… submission is …

My submission is very personal.
It is something I always am, but I do not make it readily available to anyone but Sir. We’ve been doing this 24/7 thing for a while now, and like anything in life, I fear it could become so commonplace as to be taken for granted. That hasn’t happened here, but I always actively try to keep such things at bay.

I firmly believe in questioning what you know, in playing devil’s advocate, in consistently trying to learn and grow. So my whole life, I will take a topic… let’s say love… and I really try to get to the bottom of it: What is love? How does love behave? How should love react? What does love feel like? When is it confusion, not love? Where are the lines that love is bound by? How can I express love? How can I be love?
Sure the answers change, shift, and evolve, but would I even realize if I didn’t regularly ask?! I can’t say for sure, but I know this sort of thinking keeps me on my toes and makes love something I am actively doing. Love, for me, is a verb. I want no less than that.

So it stands to reason that I ask similar questions about my submission and D/s structure. I haven’t been asking these questions for nearly as long (four years, give or take), and it can become some seriously spiraled thinking. Sometimes the answers form so slowly, I nearly die of impatience.  Other times, I think I have it figured out, but become convinced that I’m doing all of this wrong! So I ponder, and worry, and fret until I have a set of parameters that I can operate safely within. That is, until we push limits and adjust lines… or Sir says, oh no, this is how we will do it… and the questioning starts all over again. It can be daunting, but I think this is a good way for me to operate – Sir and I have been together 19 1/2 years, so something is working!

(That was the longest intro, just to get to a silly list!)

Today is one of those days that I am questioning my ability to do/be/understand anything. Since I should absolutely not document all the ways I’m feeling subpar (love, friendship, family, D/s, motherhood), I’m going to lift this day up, and make a simple submission list – what submission is to me. Single, simple words. If any expanding is needed, let me know. ūüôā

Submission is…
Love.
Trust.
Respect.
Safety.
Pain.
Hard.
All-encompassing.
Tearful.
Honest.
Exposed.
Playful.
Humble.
Understanding.
Compassion.
Connection.
Anticipation.
Mindful.
Overcoming.
Growth.
Happiness.
Contentment.
Resolution.
Words!
Truth.
Scary.
Selfless.
Sunshine.
Strength.
Work.
Consistent.
Vulnerable.
Fulfillment.
His will.
Everything.
Me.

Hallelujah! It is Friday! Happy weekend, y’all! Enjoy the fireworks and the heat (around here, anyway)!
~shygirl

kind or out of mind

New rule:
You cannot be my friend if you are an asshole to waitstaff or cashiers.

If your cashier tells you to have a nice day or some such pleasantry, you should respond in kind.
I don’t really care if you’re having a bad day.
I don’t really care if you are shy.
I don’t really care if you’ve lost your voice.

You say “thank you”.
You say “you, too”.
You smile.
You mouth the words.
Something.
Anything.

When you order your food, you say please.
You say thank you when it is served.
Even at fast food joints.
If your server is polite and pleasant, you need to be the same!

In fact, you can definitely be my friend if you take the kind route even when the service is less than stellar. Even if you must speak to a manager, you can be kind whilst airing your grievances.

My Sir is the master of such behavior. He has taught me much.
Even when my world is falling apart around me, if I’m good enough to leave the house, I can damn well be kind wherever I go.
You can, too.

So… if you are ever with me, and you are a jerk to anyone for no reason, if you don’t say thank you to kind words from strangers, if you treat workers like slaves, I will be done with you then and there.

From now on.
Friend Rule #1

Happy, happy Friday! Three day weekend starts soon!!
~shygirl

ricochet. but stop.

ricochet

I don’t want to cause the drama.
I don’t want to make issues where there are none.
I don’t want to question everything.
I don’t want to feel so inadequate.
I don’t want to disappoint.
I don’t want to be disappointed.
I don’t want to expect.
I don’t want to wonder.
I don’t want to explain.
I don’t want to ask.
I don’t want to be insecure.
I don’t want to be jealous.
I don’t want to be needy.
I don’t want to be ugly.
I don’t want to crave.
I don’t want to teeter.
I don’t want to be afraid.
I don’t want to hide.
I don’t want to run.
I don’t want to pretend.
I don’t want to be weak.
I don’t want…

I don’t want to be the girl who always has an issue.
I don’t want to be the girl who drains.

inspireordrain

Now what?¬† I’ll stop!
I will figure out a way to control these jumbled thoughts of mine.

wannafly

I will try to ignore these bad feelings when they threaten to take over.¬† Why?¬† Because¬†I have nothing to really complain about.¬† In our 17 years,¬†my Sir¬†has never let me go – He holds on tight.¬† Maybe sometimes, I just need a little tighter, and maybe that’s okay.

negative

I’ll start now. I will take it day by day.¬† But for today? I’m going to rock this awesome life¬†and live in a way that makes my Husband proud.¬† Hell, I’ll live in such a way that makes me proud!

livefully

I am submissive and I am tired of creating useless battles in my head.
I will figure it out. I will change.¬†I¬†will …

makeithappen2

Happy Weekend!!!  ~shygirl