too late
Or maybe too soon
So I speak to myself
In the middle of ruin

~ shygirl

thinking [resurgence] thursday

Rising again.

Rising again.

That feels accurate.
For me. For us. For our marriage. For this D/s relationship. Hell, for the entire world these days.

These past years have been fraught with – well, they’ve been fraught. One thing on top of the next concurrent with a third on top of a fourth. There’s been no rest, no lull, no end. Nothing catastrophic but boy, don’t the little things add up quickly to become overwhelm.

But how has all this affected our dynamic?
Can you guess?
Did we go full speed as an amazing coping mechanism to help us through the day? I WISH.
But we sure as fuck did not.
Did we restructure our marriage and life and do away with our D/s completely?
Hell no.
Did we sometimes forget to communicate? Did I go into survival mode and shove my submission down? Did Sir focus on other things and let the leadership slide?
Yes yes and yes.

It makes tears fall out of my eyes to type that. It makes me feel a little broken, a little fraudulent and a lot embarrassed.

We’ve been living full-time D/s for almost 9 years. Now I’m not saying we stroll through Target with me on a leash – we do have jobs and children, but our dynamic is not just a bedroom one. Though our 23 year marriage didn’t start out D/s, when it evolved into that dynamic, everything became one. Our marriage WAS D/s, D/s was our marriage, I was wife & sub, He was husband & Sir. So when I began to feel the separation of everything into little compartments – I panicked and withdrew, then spilled my guts, them panicked & withdrew. Sir would listen and acknowledge but nothing really changed, for a while. A long fucking while. Our dynamic never completely went away but it just wasn’t feeding me (I don’t think it was feeding Him either), a skeleton of what it once was.

And then…

It did. It is.
I feel it in my bones.
We are rising again.
Life isn’t much calmer.
I’m not sure what really changed, or if this is just another ebb and flow of life.
Maybe it has to do with talking, maybe it has to do with me figuring out my exhaustion, maybe it has to do with fucking.
Sometimes, maybe it is mind over matter. Fake it til you ARE it. If life is a series of habits, a habit is just repetition until it becomes second nature.
Whatever the case may be, this is our resurgence.

I’m so thankful to do this life with a person that gives me so much love. I’m also thankful to have a sore bottom this morning.

Happy Thursday!

~ shygirl