final terms [of endearment]

A little bit ago, an article about the psychology of nicknames (pet names, terms of endearment, etc) popped up in my feed, and of course I read it! I love pet names! Sir has an arsenal of names that He calls me and each makes me feel any number of things, but it all boils down to love.

Then, the other day, I was cleaning out my dresser and read some letters and cards from someone pretty important to me… And noticed the total lack of use of any pet names over the last eight months. It had struck me as odd on my birthday earlier this summer, but I tried not to read too much into and promptly blocked it out. But standing there, rereading months of words? Everything felt a little off.

I went in search of that article I had read, and then many others. Basically, the science says… Pet names are good. And the stoppage of using them, is a bad thing… A growing apart, a separation.

Fuck.

I guess… I am a little relieved… I mean, science and all… for once it’s not only in my head; it’s not just my stupid sensitive feelings. 

Also, I am a little embarrassed… I only stopped using the pet name a few days ago (after this revelation)… and oh god, there was that gift I gave. *hides face in the lopsided shame*

I suppose I already knew this happened, this separation… This sort of “out of sight, out of mind” vibe wafting across the miles. There have been plenty of clues – dwindling conversations and happy habits long abandoned – but a [sappy, hopeful, delusional] part of me thought we’d gotten past the bumps. Maybe this is yet another bump, who am I to say?

I’m not burning bridges or giving up, just living in the truth of the situation. I’m going to take it day by day, interaction by less-frequent-interaction. I will not give more than I get. Perhaps that will be the downfall, or I suppose things could pick back up. All I know is: I just can’t carry it like I used to.

Time will tell.

This isn’t a sad post, as much as it’s an “as-is” post. Terms of endearment are such a good thing and it’s concerning when they die out.

I am incredibly thankful to be Sir’s little light, kitten, slut, Su-B, shygirl, and on and on… I will simply bask in that warmth and hope not to hear my real name (y’all, that usually means trouble!).

Happy Monday, all you sweetcheeks of blogland!! (see what I did there?) 😀

~shygirl


thinking [struggle] thursday

Struggle. 

We all struggle. 

Your struggle may look different than mine, feel more important, BE bigger.

I know, things could be worse – things can ALWAYS be worse. 

But y’all! I am struggling right now!

I feel like I am on an island of struggle. 

I know if I could just jump off and swim to shore, I could find a little peace. 

But I am paralyzed, I am stuck… And I am so damn tired. 

I’m not looking for sympathy from you fine people. 

No, I just want to say: 

If you are struggling right now, with anything – You are not alone. 

We may be in different worlds, with different problems, but we all know the struggle. That fact must mean I’m not alone, either! That’s a little beacon of hope, right? Maybe..  collectively, separately… we’ve got this?!

I’m going with “hell yes” and sending mad props to Sir for helping me hold my head up.

Happy Thursday! 

~shygirl

effect vs cause

 

Lyrics here

No longer will I accept the old turnaround. Taking my reaction to something, and saying it is the root, will not be tolerated anymore. Not only isn’t it fair, but that flipping-back-to-me stuff is guaranteed to be far more destructive than whatever happened to begin with. 

No more. 
I know I’ve taught the world to deal with me like this. I know I’ve absorbed all of this backwards blame. I know I’ve repeatedly apologized for having feelings. I know I’ve said I’m sorry when I never should have. Repeatedly. You see, I’ve always given in and accepted the blame because I’ve never felt worthy.

No more.

So from here on out, the only thing that is good enough for me is honesty. If you cannot give me that, if it’s too difficult to be forthcoming and true, well…you cannot be a part of my life at all. I don’t need fake friends or shitty periphial folk in my life. I’ll be 40 in a few months and I’m just too damn old to have my feelings repeatedly hurt by falseness, and then hurt again by blaming my feelings as the problem. No. Honesty or nothing. No more lies… Whether they be blatant lies, half-truths, or withheld information. They are all deceptive and I am over it.

No. More.
I am full of faults and I make mistakes daily, but I am worth honesty. Maybe I’m not worth much else, but by god, I fucking demand honesty. And heaven help the next person that gets the effect and cause twisted.

~shygirl