more than dark

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Credited to Lucille Clifton from "moonchild"

Take me from this
Away from here

I’m no longer mine
Yours without fear

Please bring me up
Buried so deep

Set me on fire
Never to sleep

Strike it from memory
Pain that transcends

Bruised by the love
Will never bends

Sent over the edge
Plunged into bliss

Mind kicks back in
Hurting like this

Tears start to fall
Panic so near

Stay a bit longer
’til dark disappears

The sadness and stress
Tearing in two

Everything that I am
Solely for you

Bring me back ’round
Push it away

I must rise above
Sins I’ll repay

Please give me more
Need to forget

Help me float away
No more regret

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~shygirl

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stress + D/s

I’ve done so many posts over the past months about all of the stress that’s been happening in and around me. So many things out of my control, out of Sir’s control, and then the heartbreak on top… Well, it’s really had me all twisted.

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I’d love to say that I’ve handled it like a champ!
I’d love to say that I’ve rolled with punches!
I’d love to say that I haven’t let it invade every part of me.
I’d love to say those things, but we all know I can’t.

On one of the posts, someone asked if D/s has helped me handle it all. Without hesitation, I answered yes! Of course! And that’s true, but it got me thinking…

D/s is our everyday, our every moment. D/s is the foundation, the structure on which our relationship stands.
There are no breaks.
There are no time outs.
There is no “I’m not feeling subby today, so I won’t obey.”
Just like our marriage doesn’t stop, neither does the D/s dynamic.
So when there is stress piled on our shoulders, it affects our lives, therefore it affects D/s.
When there is hurt and anger, it affects our lives, therefore it affects D/s.
When I feel like a nothing, it affects our lives, therefore it affects D/s.
There is no division. D/s is now so very intertwined into everything there is just no way to isolate it.

The fact is, sometimes life is hard.
When the hard times barge in, the marriage, therefore the D/s, requires a helluva lot more effort. I’m not talking effort to stay together, or anything as drastic as that. I just mean it takes a much more concerted effort to keep the stress separate from the ‘us’.
Those days when I feel like a total failure at life – is it easy to be humble and to obey everything asked of me?
No! It is not.
It’s also not easy to hold a conversation, or leave the house, or even eat.
Those days when Sir works longer hours and I spend time hopping from one crisis to the next are killer.
I am awful at handling this much. I turn to Sir for His words and guidance and love and support. Sometimes I look to Him just to find my next breath. I’m lost, I tell Him. God, I have told Him that so much lately. Too much.

Has D/s made the stress easier to deal with, though?
Yes. I have never been so open and able to share. Sir listens to every rant, to every meltdown, to every choking sob, to every confused word out of my mouth. He forces helps me to let go but not give up.
But also, sometimes, No. You see pre-D/s I could hide. I would hole up in my head until I had it figured out. I could get angry and lash out. I could yell. I would behave like an ass.
(You guys, I don’t want to behave like an ass anymore, please don’t misunderstand. It’s just that spitting venom used to be an easy release.)
Our D/s requires me to be respectful and humble at all times, even when I’m confused or angry. Especially then, actually. That is a beautiful thing, but fuck if it isn’t hard.

So, does stress adversely affect our D/s? Hell yes. Stress is the ugliest bitch around. Stress affects everything.

Does our 24/7 D/s dynamic help to manage stress? Hell yes. D/s means we are open in all ways. Sharing the burden lightens the load.

Does my submissiveness take a backseat due to stress? No. However, at times, it takes much more effort to stay in the correct mindset. It can also be much more difficult for Sir to take me out of my head.

Does Sir’s dominance take a backseat due to stress? No. But I think I require more of everything, and that can be hard to understand and manage whilst all the stress is around.

I know there will always be stress and there will always be times when the stress seems more plentiful than anything else. That’s life.

But my life is also full of love and laughter. I do not exaggerate when I say that my Husband becoming my Sir was one of the best choices we have ever made. 24/7 D/s, our marriage, our love is so much stronger than any amount of stress.

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I don’t know how other people handle stress. I hope most are better than me.

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Here’s to a low-stress weekend.
Happy Friday. 🙂

~shygirl

thinking [backdoor] thursday

You guys! It is Thursday! This week has been ass-centric…

Sharkweek around here has brought about a lot of shower sexytime. I love shower play. The steam, the water, the slippery soap, the washing of the bodies…mmmm. The candlelight seems to bring out the dirtiest truths.
The other night in our big, new, tiled shower Sir made me turn away from Him.

Turn around, I want to play with your asshole.”

Now, I’m no prude…and I have loved ass play since, well… from the get go. However, sometimes much of the time words make me blush and brings out the painfully shy in me. I’d never been embarrassed of my affinity for anal, until a nameless former friend made a comment about it, and I developed a bit of a hangup. I’m working on it.

So, Sir says this and of course I turn – He is the boss, after all – but I giggle, and I half-heartedly murmur words of protest. It’s one thing to play there, it is a completely different thing to talk about it! Geez! While I am slightly embarrassed, I’m also extremely turned on. His words are hot and sexy and we both know I love this, even if I struggle with it sometimes.
I want it, I don’t, I do…
As His finger begins to circle, to tease and play with my most vulnerable spot, He says…

This asshole is mine and you will give it to me whenever I want.”

I am fairly certain I replied with a husky whisper: “Fuck. Yes, Sir.”
This girl is happiest being owned and I’m lost in those words.
Many more Yes Sirs and repeating His declarations back to Him, and teasing, and playing, all whilst narrating His fingers’ exploration – so deliciously naughty and consuming.
I can come from that stimulation alone, and of course I did.

This night he didn’t fuck my ass but he fucked my pussy hard, and rough, and urgently, continuing to play with and finger my ass. Sending me into the abyss.
It was gritty, primal sex.
He demanded total control over all parts of me.
He fucked me out of my own head.
He used that which is His.
He owns me, every nook and cranny.
*happy sigh*

24/7 D/s is absolutely not all fucking and kink, but it is that, too.
Primal, stripped down versions of ourselves, in all aspects.
It’s not always easy, but it is a damn good life.
Happy Thursday!
~shygirl