thinking [wheels down] thursday

Not an airplane! No vacation here. But we did make it through two months of nonstop bullshit… I mean… Holidays! 

Oh I love the holidays! Really! I just could do without the drama… Or the ‘too busy’ excuse crap… Or the awkwardness of families.

November held a child’s birthday, our wedding anniversary (18), thanksgiving, a week off from school, a little work. December was the usual fiasco with Christmas thrown in there somewhere. But now, it’s a New Year, back to the grind, routine… I’m glad, though 5am sucks hard.

All of that has nothing to do with this:

The wheel. When Sir uses the wartenberg wheel on me, I love it. Hate it, love it. (If you like a little pain and a lot of sensation, I highly suggest a wheel.) As I was soaking in my bath, I wondered why my legs were stinging, figuring they were just overly dry again. Nope!! I have a smattering of tiny pin prick scabs, and a few really cool looking scratchy scabs… Looks like a tiny fairy fork has been pulled across my pale skin. The sting makes me happy, but the small, visible wounds ? They make my heart soar! I cherish every bruise, every small draw of blood, every lasting reminder. That’s probably pretty fucked up, analyze if you want… But these are the things that lift me up! Who would like me if I weren’t a little fucked up anyway?! 😉

Happy New Year! Sir says this year is going to bring great things… and He’s the boss, so I won’t argue!

Oh yeah… It’s been a minute… Happy freakin’ Thursday! 

~shygirl

fridays are for singing

This song has been on repeat for a few days now. It’s off an older album, but I love it so (and it is great vocal exercise!). The lyrics make me think about different things at different times… Sir, myself, the world, situations I find myself in. Below you will find the video, and lyrics pulled and discussed. As everyone knows by now, music helps me work through my feelings and put them into words. At the very least, maybe you’ll enjoy the song!

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You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between
What I thought and what I said
You are the night time fear
You are the morning when it’s clear
When it’s over you’re the start
You’re my head, you’re my heart

This is Sir. All-encompassing. It sounds so insignificant and trite to say He is my everything – my favorite person, my best friend – but it is just truth. He is always the start of everything new and good. I can depend on Him for laughs, strength, solace, love, protection, dedication, devotion, wisdom… this list could be neverending, but you get the picture. He is always in my head and my heart. He has helped to shape who I am today, and when I forget exactly who that is, He reminds me with a gentle spirit and, sometimes, a heavy hand. I am forever grateful for these nearly 20 years of being with Him and especially for the last four of Him being my Sir.

 

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can’t choose what stays and what fades away

This reminds me of myself, and not just because I have blue eyes. 😉 Have you ever looked into the mirror and seen no light, no hope, no life in your eyes? It’s not a pleasant feeling, but it can be such an awakening. To have a sudden, real knowledge that you cannot choose. To understand that some things either are or are not, and to know the only thing that can be done is to make peace. Make peace with yourself and your situation. Work on the things that matter and let the rest go. This is hard for me, so very hard, and I struggle with it constantly. Acceptance. Letting go. I think I’ve gotten better and I will continue to actively overcome. (Don’t fret! My eyes have light these days)
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And I’d do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
No light
Tell me what you want me to say
This… oh this… the clinging onto anything… the desperation of wanting to do the magic thing… the pleading, the begging… please, tell me what to say. That doesn’t ever work thought, does it?! No. It doesn’t. We can only be who we are. We can only feel what we feel. We can only say the things that we believe to be true. Bittersweet, sometimes, but honest. If we are not honest with ourselves, this is the cycle we will forever hold on to.
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You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But it’s a conversation,
I just can’t have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You want a revelation
This. Is. Everything. When I am this, when I am wanting some sort of eye-opening revelation, frantically seeking an answer… I get obsessed and I just cannot stop. Hell, I can barely breathe because I need things worked out, NOW! I want to talk and talk until it is settled. How the unsettled twists my soul! And when I am on the other side of this? When I literally just cannot do it, I feel the “it’s a conversation I just can,t have tonight” line in my blood and my bones! I just want to sleep! I want to block it out, I want to hide away, I want to ignore and save it for another day. That response from me is cause for consequences from Sir, so I try to curtail it at all costs.
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Would you leave me,
If I told you what I’ve done?
And would you need me,
If I told you what I’ve become?
There have been times, there are still times, when I just don’t think I deserve much good in my life. The fact is, I have soooooo much good in my life, so feeling like it is undeserved makes me feel like a fraud, a liar, an ugly human and like I need to hide. I worry that if I were ever found out, if my thoughts were ever known, would anything be the same? (This is not something I am feeling right now in great abundance, but old habits are hard to break)
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‘Cause it’s so easy,
To say it to a crowd
But it’s so hard, my love,
To say it to you out loud
This doesn’t need a lot of explanation. This hits hard and so true for me. Sometimes, doing things on a broad scale is a million times easier than that one-on-one stuff! I mean, hello! Welcome to my blog! I’m obviously not aiming for glory here! HA!
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Okay, that’s it! I know none of what I relate to is necessarily what this song is about, but it has a special place in my heart and ears so I thought I’d share. Happiest Friday!!!
~shygirl
 

music things to say

It’s been a minute since I threw any music onto these pages and I thought it was about time I did. OK GO isn’t a new band, by any means, but definitely worth a listen (or fifty). They are super fun and their videos are groundbreaking. 

Here are three songs I’m currently way into, and why. 🙂

Looks like it’s time to decide
Are you here?
Are you now?
Is this it?
All of those selves that you tried
Wasn’t one of ’em good enough?

I love those lines because they are questions I try to answer all of the time. Is the person I am today who I really am? Maybe another day, another version of me, was better. It’s one thing to always try to grow, but I think it is another to constantly wonder if you’re good enough. That uncertainty can steal you away from the here and now. I want to improve, of course I do, but I also want to be content and confident enough to say “this is it, this is me.” 

It all seemed so perfect, it all seemed like everything was right
It all seemed so perfect, it all seemed so fine, until it was not

That doesn’t need much elaboration, does it?! Everything is great, until it’s fucking not. Whether it’s because we weren’t reading the signs, or blindsided, or maybe the stars misaligned and everything went sideways -whatever the scenario – things are generally good, until they aren’t.

Cause nothin’ ever doesn’t change, but nothin’ changes much

This is probably the biggest, most profound,  succinct way to sum up what I am trying to get my mind around this year. Everything changes. Everything, whether you want it to or not. Life is change. Ultimately, though, most things don’t change a whole hell of a lot. Things can change, people can change, but in the end, nothing really changes much. Both those thoughts are scary for me. All of the change, but still not very much. I have changed a hell of a lot this year, but under all the change and growth (?), I am still me, same as I ever was. Argh! Hurts my brain! 

Anyway… Back to the music… Happy Weekend! 

~shygirl