effect vs cause

 

Lyrics here

No longer will I accept the old turnaround. Taking my reaction to something, and saying it is the root, will not be tolerated anymore. Not only isn’t it fair, but that flipping-back-to-me stuff is guaranteed to be far more destructive than whatever happened to begin with. 

No more. 
I know I’ve taught the world to deal with me like this. I know I’ve absorbed all of this backwards blame. I know I’ve repeatedly apologized for having feelings. I know I’ve said I’m sorry when I never should have. Repeatedly. You see, I’ve always given in and accepted the blame because I’ve never felt worthy.

No more.

So from here on out, the only thing that is good enough for me is honesty. If you cannot give me that, if it’s too difficult to be forthcoming and true, well…you cannot be a part of my life at all. I don’t need fake friends or shitty periphial folk in my life. I’ll be 40 in a few months and I’m just too damn old to have my feelings repeatedly hurt by falseness, and then hurt again by blaming my feelings as the problem. No. Honesty or nothing. No more lies… Whether they be blatant lies, half-truths, or withheld information. They are all deceptive and I am over it.

No. More.
I am full of faults and I make mistakes daily, but I am worth honesty. Maybe I’m not worth much else, but by god, I fucking demand honesty. And heaven help the next person that gets the effect and cause twisted.

~shygirl

different days go by

Scrolling, looking for something specific for one of my children, the pictures fly by. I try to not to look, but the memories rush into my head and flood my heart. Good memories, mostly,  but now somehow tainted. My eyes leak and my feelings…

Honestly, I feel so much in this moment, I can’t isolate any one thing. All the feelings make me numb and I’m not even sure what I should feel. The first step should be figuring that out right? 

I feel… Sad. A little sick. Embarrassed for then, for now. I feel longing, but also relief. I feel stupid. Smart. A little ugly, a little… Not. I feel loved, betrayed. I feel envious, of me, then. I feel older, wiser, harder.  I feel a heavy grief and the sting of enlightenment. I feel happy. I feel duped, like a yoyo, like less-than. I feel changed, better, worse. Hell I don’t know. Mostly I feel…

Different.

I’m the same girl… then, now… Just different. Thank god for Sir’s patience, love, and strength. He keeps us moving forward, at times He has to drag me, because like it or not, the days go by.


~shygirl

not that

It’s not that easy. 

Pick up and put down.

It’s not that simple.

Forgive and forget.

It’s not that clear.

Honesty polluted.

It’s not that pure.

Tainted and stained.

It’s not that true.

Words twisted.

It’s not that real.

Smoke and mirrors.
(this is an old one, hanging around in my drafts.)  ~shygirl