thinking [sleepy] thursday

I am tired.
Of things, yes, but I mean I am so stinking SLEEPY.
Not just today, for months.
For one reason, or seventy others, my coveted bedtime schedule has fallen by the wayside.
I am not a fan. You know what else isn’t a fan of these extended days? You don’t, but I’m here to tell you:

1. My eyes. They are tired of holding themselves up, and they puff up in protest! Not very nice of them, but I guess we all do what it takes to get by.

2. My head. My head hurts, seriously months of a headache. Allergies are the main cause, sure, but I’m certain sleep would help!

3. My brain. Well my brain is generally a heated mess (get that reference? PP2), but with inadequate sleep, my brain can’t even make a decent list! Or think the thoughts it needs to think which leads to…

4. My feelers. I always have a lot of feelings. I feel all of the things, all of the time. Then I obsess over the feelings and whether they are valid. Do they even matter?! I don’t know! I’m too tired to tell!

5. My business. Yeah, I said it. My girlie parts are tired too. I’m still getting the daily action from Sir, but I must say, there’s been a lot more snex than I’m used to. (Snex is the sleepy/snuggly hit it from spoon sex that was developed for tired people like me.) Sad face.

6. My family. Okay, you already know I can’t make a grocery list lately to save my life, therefore dinners are…well… sort of fend for yourself! I’m tired. And I only eat dinner so I can take a bath!

7. My Sir. Why? He’s fucking tired too! And He works all by Himself, for Himself, and what He does is physical. On top of that, He has to deal with me when I’m all tired and emotional and batshit crazy.

So really. No one is a fan of this schedule. I just want ONE day where we don’t have to stay up waiting on storms, waiting on children. I want to go to the bed at 8:45 and play…hoord… and then sleep until I wake up! No 5:40 alarm! No yapping offspring!

Sleep, people, I want sleep!
Until then…

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Happy Thursday!
~ shygirl

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disparate

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I’m standing here and I know I look the same.
My hair, my makeup, my clothes, they are all the same.
The words out of my mouth probably sound the same.
The big feelings I have absolutely feel the same.

So I’m standing here, looking the same, feeling the same, being the same… but I’m not really.
Can the change be seen in my eyes?
Can it be heard in the pause before speaking?
Does my uncertainty shine through?
Does my paralyzing fear reveal itself in awkward sentences?
Are echoes of my feet walking on eggshells heard across time?
Will this dissipate too?
Will the abundance of caution fade the way that tears do?
Will wariness make way for comfort?
Will time settle this for me?
How is it possible to be the same but also totally different?!

I’ve learned some things.
Hopefully I’m a better person.
I want to be the kind of person that brings the sunshine, that radiates hope, that expects the best things out of life.
I want to be solid and sure.
I want to better this time around.

But for now, I’m standing here – the very same girl, but different, changed… disparate.

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Happy Tuesday!
~shygirl