thinking [advice: flow] thursday

There is this situation that I cannot quite wrap my mind around. I have tried various approaches, but nothing seems to make any difference. Neither honesty nor directness, not jokes or hints, neither questions nor conversation, not silence or blocking. Nothing! I cannot tell which way is up, right or left. It has been driving me crazy and the other day, I felt like I’d exhausted all of my options, so I decided to lay it all at Sir’s feet. He had been kept up to date, generally, but the specifics I held onto. Sometimes, I just really like to handle things myself, in my time, you know? I am almost positive Sir is fine with this, because He knows when it becomes too much, I will always go to Him. I went to Him (in writing) and laid it all out. Everything: Everything I was thinking and feeling. Everything I’d tried and said. Absolutely everything pertaining to the situation – big, small, happy, ugly. I told Him, I just don’t know what to do and was hoping He had a fresh perspective or advice.

Well, of course He did! Everytime I go to Him like this, I always wish I had asked sooner. Not because He necessarily has the answers (though many times He does) or because He magically fixes everything in my world, but because He makes me remember that I am not alone. Ever. For anything. He is so kind and optimistic – when my hope falters He always lifts it back up. However, when need be, He brings me back to reality.

This time, His reply was lengthy and overflowing with comfort, friendship and understanding, but He also insisted on some of those painful, hard truths. The insight He offered wasn’t shocking, but it was full of sad words that I needed (not wanted!) to hear in order to move forward in this topsy-turvy situation. I don’t want to share His words, but the pictures give the gist.

Advice, part one. (Pinterest)

Advice, part two. (Pinterest)

Ahhhhhh…

D/s is so much more than sex and protocol. It runs in our veins and saturates every cell in our bodies. Never have I felt the level of trust and understanding that I feel now, with Sir, my Husband. The hardest things to say and hear are the things that most desperately need to be let out… that is trust. That is love. That is D/s.

Happy Thursday.

~shygirl

… submission is …

My submission is very personal.
It is something I always am, but I do not make it readily available to anyone but Sir. We’ve been doing this 24/7 thing for a while now, and like anything in life, I fear it could become so commonplace as to be taken for granted. That hasn’t happened here, but I always actively try to keep such things at bay.

I firmly believe in questioning what you know, in playing devil’s advocate, in consistently trying to learn and grow. So my whole life, I will take a topic… let’s say love… and I really try to get to the bottom of it: What is love? How does love behave? How should love react? What does love feel like? When is it confusion, not love? Where are the lines that love is bound by? How can I express love? How can I be love?
Sure the answers change, shift, and evolve, but would I even realize if I didn’t regularly ask?! I can’t say for sure, but I know this sort of thinking keeps me on my toes and makes love something I am actively doing. Love, for me, is a verb. I want no less than that.

So it stands to reason that I ask similar questions about my submission and D/s structure. I haven’t been asking these questions for nearly as long (four years, give or take), and it can become some seriously spiraled thinking. Sometimes the answers form so slowly, I nearly die of impatience.  Other times, I think I have it figured out, but become convinced that I’m doing all of this wrong! So I ponder, and worry, and fret until I have a set of parameters that I can operate safely within. That is, until we push limits and adjust lines… or Sir says, oh no, this is how we will do it… and the questioning starts all over again. It can be daunting, but I think this is a good way for me to operate – Sir and I have been together 19 1/2 years, so something is working!

(That was the longest intro, just to get to a silly list!)

Today is one of those days that I am questioning my ability to do/be/understand anything. Since I should absolutely not document all the ways I’m feeling subpar (love, friendship, family, D/s, motherhood), I’m going to lift this day up, and make a simple submission list – what submission is to me. Single, simple words. If any expanding is needed, let me know. 🙂

Submission is…
Love.
Trust.
Respect.
Safety.
Pain.
Hard.
All-encompassing.
Tearful.
Honest.
Exposed.
Playful.
Humble.
Understanding.
Compassion.
Connection.
Anticipation.
Mindful.
Overcoming.
Growth.
Happiness.
Contentment.
Resolution.
Words!
Truth.
Scary.
Selfless.
Sunshine.
Strength.
Work.
Consistent.
Vulnerable.
Fulfillment.
His will.
Everything.
Me.

Hallelujah! It is Friday! Happy weekend, y’all! Enjoy the fireworks and the heat (around here, anyway)!
~shygirl