Things change. People grow. Relationships evolve.
Sometimes that cycle feels a bit more like devolution to me. Why?
I’m not sure, but I need to work it out.
Sir and I started moving toward a D/s dynamic about four years ago. At first, it was very slow-going. There were tons of tears and words (mine), uncertainty (both), and trepidation (His). I wanted to steamroll into this, He took a much more calculated approach. We grew and learned and our dynamic changed completely.
In the beginning, we tested a lot of waters – some things stuck and others, well, they did not fit us at all! It took a lot of trial and error, and quite a bit of time, but eventually we hit Our stride. We found what 24/7 D/s meant to us, and began to operate very comfortably within that structure.
But heaven forbid I get bored! Oh no, Sir is always switching things up… until He doesn’t.
Here comes the devolving part:
Sometimes when things get added to the mix (tasks, rules, implements, what-have-you), other things sort of fall away. I’m sure this is normal – I know I go through phases with music, shows, crafts – but I wonder, does it have to be that way?! Because I must say, while I usually love all the new things, many times I miss the old stuff. A lot. So much so, that it becomes a big problem in my head.
Total honesty is Sir’s policy, but when I speak of these things I feel… ungrateful, needy, less than submissive, like I’m trying to have control. But when Sir asks what’s bothering me and I say “nothing”, I feel like a liar (Duh, because it’s a lie!). So instead I say “nothing important” or “I’d rather not talk about it”. You know that doesn’t work! You know sooner or later He makes me talk! And then things are allllllll better! Right?!
Welllllllllll…. no. Usually not.
I mean, Sir and I are great and our D/s is super solid – I should be happy as fuck, but I don’t know what to do with the feeling of missing things and/or wanting more.
Part of me says, just suck it on up and be ever-so-thankful, but the other part of is stuck on this and wonders why things cannot be a mix of new and old? Is it really necessary to eliminate old things to make room for the new? Could it be possible to, more often, keep the old but add and improve upon it?
I feel a bit alone in these weird feeling and I am pretty embarrassed to speak of it here. But! Y’all don’t know me and I’ve been staying awake trying to work through it on my own. Obviously that hasn’t worked… and it is Thinking Thursday, so here I am.
A little side note: May is incredibly insane! I’ve barely had time to breathe, much less to read or write on WP. I miss y’all! Hope your month has been less hectic than mine. 🙂