I spoke too soon
Or maybe too late
In the wrong tone
With the wrong face
I spoke out of turn
Or I spoke not a word
My voice is too loud
Unless it’s not heard
I spoke with contempt
Or maybe with joy
Put a smile on my lips
Try not to annoy
I spoke all my hope
Or maybe my fear
Nothing quite right
But still so sincere
I spoke too late
Or maybe too soon
So I speak to myself
In the middle of ruin
~ shygirl
Me? No, probably not.
The moment I dare to think I will have the time or the words to jump back into my blog, life knocks me down and then it’s all I can to do manage the minimal day to day.
That’s okay, life is okay, Sir and I are okay, and all will continue to be okay. Day by day. Just keep fucking swimming.
But I’m not here to fuss or to vent or to moan about things that aren’t quite right. Not today.
Today I’m here to say Happy New Year! I am here to say that laughter through the tears is the way to go! Mostly, I’m here to ruminate on my little Etsy shop. Not to plug it, or to convince you to purchase something (but feel free, we make it all with love and pain in mind). I just want to remind you that little things are, in fact, the biggest things.
My shop is small. We sell heavy duty spreader bars, burned spoons, loopy pain devices, and recently added enamel pins which are an unexpected hit. We don’t sell a lot, but it has picked up slightly. Usually the uptick comes when we need it most and I just feel so thankful – like a higher power is looking out. Yeah, my god totally supports my BDSM shop. Praise be. 😉
My favorite part about running this little side-hustle isn’t the small boost to income, it’s the connection of it all. The open and frank conversations with likeminded individuals. No pretense. No embarrassment. Questions. Answers. Discussions. About sensation or strength, Dominant & submissive gifts, custom words.
Recently I’ve had two gift orders wherein I’ve handwritten the dictated message. I love it! I love getting a glimpse into the lives of others on similar paths, or very different ones. I love being a voyeur. I love getting to be a part of these dirty little gifts that are also sent with so much love. It’s really life-affirming for me, which I know sounds a little extra, but it is. The small moments remind of the validity of our choices and preferences. Our needs may not be the norm, but we aren’t the only ones. I need that because sometimes, even after all these years, I start to worry that I’m not ‘right’ or that this dynamic is just a manifestation of my fucked-up-ness. I’m not good at friends, and sometimes that gets lonely and very isolating. But having this meager shop (and this blog when I utilize it) gives me a sense of community, belonging, and understanding that I’d otherwise not have.
In the new year, I hope to rekindle my affair with this blog and to invest more time and research (ha!) into new things for my shop. Hold me accountable! Send me a message asking what’s up! Even if you don’t want to buy, follow my shop, follow my blog, let’s chat!
And if any of you have ever purchased, thank you from the depths of my black heart and just know that I secretly consider you party of my kinky, dirty family.
Much love & laughter to all!
Happy weekend!
❤
shygirl
My submission is very personal.
It is something I always am, but I do not make it readily available to anyone but Sir. We’ve been doing this 24/7 thing for a while now, and like anything in life, I fear it could become so commonplace as to be taken for granted. That hasn’t happened here, but I always actively try to keep such things at bay.
I firmly believe in questioning what you know, in playing devil’s advocate, in consistently trying to learn and grow. So my whole life, I will take a topic… let’s say love… and I really try to get to the bottom of it: What is love? How does love behave? How should love react? What does love feel like? When is it confusion, not love? Where are the lines that love is bound by? How can I express love? How can I be love?
Sure the answers change, shift, and evolve, but would I even realize if I didn’t regularly ask?! I can’t say for sure, but I know this sort of thinking keeps me on my toes and makes love something I am actively doing. Love, for me, is a verb. I want no less than that.
So it stands to reason that I ask similar questions about my submission and D/s structure. I haven’t been asking these questions for nearly as long (four years, give or take), and it can become some seriously spiraled thinking. Sometimes the answers form so slowly, I nearly die of impatience. Other times, I think I have it figured out, but become convinced that I’m doing all of this wrong! So I ponder, and worry, and fret until I have a set of parameters that I can operate safely within. That is, until we push limits and adjust lines… or Sir says, oh no, this is how we will do it… and the questioning starts all over again. It can be daunting, but I think this is a good way for me to operate – Sir and I have been together 19 1/2 years, so something is working!
(That was the longest intro, just to get to a silly list!)
Today is one of those days that I am questioning my ability to do/be/understand anything. Since I should absolutely not document all the ways I’m feeling subpar (love, friendship, family, D/s, motherhood), I’m going to lift this day up, and make a simple submission list – what submission is to me. Single, simple words. If any expanding is needed, let me know. 🙂
Submission is…
Love.
Trust.
Respect.
Safety.
Pain.
Hard.
All-encompassing.
Tearful.
Honest.
Exposed.
Playful.
Humble.
Understanding.
Compassion.
Connection.
Anticipation.
Mindful.
Overcoming.
Growth.
Happiness.
Contentment.
Resolution.
Words!
Truth.
Scary.
Selfless.
Sunshine.
Strength.
Work.
Consistent.
Vulnerable.
Fulfillment.
His will.
Everything.
Me.
Hallelujah! It is Friday! Happy weekend, y’all! Enjoy the fireworks and the heat (around here, anyway)!
~shygirl
serenity through submission 