thinking [(d)evolution] thursday

Things change. People grow. Relationships evolve.
Sometimes that cycle feels a bit more like devolution to me. Why?
I’m not sure, but I need to work it out.

Sir and I started moving toward a D/s dynamic about four years ago. At first, it was very slow-going. There were tons of tears and words (mine), uncertainty (both), and trepidation (His). I wanted to steamroll into this, He took a much more calculated approach. We grew and learned and our dynamic changed completely.

In the beginning, we tested a lot of waters – some things stuck and others, well, they did not fit us at all! It took a lot of trial and error, and quite a bit of time, but eventually we hit Our stride. We found what 24/7 D/s meant to us, and began to operate very comfortably within that structure.
But heaven forbid I get bored! Oh no, Sir is always switching things up… until He doesn’t.

Here comes the devolving part:
Sometimes when things get added to the mix (tasks, rules, implements, what-have-you), other things sort of fall away. I’m sure this is normal – I know I go through phases with music, shows, crafts – but I wonder, does it have to be that way?! Because I must say, while I usually love all the new things, many times I miss the old stuff. A lot. So much so, that it becomes a big problem in my head.
Total honesty is Sir’s policy, but when I speak of these things I feel… ungrateful, needy, less than submissive, like I’m trying to have control. But when Sir asks what’s bothering me and I say “nothing”, I feel like a liar (Duh, because it’s a lie!). So instead I say “nothing important” or “I’d rather not talk about it”. You know that doesn’t work! You know sooner or later He makes me talk! And then things are allllllll better! Right?!
Welllllllllll…. no. Usually not.
I mean, Sir and I are great and our D/s is super solid – I should be happy as fuck, but I don’t know what to do with the feeling of missing things and/or wanting more.
Part of me says, just suck it on up and be ever-so-thankful, but the other part of is stuck on this and wonders why things cannot be a mix of new and old? Is it really necessary to eliminate old things to make room for the new? Could it be possible to, more often, keep the old but add and improve upon it?

I feel a bit alone in these weird feeling and I am pretty embarrassed to speak of it here. But! Y’all don’t know me and I’ve been staying awake trying to work through it on my own. Obviously that hasn’t worked… and it is Thinking Thursday, so here I am.

Happy Thursday!
~shygirl

A little side note: May is incredibly insane! I’ve barely had time to breathe, much less to read or write on WP. I miss y’all! Hope your month has been less hectic than mine. 🙂

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old bridge new

image
Standing on the bridge
We forgot where to go
You leapt off the edge
And hit the ocean floor

I sat down for a moment
Numb in disbelief
tears rose like the tide
Flooding into grief

Vision blurred and wavy
I struck the match but quick
Dropped it at my feet
Flames began to lick

Fire consumed the bridge
Feet rooted to the wood
I stood my ground and burned
The way I knew I should

My eyes closed in pain
Ready to succumb
Letting go of ghosts and such
Everything just numb

As soon as I gave up
The bridge crumbled down to sea
I fell into the salty water
With nothing to believe

My face broke the surface
I gulped in smoky air
Eyes frantically searching
Until I saw you there

On the shore you waited
Waving arms so lean
I treaded water calmly
Not sure what this could mean

In the middle of the ocean
I needed to get to land
But the bridge I burnt was gone
Too far a swim, the sand

Smoldering in the water
Were bits of our charred link
I hoisted onto the closest
And prayed it didn’t sink

Stepping ever lightly
I made my way to shore
Worried and elated
Not knowing any more

Finally I reached the ground
And simply said hello
Pain blurred into memory
Time began to slow

Catching up on all the things
Life could never cease
Shedding tears, cracking jokes
The words so much a feast

Never have I had to cross
A bridge I burned to ash
And though I couldn’t see a choice
Hindsight says ‘too rash’

Now I’m battle worn and burnt
Yet standing all the same
Building this on solid ground
Total honesty the frame.

~shygirl

silence!

I am saying things I always say.
I am…
A broken record, begging for the needle to be picked up.
A groove worn so deep in the ground, hot liquid will erupt soon.
A needy bee, buzzing around, searching for a place to land.
A relentless wave, eroding every piece of earth it touches.
A favorite tee-shirt, now threadbare and full of holes.
A busted knee that refuses to heal, because the scabs always get scratched away.
An open faucet, spilling into a sink that cannot drain quite fast enough.
A knock-knock joke about a banana, never getting to the orange.
A hall of mirrors, repetitive and disorienting
An echo, infinitely repeating, until the sound is simply background noise.
I am saying things I always say.
I am…
silent.

~shygirl