cuffs

I got new cuffs! More accurately, Sir gave me new cuffs. Custom. A surprise. I probably cried, but that’s ridiculous.

The thing is…

I love my old cuffs! Also custom. And I have EVERY piece of those… Wrist, ankle, thigh, collar, hogtie, leash. Purchased over a few years, everything was so exciting. New toys, varied activities, bruises galore, so many photos, serious play sessions multiple times a week. Every second of every day felt like a slow build leading to a fiery night.

I’m not saying things are awful now. I’m not saying its boring or mundane. I’m not saying we’ve lost a spark. I’m not saying those things because they are not true. But as happens, life got big – really fucking serious and stressful. We got comfortable in our routine. We settled nicely into our added titles of Dom and sub. We have had intermittent mental health crisis with our middle child. So maybe our lives got a little less exciting.

Time for play is in short supply when you have to make sure your daughter is okay throughout each night, for years. Bruises are harder to come by when you have to be extra quiet. Emotions run high and maybe one of us turned away a little bit to deal and the other one just plain withdrew. Resentment crept in along the way, unused items triggering panic and an odd sort of grief.

So all of that happened. The D/s never fell away – not really – but it shifted and morphed into something sort of easy, but also sort of bullshit.

So many conversations. And texts. And emails. And handwritenn letters. So many words and promises. So much adjusting. And changing. And all the BIG life still going on while we tried to nurture and maintain us.

I’ve been embarrassed to speak of it here. You read that right, I have been ashamed to write my truth on my own damn blog. The one place I can just be me, I felt like I couldn’t. My anxiety fed into my lack of self-esteem and … well… I never said I didn’t have issues!

No more. This is my life. This is my blog. This is my friend by proxy.

Sir and I have been together 22 years. We have been 24/7 D/s for six. Sometimes marriage is a struggle. Sometimes 24/7 is a struggle. Sometimes LIFE is a struggle. That’s what’s up.

As I said, last night Sir presented me with new cuffs (and a harness & matching leather cat ears/mask head harness thing 🐈). I needed them because my old cuffs were rusting on my arms. I am so thankful and feel so loved and cared for. Crazily, I’m also a little sad…

My old set represents the new and exciting beginning: big, complete, all-encompassing.

And this one is a new beginning, a little up-in-the-air, yet a little more comfortable, a little more established…

But maybe also a promise of better things to come!

💙

~shygirl

Advertisements

the one about elephants

I have a good memory. Or a bad memory, depending on what comes to mind, so I suppose I should say long.

I have a long memory.

I remember things forever, I guess. If something or someone has hurt me, I can be transported right back into those feelings at that moment and my brain tells me that it hurts exactly the same. Logically, I know it doesn’t. Logically, I know I have moved on.

I’d like to say I don’t hold grudges, but I’d be a liar. I’d also like to say that I don’t burn bridges, but I light the match with glee. I’d love to say I forgive and forget, but I can’t. I can forgive (with some people FAR too frequently), but I can’t forget.

Elephants don’t forget either.

Man, I don’t want to be an elephant! I’m a kitten, we all know this. I don’t think my cats forget, either, though. Sometimes they look at me like “mom, remember last week when you made me wait five minutes for breakfast? Fuck you.” So much side eye from these cats! I digress…

Elephants. Memories. Me. What triggers my ridiculous memory? Anything, really. A song. A new hurt. Food. Photos. A place. My emotions can get thrown right back into whatever I remember, as if no time has passed. It’s weird, difficult to explain, and it sucks so hard.

Today a smell got me. A shower gel. One that is my favorite and that I used regularly six, five, four years ago. I lathered up my sweaty body and was transported into some bullshit feelings. Not cool. I don’t like anything messing with my showers so I said to myself nope, not today. I tried to fill my mind with other things – it didn’t work. I allowed myself to just feel the past and I didn’t dwell. It hurt but then it washed away. Progress, sort of.

