figure it out

These days I often wonder, ‘What the fuck am I doing?!’


I wonder about everything and nothing…
What the fuck am I doing with my hair?
What the fuck am I doing as a parent?
What the fuck am I doing for dinner?
What the fuck am I doing as a wife?
What the fuck am I doing today?
What the fuck am I doing as His sub?
Just an all-encompassing WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!

Some days I can answer with a ‘who knows, but you’re doing okay’. Other days, I can answer with ‘not sure lady, but you should step it up’. Then there are the days when the only answer I can summon is a very tearful ‘I don’t fucking know’.


Today is that day. I just don’t fucking know. I know what I WANT to be doing, I know how I WANT to be… but I’ve dropped the ball and I have no clue where it rolled off to. I do know I’m sick to death of feelings that are beyond my control.


And I’m so very tired of not being able to keep my head above water.


Tomorrow is a new day, but this day isn’t done. I still have time to figure out what the fuck I’m doing… So I will get to it.

“so if you’re lonely, why’d you say you’re not lonely…?”


thinking [lyrics] Thursday

I’m more than a little obsessed with this song lately, doesn’t matter which version. It evokes many different feelings – I am all over the place with it, really! How so? Well, thanks for asking! I’d love to break it down (my responses are in brackets, in bold):

Take me to loveland
And no one’s gonna find me
Cause I’m leavin’ this old place
Righ o’ here

[I want to hide in Loveland! I want to lose myself in the warmth of love and not worry about a damn thing.]

Nothing is too far
I handle that
Oh trust me
When we’re leavin’ this old place
Right o’ here

[This part reminds me of my Sir. He is always telling me nothing is too big, too far, too difficult. He really does handle it all, but mostly, thankfully, he handles me.]

Like she has flowers in her hair
And you have flowers in your mouth
‘Cause your heart is upside down

[Annnnd I’m back to me… I feel like my heart is upside down most of the time. I am overcome with these mega-feelings, so much so that I can barely see straight. Meanwhile, everyone else is just carrying on … Seemingly unaware or unaffected.]

And you get dizzy because of her charisma
She will love yo like a twister
And you’ll be swept away

[This fairly well sums up my feelings.  More than that, though, it reminds me of this simple truth: I’d like to be the dizzying sort! I want to be the kind of girl, every now and again, that could sweep someone off their feet. The kind of girl that overwhelms in the best possible ways. I want to offer the kind of love that consumes. (simple want, right? Ha!)]

Like we were so in love

[Well, because I am lucky enough to be SO, so, so, so, so, so, so in love.]

Sir says it’s time to eat and I’ve said all I have to say anyway. Check out Milky Chance… All their songs are pretty great.

Happy Thursday!