thinking [lonely] thursday

Sir is in the shower.
I am waiting, naked, kneeling.
Eyes cast downward.
My knees are aching, but I am in the zone and barely register that pain.

I hear Him step out.

“How is your pussy?”

“Lonely”

“What did you say?”

“Lonely, Sir”

“Lonely?! Why don’t you try a different word? Hungry, maybe. Or aching.”

I must say, I’m a little confused. I thought lonely was a good answer, one He might enjoy, even. Before I can spin off with doubt, Sir continues:

“Your pussy isn’t lonely. You can never be lonely when you are kneeling for me. I am with you when you kneel, every single part of you. You are not lonely. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir”

“Now, how is your pussy?”

“Ready, Sir.”

Chin tilted up, eyes meet, lips connect.
I am smitten.
I lose myself in Him, in being His.

Ready is an understatement.

~shygirl

Thinking [boss] Thursday

This post is not about a job- I haven’t found anyone willing to work around my crazy-restricted availability.  This post is not about my Husband/Sir, either, though I wish it were.  Instead, this post is about the world seeing me as the boss.  Here’s what got me thinking about this:

I was out shopping with my mom, saw a bracelet that said “BOSS” on it – you know the ones that are quite popular now with those big, block letters.  I touched it (I touch everything!) and made a ‘hmmm’ sort of noise, which drew my mom’s attention.  She said “I need that”, I said “yeah, you do…hahaha” and she said “well…so do YOU!”  She was absolutely serious. Boo, hiss, talk about a mood-killer!  I almost cried.  Seriously, I almost cried in Macy’s over a stupid bracelet.

The rest of the day was spent trying to push that way down deep and failing.  I am very aware that much most all of the world sees me as the boss. I guess, in many situations, it is necessary (kids, working, etc), but lately I’m really sickened by the thought of those close to me seeing me as the boss at home. Now, I know, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks and I’m usually the first to say that, but just indulge me for a moment…

For many years, I was kind of the boss. I had the final say in everything in our marriage… not because I demanded it, really, but because my Husband wanted me to be happy. Oh, what a rough life!  I can definitely be bossy and opinionated, I like things certain ways, I appear to know what I want. Sigh. So, I do understand why people think what they do, but I hate it, and I do mean hate.  I hate the jokes about my Husband having to check with me. I hate the implied idea that I “wear the pants” or “rule the roost”. Mostly, I hate that I am the one that has perpetuated this falsity. I hate that, for years…okay for all my life until a little over a year ago…I behaved as the boss. It breaks my heart. It bothers me beyond belief that I actually pretended to be that girl. I never wanted to be that girl…I just didn’t know how to be me. And it completely sucks that I am finally learning how to be me and cannot share it with anyone. Who, in my real life, would understand, or even BELIEVE me?!  I then wonder if I had actually been me in my life, would I have real friends, better friends, some friends? Who knows.  I am sickened and sad, and I cannot do a thing to change anyone’s mind.

Sorry this is not a very inspiring or well-written Thursday post.  I’m just venting a little – things with my Sir are fantastic, but I need to get this out there:

I am absolutely NOT the boss and I have worked hard for that coveted status.

Thinking [day by day] Thursday

I’m really feeling this today.  Those first nine months (September to May) of this D/s journey, I was so very focused on the slow movement.  I just wanted to go, and go fast!  My journal entries from those months read like the ramblings of a sad, frightened girl.  Sure there were moments scattered about where I felt His dominance, where I could really feel He was happy embarking on this path, but for the most part I was frustrated and scared that I would ruin our marriage with this.  If you had asked me then, or read my journal, you would think little to nothing was changing or evolving during that time.  You would be dead wrong, just as I was.  Absolutely everything was changing.  Sir and I were learning and becoming Dom & sub – too bad I didn’t really appreciate it during that time.  .

