prelude to a trip

Leaving is not my favorite thing.
The travelling is not the greatest, but I like the arriving well enough.
The final destination makes me very happy. This time around, it has been too long in between.
But the leaving? Oh it is HARD.

Getting ready to leave requires extensive work.
There are lists, on top of lists, on top of lists.
There is shopping to be done, schedules to be made, plans to get in order.

There are feelings that must dealt with, for months, weeks, days.
There is joy and excitement.
There is anxiety, fear, and some sadness.
There is self-esteem to be bolstered, walls to put up, walls to knock down.
There is worry. And doubt. And questions.

There is a lot of fucking to be done.
There are many spankings to be received.
There is an abundance of love to be shared.

There are kids’ feelings to soothe.
There are apologies to make.
There are many thanks to give.

There are words! Kind words, comforting words.
There are words of ownership, words of love.
There are very many dirty words.

There are expectations.
There is pressure.
There are nerves and doubts.
There are overwhelming feelings and underwhelming reflections.

There are lists. Did I already mention the lists?
Packing lists, revised packing lists, school lists, activity lists, work lists, more packing lists… so many lists!!!!!!

I know I am a baby. I also know this leaving business is HARD.
Leaving is the only choice available to me right now.
So I will suck it up and I will leave.
I will focus on the destination and look forward to the arrival.
I cannot wait to get there!!

this cannot go on forever.

~shygirl

less effortless

I really hate things (relationships, feelings-blech!) being unequal or feeling lopsided. (Yea, I’ve talked about this before, but it’s a thing!) Friendships – heck, even work relationships/acquaintances – have always been so taxing for me because I give my all: I give my time and worry and help and attention but it’s never really reciprocated in full, leaving me weary and wary and plain worn out.

I am fully aware that this is my fault. I have no business getting so attached or letting myself grow dependent on things that are seemingly impossible to maintain. The novelty always wears off for everyone but me. Unequal and lopsided becomes pathetic and one-sided with a quickness.

I am not sure where to begin to change this fundamental nature of mine, so the solution has become avoidance of people. Which is actually pretty tough because people are everywhere, man! I need to find a better way to…well…to not be how I am. Thinking about it overwhelms me…so I retreat and block.

Welcome to Monday! Ain’t nobody got time for that, though. So…

That is the absolute best I can come up with (thanks, Kurt). I’m putting my hands up, throwing in the towel, frantically waving the white flag. For the time being, I just don’t can’t care. If you see me around, let’s talk about the weather or sex or music or jokes… something my brain doesn’t have to fully engage in!! Ok? Thanks!

~shygirl

alphabet, twisted

I walked by the bar, on my way to clean the kitchen, and saw this:

If that doesn’t sum up how I’m feeling, I don’t know what would. You see, I like my alphabet in order. I like to rearrange the letters to make words, but there is still an order to that. When the letters get all piled up, jumbled, and twisted around, I falter. I question. I worry. My life feels like these letters right now… A few key ones are holding steady but many others have gone all cattywampus. I just need to figure out how straighten it all up.

Just. Yes. Completely this.

~shygirl