24 makes 10

24.
So that’s ten.
Two hands.
Ten years.
Such a long time.
Had you asked me then where I thought I’d be in ten years, it sure as fuck wouldn’t be here. 
Here is not bad – it’s just not what I thought.
Some parts are better than I could’ve dreamed. Others are definitively worse. So many are just different.
Ten is hard to wrap my head around.
It feels like yesterday, it feels like a long-ago dream nightmare dream.
I’ve learned some things, forgotten others.

Everything has changed.
I’m a new person.
Nothing has changed.
I’m still me, we are still we.
Somehow both stronger and weaker.
This life is one I cannot recognize or reconcile.

I’d like to revisit some things and OH MY GOD I’d love to delete some things.
I’d like to forget and not feel every damn thing, but that’s not how I’m made.
I remember… Every slight, every misstep, every lie, every hurt, every word.
I remember the good things too, which is a curse in itself sometimes.
(Woe is me, right?)

Ten years.
A lifetime. A fraction of a second.
Good riddance. Don’t go.
In the same breath.
Time is a thief and also Santa, taking away everything and giving even more.
What about the next ten years?!
Where will I be?
I won’t even think it because years seem too big today.
But the next ten minutes?!
They’ll be great.

xoxoXXX

~ shygirl

twelve moons

Twelve full moons, come and gone

Time has changed, moved along

I’m still here, somewhat the same

Circling the truth, fighting the pain

Unresolved issues, never quite right

Deadliest silence,  tension so tight

Facts don’t lie, vision will clear

Turning to Sir, relinquishing fear

All that I need, found in His eyes

Illusions let go, it’s time to Rise.
~shygirl

thinking [fast forward] thursday

There are some days you just want to fast forward right on past.
Maybe it’s the day all the bills are due.
Maybe it’s a doctor visit.
Maybe it’s the day your world went sideways.
Maybe it’s simply a day with a lot of things to do.
Whatever the reason, these days are on the calendar.
And they are mocking you, taunting you, daring you to forget.
But you cannot forget!
In fact, as the day creeps ever closer, your world starts to crumble.
The air around you becomes too thick to breathe.
The blood inside you seems to be waning, siphoned and spilled onto the ground.
The weight on your shoulders causing visible knots and tangible pain.
The thoughts!
Oh the thoughts in your head begin to gnaw at everything good until there is only THIS ONE DAY left.
This one day, that needs to hurry up with it.
This day needs to come and go!
This day is ruining all the things.
You try so hard to reset your mind.
You try to focus on everything good.
You try to block it out.
You try to remember all the work it’s taken to get here.
You know this day shouldn’t hold any power.
You know it should be just another day, just another thing that you’ll overcome.
Rationalizing doesn’t work so you succumb to the impending doom.
You let it out and you talk it through, probably daily for a while.
And you move through time.
Because it’s the only option.
And soon enough the day will come, and you’ll survive.
Of course you’re going to survive!
That’s how you roll.
But still, you’d much rather fast forward.

Happy Thursday! Here’s to all the things on the calender we’d rather not see – may they come and go quickly!
~shygirl