Earlier this week, I wrote a post where I realized Sir doesn’t really have those Dom moments anymore, because He has fully become the Dom.  I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what a great, freeing, awe-inspiring realization that was.  It also got me thinking about all the ways our lives have changed because of D/s (woohoo! List time!!)…

* The children have a new respect for my Husband.  They have always loved their Dad – he is fun and silly and great – but when it came right down to it, I was the decision maker and they knew it.  If they wanted something, I was always the one to ask.  Even if they’d ask their Dad first, He would just refer them to me.  If you’ve ever been this person, you know it can get really old!  I make many decisions all day long, as Sir works and I’m home… that only makes sense.  But now, when the minions ask for something or permission to go somewhere, when possible, I tell them to ask their Dad. AND HE MAKES THE DECISION!  I’m not ALWAYS the bad guy anymore.  And guess what else? They don’t even get mad at Sir when He denies them something.  (Come on!!)  Sometimes, Sir will consult with me if need be, but many times He just decides!  BAM!!  That was definitely a bit of a challenge for the kids at first (especially the 15 year old), but it is awesome.

*  Sir and I have always spent a lot of time together – we don’t really have a lot of friends anyway, but we truly enjoy each other’s company.  Now, that seems to be amplified!  Sir started a [nerdy, geeky, super awesome] project and insisted I help Him with it, even when I didn’t want to.  I’m very grateful – we have spent many hours together working on it, listening to music and talking, with many more hours to come.  Also, Sir hustles to get His work done every day to try to make it home for afternoon coffee.  It makes my heart happy knowing that He enjoys that time as much as I do.

*  Conversation.  I mean REAL conversation is now a daily occurrence in our house.  Before D/s, there would be days where our conversations consisted of “what do you want for dinner?” and “are you ready for bed?”!  Not because we were angry or upset, just because those were sometimes our only connecting points.  That sucked!!  Now, we always have things to talk about and there is nothing, not even food or sleep, that is more important than connecting with each other.

* I’ve always hated lying because it makes me feel like a horrible human being. I’ve always been honest with my Sir, but D/s has taken me to a whole new depth of honesty.  Sometimes I hate it!  Sometimes, I abhor that I have to be honest and bring my dreaded feelings and insecurities to the forefront. It is so difficult for me, but it is absolutely worth every tear shed.  I’ve been able to tell my Sir things I thought I’d keep hidden forever and that is very liberating.

*  Of course, I haven’t forgotten about the SEX!!  Our sex life has always been good, really!  But now? Now it is an out-of-this-world, earth-moving, mind-shattering, cannot-wait-for-the-next-round, gravity-defying, orgasm-fest type of experience. Every time. ‘Nough said on that.

* The house is clean.  The laundry is done.  The floors are mopped.  We never lived in squalor, but for a long time I just was not motivated. I now look at my ‘chores’ as tangible expression of my love and submission.

* Sir and I have always been a pretty good team…now we are a f#cking GREAT team!! I think this has to do with our roles being clearly defined.  He is the Boss, He is the Alpha.  I’ve had to let a lot of my control issues fall by the wayside and it is a beautiful thing.  Okay, okay, some of those control issues didn’t exactly fall, Sir had to rip them away and throw them over the cliff with me kicking and screaming, but still… beautiful. I remain in charge of the bills and the money – why?!  Because I am better at it and I’m a math nerd – but I don’t need to control how things around the house get done!  Who the hell was that girl and why was she so desperate to hide her true self?  That’s a post for another day.

* D/s has made me realize what is truly important in life and let go of the things that aren’t.  That includes ‘friends’ that were toxic and a job that was bad for my soul.  I just don’t have time for a bunch of bullshit in my life – I’d much rather be making my Sir’s life easier in any possible way.

This list only scratches the surface – there have been so many changes, subtle and overt, that have happened during this year that have made our lives richer.  I’m happy to report to the girl from my journal… you are NOT fucked up, this will NOT ruin your marriage, and your Husband is NOT freaked out, He LOVES every bit of it.  I’d also like to tell her to have a lot more self-confidence and to really think about all those spankings she wants… sometimes those suckers HURT!  Ehhh, may as well let her know she’ll like those painful ones, too!

The Heavy – Who needs the sunshine