days like this…

Dammit all to hell, but this is how I’m feeling today. I feel stuck, and a little lost, and a lot less than hopeful.

I spend so much energy trying to be positive, trying to put good Karma out there.

I wish. I hope. I pray. I bargain. I plead. I stew. I plot. I think. I dream. I want. I need. I beg. I cry. I pout. I scream. I get angry. I get determined. I get sad.

Everything I do, everything I try, seems to fall on the universe’s deaf ears.

In these 37 years of mine, I really haven’t asked the world for a lot. I always try to be thankful for everything I have. I am not a selfish girl, I try to be kind, I try to do good. I may fuss a bit, but I really try to make the best of the cards I’m dealt.

I HATE asking for anything and I know the world owes me nothing, but I need a favor now. I really need for the stars to align, for ‘the plan’ to be revealed. Because, quite frankly, I cannot take a lifetime of this – Physically, mentally, emotionally – cannot take it.

I am trying to be patient and hopeful, but today, I feel like it is a waste of time. Today, I feel like I have no power.
Today, I feel like I’m swinging at air.
Today, I feel like I’m standing all alone. Today, I feel like it is just a pipe dream. Today, I feel like the ones in charge just won’t or can’t.
Today, I feel fresh out of fight.
Today, I am tired and sad.

I don’t much like the me today, so I will try to suck it up. I will try to find the strength to overcome the can’t and the won’t. I will try to find the wherewithal to stand against this status quo and do something. I will try to climb this mountain all by myself, so that I may convince the rest it is worth it.

Because, dammit, this is worth it… worth every ounce of strength that I have (and some I’ve yet to discover).

Edited to add: I’m pulling myself up and stumbled upon this. Yes.

~shygirl

fresh start Friday: My life, with a little balance

I speak often of my shortcomings and struggles because it helps me work through them.  I try to speak just as often about my triumphs and happiness, but it is much easier to write about the things that are wrong.  I’ve always been like that – anytime I’ve kept a journal, it reads like a giant gripe-fest.  When I’m happy and settled, I just don’t have much to say.  That isn’t fair to me, or to my Sir, or to anyone that happens to read my rambling tales.

I’m feeling good this morning.  My Sir read yesterday’s post about communication and had very succinct and helpful feedback.  As always.  He makes me feel cherished and safe, even while I think I am falling apart on the inside.  We are truly a wolf pack, together till the end… and we’ve got this. No matter what jumps in our way, we’ve got this!!

On to the balance:

I’m not great at making New Year’s resolutions – one year, my resolution was to order something online every week because getting packages makes me happy!  I’m not even joking – I wrote that down and was very proud I came up with it!  Ha!  This year, though, I didn’t really make a “resolution”, but more of a pact with my Sir.  We are going to have good Karma and I am going to put positive thoughts into the air.  There are some big things we are trying to do this year and normally I would be very anxious, worried and probably a bit negative.  That approach has never worked so my Sir has forbidden it altogether!  It can be difficult at times to think positively, but as soon as I catch myself beginning to worry about logistics and all that could go wrong, I quickly think “GOOD _________ KARMA”.  Elle wrote about her good parking Karma and that really hit home for me (and my Husband).  I don’t much care about the parking, but I say that phrase multiple times per day with a few other words to fill in the blank.  I do not care how crazy you think it sounds, IT WORKS!  Put good things into the universe and you will receive good things.  Negative begets negative.  So simple, and so easy to forget.  Try it out, let me know if it works for you.  2014 is the year of positivity!  Why?  Because my Sir said so.  It’s a beautiful new world!!

~shygirl