Today’s satsuma scented memory wasn’t a bad one – especially at the time it was made – it just brought up the feelings of stupidity, misinformed decisions, and lies that came to light later. And for those kinds of good- turned-bad memories? The best remedy (for this elephant mind) is replacing the unpleasant with something more palatable. Go back to the place, do a new thing, all with Sir, and make a better memory! It offers a fresher focus so when the elephant strikes, though past still hurts, the new experience has a bigger place in my head. Four decades to figure this out, but better now than never.

As for my little shower situation? Well, I’m sure if I beg Sir properly, he’ll pound some new, sweetly scented memories into me.

Happy Monday and hugs to anyone that can’t stop being an elephant. 🖤

~shygirl

thinking [human] thursday

Sir sends me tasks to complete daily. Not chores, usually, but things intended to remind me of my submission – like postures to practice, things to write, photos to take, things to insert – and sometimes i don’t receive them with an overly submissive heart. You read that right! On occasion, I open the app and read the tasks and feel some sort of way about them – angry, irritated, forgotten, unheard, resentful – anything but the submissive thankfulness I should be feeling.

God, it’s shameful to put that into words, to make it so concrete here in black and white for the world to see. Though you may not judge me, i sure as hell do and I think that is an awful way to react to directives from my Dom. Today, i am not going to dwell on my Olympic level judging abilities. No, today I want to try a concept I find hard to grasp – Grace.

Back to it: Tasks. Submissive heart. Feelings. Yeah… A few days ago, Sir tasked me to begin working on a new blog post. He has never regulated this space in any way, but He knows i have not written in a while because -reasons- and He wanted to help me get back into it, it’s good for me,  or something like that.

I had ideas – a sexy balcony escapade retelling, shame/love, meeting where we are – but ultimately i railed against the task with an ugly heart and this morning i told Him why.
“I have nothing to say”
“I feel like a fraud”
“It makes me sad”
“Everything is different”
“I am embarrassed”

Ouch, right?? But how on earth can i write something when everything is different, when not everything has been smooth sailing – without looking like a liar? Because I’ll tell you, sometimes i FEEL like a liar, and i hate liars so… do that math.

As usual, Sir hit me with some dreaded logic (ugh) and some kind, wise words that i really did not want to hear. Just take my very valid excuses and let me be! By now you know that He wasn’t having it. And since the only way through something, is actually THROUGH it, maybe i won’t feel so alone if i drag y’all with me.

The past few years have been full of struggle for our dynamic.

*breathing*

Our 20 year marriage hasn’t been in jeopardy. There has been no infidelity, no major fights, no major anything. We are still 24/7 D/s… that hasn’t really wavered, either. So what the hell has been the struggle?? The way our D/s looks, the way it works, the way it feels… has morphed in a lot of ways and it has been a fucking struggle. He is my Dom 100%, I am His sub 100% but sometimes – okay, a lot of times- we just haven’t been on the same 24/7 D/s page. If you ask me, at times we weren’t even in the same book. And it has been heartbreaking for me. So we have struggled being on the same page because we both had ideas how to pick up from circumstances that sort of derailed us back then. I’ve been trying to just GET BACK to there and he’s been trying to MOVE ON from here. And neither one of us could ever work fast enough for the other before sometime turned their page again. Over and over. And endless cycle of ramping up but never getting into gear.

I put a self-imposed gag order for my blog so i didn’t have an outlet. I have no friends to speak of, no one to bounce things off so I have been bottling and exploding (toxic, i know). Please don’t think I’ve had years of misery, because that certainly is not the case. Sir and I always have fun, D/s is our normal – there have just been intermittent struggles. Maybe I’ll elaborate on those in the future or maybe I’ll let them lie, but for now i just wanted to start the process of true growth.

The takeaway today is this:

Though i do not always do things with a submissive heart, I AM submissive to my core. My shortcomings do not make me any less. I will never be perfect, but i will always try to be a better human.

Though Sir and I may have struggled pretty hard, we are still very much in love and practice 24/7 D/s. We will never be anyone’s version of perfect, but we will always strive to be better versions of ourselves for each other.

The way things appear to the outside world are not our concern. We do what works, we work through what doesn’t. We love, We play, we are still figuring things out as we go.

And this HAS to be okay to talk about, because maybe you are human, too.

~shygirl